I'm really bad at this stuff. I'm great at lightish flirting, funny conversations, making people happy, etc. I can't make serious moves though. At least not early on. I was raised being told, "no serious dating until you're ready to look for a wife". I don't know if I'm ready to look for a wife, but I'm 20 years old and badly behind. I've had two real crushes. One lasted 9 years, the next lasted 6. Only ever tried moving forward with the second one, and it was at the end of those 6 years. Didn't go well. Lesson learned, don't waste time pining after girls who might not be into you.

Last week, I met a cute girl at a college campus social event. I guess I'd be good with dating her? But in my mind, making a move means I'm making a commitment, and so I hesitate and end up doing nothing. We still have fun, but that's obviously what a friend does, not a lover. I played ping pong and foosball with this girl at the social for two and a half hours or so, long after everyone had left. At some point, she was like "we can keep playing if you want, it's completely up to you". It's a religious campus and we're both religious people so getting laid isn't on the table, but still, obvious opportunity to go for a walk and kiss her, right? The problem is, I have no intent. I can't ever generate it. I don't know what I want until I've liked a girl for several months. But by then, I've missed the opportunity. What the heck am I supposed to do about this? My whole mindset? I'm not looking for opportunities every time I turn my head, is everyone else? How do people feel comfortable escalating with people they've just met? I'll see a girl I think is cute, but I'll leave it with that cause trying to move forward is a difficult process and I feel like if I start, I have to see it through, and I'm not sure I want that right off the bat. Is that not something that's on anyone else's mind?

The story behind the girl in the title can be found here. She called me last night to tell me about the date she went on. She had dinner at the guy's house, cuddled watching a movie, then they went out in the rain and she had her first kiss. She straight up told me about how weak it made her legs, she had trouble standing and walking. I can't get it out of my head, but I know I should. What right do I have to care? I don't know how to be my real self unless I'm happy and joyful and goofy, and I don't know how I can feel like that when I'm dealing with this crap. I don't know how to find peace elsewhere, this hurts pretty bad right now, and the stuff that usually brings me joy isn't helping.

I want to tell her how I feel about her, and that I can't keep being her friend. I'd let our relationship die right then and there. I can't keep pretending I don't have feelings for her, and the updates she gives me are destroying me. I haven't been able to think straight ever since she told me. It's made me unhappy and I can't be myself, and doing the stuff that I do when I'm really feeling life just sounds exhausting. I can't be goofy, fun, enjoy other people, focus, or anything. The only thing I feel capable of is asking you guys for help, and maybe saying goodbye to my friendship with her. I know she's on cloud nine though, and I'd hate to ruin that, but man, I don't know what I can do.