How to Escalate

hey guys this is not my original work, and I take no credit whatsoever for the content therein. Hope Y'all Enjoy!!

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All About Escalation
DcD: veteran
Join Date: Dec, 2014 | Posts: 4480
Posted April 7, 2016 at 7:04 pm #12393
Here are several of my previous posts on the topic of escalation.
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(The question in this thread was how to escalate “in different situations.”)
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An important thing to remember is that women like sex *at least* as much as we do. (Sometimes they seem to like it even more.)
Lots of guys (and even some relationship “gurus”) seem to believe that women don’t want sex and have to be “tricked” into having sex in some way. This is just wrong. Women don’t go to bars, etc., to have great conversations. They go to find great guys with whom they can have great sex and great relationships (usually in that order, i.e., sex usually precedes the relationship).
There is a proper way to escalate. There isn’t a different way to escalate for each situation.
Another thing to remember is that escalation generally takes place in the context or a conversation in which you’re learning more about her as well as teasing her and flirting with her. Most of the time, it doesn’t take place in a vacuum. You’re multi-tasking.
There are two factors that determine how far and how fast you can escalate, but the “procedure” is the same.
The two factors are 1) where you are and 2) the girl.
The first one is common sense. You can’t escalate as far in a family restaurant or a church, for example, as you can in a darkened area of a bar or in a movie theater. You can’t escalate as far in the front row of a theater as you can in the back row. You can’t escalate as far in the back row, if there are other people sitting around you, as you can if you’re the only ones sitting on the back row.
When you go as far as you can go in that particular venue, the solution is simple. “Let’s go someplace where it’s quieter.” (Quieter is code for more private.) If you’re in a bar, you’re free to leave at any time. If you’re watching a movie, it’s a good idea to stay until the end – unless she is dragging you toward the door.
The girl gives you feedback, every step of the way, about whether you’re going too fast, too slow or just right, when she wants you to slow down and back up a step, and sometimes even when she wants you to speed things up.
You set the pace. Then you calibrate, based on her nonverbal feedback.
No matter what your impression of the girl is, you pay attention to her feedback. Even if you think she’s a “shy girl,” or pristine or angelic, you treat her the same way – until her feedback says stop or slow down.
If you believe she’s shy, pristine or angelic, your belief is based on her public persona, i.e., what the world sees. The persona that most women show the world is that they’re “nice girls,” i.e., above sex and even making out. They don’t want be considered “loose” or sluts.
The side that they show to a guy they’re really interested in will probably be entirely different – but you have to *lead* her in that direction to find out. She isn’t going to volunteer that information. If you don’t escalate, you won’t find out – and you’ll probably lose her interest pretty fast.
Different women have different limits for PDA – and a woman’s limits may vary, based on a) where you are (the amount of privacy or lack of it), b) who else is there (like family, friends, her minister, her co-workers, and her family’s friends, for example), and c) how highly she values you.
(NOTE: How highly she values you is definitely a factor. I’ve heard a British dating guru tell a story about Jason Capital. He and Jason and some of their friends were at a table in a crowded restaurant. This girl, who wasn’t even sitting at their table, dragged Jason into the ladies’ room. Several minutes later, they emerged, and the crowd gave Jason a round of applause. Don’t expect this treatment every day. This is just to make a point that how much value you have established is definitely a factor.)
I’ve seen many threads in which guys said that they “took it slow” with a beautiful woman, because they didn’t want to “offend” her. Bullshit. Treat her just like you’d treat any other woman. Otherwise, you’ll bore her to death. She doesn’t want special treatment from a lowly admirer. She wants leadership from a man she can look up to.
There are roughly 20 steps between meeting and the first kiss. The number isn’t precise, and neither are the steps and the order in which you take them. The first half of them, give or take, are completely nonsexual touching. The more steps, and the smaller each step is, the less likely it is that you’ll encounter resistance on her part.
Each step is slightly more aggressive than the one before – in terms of where and how you touch her. The important thing is that they are “smooth” and seem “natural.” Those are the key words. If things begin to seem awkward, you’ll start getting stop signs.
Pay attention to her nonverbal signals. That includes her breathing, mannerisms, facial expressions, tone of voice, and everything she does.
If you put your hand on her leg, and she moves it away, that’s a stop sign. There are many things that can be stop signs. If you encounter a stop sign, that doesn’t mean for you to stop for all eternity. It means for you to slow things down and move back a step or two. Generally, it means to slow things down, back up a step, and continue in 15-30 minutes.
If she has to say “no,” “stop,” or “slow down,” that almost always that you’ve missed several nonverbal signals.
The fact that you know how to read her nonverbal signs and act accordingly makes her feel safe, lets her be comfortable, and lets her trust you. You’re moving at a more or less constant speed in the same direction. This is one place where she wants you to be pretty much predictable.
If you start skipping steps (moving too fast) or “pounce,” she becomes uncomfortable and loses trust in you.
Escalation is often a matter of two steps forward and one step back. The only time you take a step back is when she gives you a stop sign (or when the situation changes, like her friends appear, for example).
Or, she may take your hand from her waist or knee, for example, and place it on her thigh. That’s a green light. That means she wants you to speed things up a little.
Some women aren’t comfortable kissing in public. Most will draw the line at unbuttoning things or sliding your hands under her clothes – if there’s enough light to see what you’re doing, and if there are people around to see it.
When you reach the point where that would be the next step, and she’s still into you, that’s the time to suggest that you go someplace that’s quieter, i.e., more private.
There are at least as many steps between kissing and having sex as there are between meeting and kissing. The same principle applies – many slow steps and calibrating based on her nonverbal feedback.
That’s the executive summary. Here are a few of my previous posts that cover some of the same ground but go into a little more detail.
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(This was to a guy who was still trying to build rapport with a woman, weeks after he had met her, when he hadn’t begun to escalate physically. You might say the theme is “a little less talk and a lot more action.”
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You can actually build too much rapport, if that makes sense.
Yeah, it takes some rapport and comfort to be able to escalate physically and advance the relationship.
But if you keep focusing on building rapport and comfort (long after there’s already enough of both), what you’re really doing is building and creating a friendship, rather than advancing a romantic/sexual relationship by escalating physically.
Advancing the relation and escalating physically (which is one of the ways you advance the relationship – in fact, for the guy, it’s the main way) is a process. That’s the man’s job, and if does it well enough, the woman will help him.
The woman’s job is to try to advance the relationship in every other way, especially emotionally – to try to get him emotionally invested (or more invested) in her, to get more of his time, to get him to open up to her more, etc. The better you do your job, the harder she’ll work to do hers.
You don’t escalate for 15 minutes or half an hour and say to yourself, “Okay, I’ve escalated. I can check that off the list.”
If you’re having sex, you don’t look at your watch and think, “We’ve been doing this for five minutes. Let’s do something else now.” You keep going.
I would say that you keep going until you reach the end zone – but when it comes to relationships, there is no end zone. The main reason a woman leaves a man is because he became complacent, he decided that they were at the pinnacle, and he stopped trying to push forward.
Similarly, you don’t make your conversations sexual for awhile, then say, “Okay, I’m done with that.” You keep stepping it up – and then you step it up some more. It’s not something you do for awhile and stop.
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In all three cases, you’re pushing toward an end result (although, as I said before, you never reach the end result unless you just stop pushing things). These are not things you do for awhile, mark them off your list, and move on to something else. You keep amping it up and moving to the next level.
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Maybe you make it a game.
Maybe you look at a couple and say, “I think they’ve already had sex tonight.” Or maybe you look at an old couple and say, “I’ll bet they’re swingers. Can’t you see them at a 1970’s swinger’s party? It’s always the one who look the most innocent who are the kinkiest.” (It’s even more effective if you’re already teased her about how innocent she looks.)
Or maybe you let her catch you checking out her tits or her ass (which lets her know that you see her in a sexual way). Maybe she says, “You aren’t even listening to me. You haven’t heard a word I’ve said.” This is where you repeat the last thing she said – verbatim.
Maybe it reaches a point where she says, “All you ever think about is sex.” You don’t deny it – and you don’t tell her that you’ve thought about having sex with her. You say, “I’ll bet you think about sex *at least* as much as I do.” And maybe you add, “I’ll bet you’ve thought about having sex with me *too*.”
The “too” is how you tell her that you’ve thought about having sex with her.
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Maybe you showed her clearly in the beginning that you were interested in having a romantic/sexual relationship with her. But now you’re still focusing on building rapport.
But now she’s confused. “I thought he wanted a sexual relationship, but now it’s like he just wants to be friends.” Or “Is this all there is? Why is this moving so slowly? Doesn’t he know what to do next?”
DO NOT assume that women want something other than what you want – or that you have to proceed slowly and carefully to avoid offending them.
And DO NOT decide that, just because this woman is “different,” and she’s “special,” you are going to take things slowly out of “respect.” That’s just another way of putting her on a pedestal and failing to show *leadership* – exactly when she wants leadership.
Women want to be “swept off their feet.” It’s a major fantasy for them. And if you’ve been doing things right, they want to be swept off their feet *by you*.
Translation: While you don’t skip steps (unless she starts unbuttoning things or rubbing your crotch), she wants you to take her through the steps, from point A to point Z, as quickly as possible – until and unless she gives you a nonverbal signal that says “slow down.”
She wants to be taken through these steps, *smoothly* and *naturally* (those are key words), by someone who knows what he’s doing and isn’t afraid to keep advancing – so fast that it makes her head swim. That’s her fantasy. And because it’s her fantasy, if you do it right, she’ll help you.
Speaking of fantasies, a woman will NOT tell you what her fantasies are – or even admit that she has them. Most likely hers are every bit as raunchy or *nasty* as yours.
She won’t tell you what they are two reasons. 1) She wants a man, not a trainee. 2) She doesn’t want to be judged or scorned because of her fantasies, just because some guy can’t handle them.
Since she won’t tell you want her fantasies are, just lead her into *your* fantasies. When she sees yours, she just might open up and tell you one of hers. But not until you’ve taken her into that uncharted territory.
Naturally there has to be *some* attraction and some rapport before you start aiming for these levels, or they won’t work. And if you didn’t begin moving clearly and decisively in that direction in the beginning, or if it hasn’t all been smooth and natural, or if she isn’t sure that you know what you’re doing, she isn’t going to let you move that fast.
But continuing to focus on building rapport after you’ve already made her want more is just taking a detour to the friend zone.
Regarding opportunities to escalate, you don’t wait for them, and you don’t find them. You create them.
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(A response to a guy who wanted to when is the right time to “make his move.”)
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You sound like you’re waiting for the right moment to pounce – like a tiger pounces on a small animal. lol
This isn’t how it works.
If this is your approach, you’ll get about the same reaction that the tiger gets from its prey.
There are seminars and courses that are devoted to this (as well as later steps). Getting to discussion of the first kiss (in a two-day seminar or a course) might take half a day or longer. In real time, it often won’t (or at least shouldn’t) take that long.
I’m guessing that by “make a move” you mean kiss?
If so, there may be 20 or so steps (little moves) between meeting and first kiss. The more steps, and the smaller each step, the less likely it is that you’ll encounter resistance. The steps should be in a logical order, each one slightly more aggressive (in terms of where and how you touch, and how long you touch, not your overall attitude or demeanor).
While women are more emotional than logical (especially where love and romance are concerned), this is one time when they want and expect logic in the order in which you take these little steps. It’s the logical order (and the fact that she knows pretty much what’s coming next) that makes her feel safe and secure – and that you know what you’re doing.
You might begin by moving into her space for a second or a few seconds. Tapping her on the shoulder or touching her shoulder for a second or so. Then her arm. All in a nonaggressive, nonthreatening way.
These little moves should seem smooth and natural, not jerky and awkward, and they should take place in the context of a conversation. Generally, you want to take the first of these steps within a few minutes (if not seconds) of meeting her. She’s trying to decide whether to put you in the “potential lover” or “potential friend” pigeonhole. Give a girl a little help.
The key words here are “smooth” and natural.”
After each step, she will give you feedback. The feedback is nonverbal. Pay attention to her eyes, eye contact, expression, breathing, whether she moves closer to you or away from you, whether she turns toward you or away from you, whether she remains relaxed or becomes tense, whether she reciprocates in any way, etc.
If her response is neutral, she is neither encouraging nor discouraging you. She isn’t uncomfortable, but she isn’t exactly enthusiastic about what you’re doing. Keep doing what you’re doing, maybe even slow down – just a little. Consider making the conversation more sexual by using double entendre, innuendo, etc.
If she frowns or pulls or turns away from you, she’s saying stop. Not for all eternity, but for 15-30 minutes or so. This is not a big deal unless you make it a big deal. The only way you show that you got the message is by slowing down or backing up a step or so.
Sometimes a woman will do this just to see if you can read her signs and signals – and whether you’ll heed them. When you do, this make her feel safer and secure.
If her reaction is positive, she likes what you’re doing. She’s giving you permission to move to the next step – until her nonverbal communication says stop.
If she says “No” or “Stop,” most likely you’ve missed several nonverbal signals before that.
You don’t wait for a moment when it’s appropriate to pounce and kiss her. You create a mood and a moment, one step at a time, when it would be awkward *not* to kiss her. And then you kiss her.
Btw, when a woman moves her face (and possibly even her lips) close to yours and gazes into your eyes, that’s international “shut and kiss me” sign. When she goes out of her way to give you an opportunity, take it. If you don’t she’ll be disappointed (and later on, when you try to kiss her, you might be too).
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I wrote this to a friend in Canada who is in the PUA/seduction/relationships (for lack of a better way to describe it) business, in response to an article he had written about the pros and cons of direct vs. indirect approaches (as he defines them, which is not the same way I define them). He used it as his daily email to his subscribers a few days later.
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There’s another approach. Call it indirect-direct if you like. I think of it as indirect. It has been my approach, and it has worked for me for more years than I care to remember.
Btw, his idea of indirect is hiding your interest from a woman. To me, indirect means using lots of nonverbal signs and signals and making her read between the lines when you talk, i.e., speaking her language. This leaves some questions unanswered – and all women love a good mystery. Sometimes they’ll think about it for hours at a time, trying to solve the puzzle.
First of all, there are two components to any interaction – verbal and nonverbal. Well, any interaction except text, chat and email, which are just words on a computer or cell phone screen. Even a voice on the phone is better, because you can at least hear her tone of voice, and she can hear yours.
What she does is far more important than what she says. That’s why texting can be so confusing. There is no nonverbal component of the interaction.
Women send mixed signals. More often than not, they’re verbal signals (or at least with words). Her nonverbal signals and messages will validate or contradict what she says. It’s almost like reading her mind.
Don’t forget that you can send mixed signals too. If you’ve ever stayed awake at night trying to figure them out, you know how effective they can be.
My first word is usually “Hey,” and it’s followed by something like “how’s it going?” The tone of voice and body language show confidence and fun, and that’s enough to get her attention.
It doesn’t matter what you say. What you don’t say is far more important than what you say. As long as you avoid saying the wrong things, what you say doesn’t really matter much.
The conversation is teasing and flirtatious. But never do I state my intentions. However, I “show” her my intentions. Beginning (very early) with innocuous touches, like to the shoulder and arm, during the course of conversation, and then escalating, my actions *show* her my intentions – sorta.
There are maybe 20 steps between touching her shoulder and the first kiss, during the course of conversation. The number of steps isn’t fixed. The important thing is that they are very small steps, not quantum leaps. Small steps are much less likely to encounter resistance than “pouncing” for the kiss.
The steps should be smooth, natural, and in a logical order. These show her the direction things are going in. At no time does she feel blindsided because you skipped steps or took too big a step (which is likely to bring knee-jerk resistance). If you don’t believe that, grab a woman you’ve just met and kiss her.
She pretty much knows what’s coming next.
The important thing is to pay attention to her nonverbal reactions or signals. Is she into what you’re doing? Is she somewhat passive? Or is she giving you a stop sign?
If she’s in to it, keep going. If she’s somewhat passive, slow down just a little. If she frowns, pulls back, moves away from you, etc., that’s a stop sign. It means to slow things down a little and back up a step or so. Then, in 15-30 minutes, try again.
Never react to a stop sign by getting pissed, looking frustrated or confused or showing any reaction whatsoever – other than slowing down for a while. If she has to say “no” or “stop,” you’ve probably missed several nonverbal signals.
You don’t move in a straight line. Maybe you take a half step into her space and stroke the back of her neck for a few seconds during conversation. Then you back off. Give, then take away. Smoothly and naturally. Each touch is a separate event. This isn’t a continuous makeout session.
It’s also a good idea to pay attention to the surroundings. Most women have a lower tolerance for PDA in a family restaurant, for example, or when they’re surrounded by friends, than they have in a booth in a darkened bar.
It doesn’t take long for her to figure out that you’re interested in her and that your interest is romantic/sexual, not friendship. If there’s no indication very early of what your interest is, she will assume it’s friendship – and you’re friend-zoned in no time.
All of this is subtext to the conversation that you’re having with her. The conversation should be mostly about her. Ask questions. If she’s interested, she’ll ask you questions, and you should answer them.
Asking questions shows interest – and the more you let her talk, and the more you make the conversation about her, the better conversationalist she’s likely to think you are.
So within a couple of hours (give or take), you’re kissing. You haven’t told her how beautiful she is or complimented her in any way. You haven’t even told her that you like her. You haven’t even said that you’re interested in her. But trust me, she knows…
What she doesn’t know is why you’re interested in her – or exactly what your interest is. She doesn’t know whether you like her looks (which is always a pretty safe bet) or something else. She doesn’t know whether you just want sex, you want her to be your girlfriend, or you want to marry her.
And at this point, that’s just fine. She doesn’t even expect or want to know. You are just beginning to evaluate each other.
First, she doesn’t know (yet) what her interest (if any) is in you. If you don’t screw up early, she will take her time deciding.
Second, if you show too much interest, too early, a) she will assume (probably correctly) that you’re already sold on her, while she is just beginning to evaluate you, and b) that because you’re too into her too soon, the only thing you care about is her looks, and c) that you are needy and desperate – and you have no other options. It also says you’re a pushover, when she wants a challenge.
And d) every woman’s fantasy, the one that makes romance novels by far the best-selling book genre, is capturing a promiscuous bad boy and turning him into her own personal lover and sex machine. It’s not a bad thing if she thinks that maybe you’re only after sex – unless you provide too much evidence that that’s the case. (Hell, for all you know, she wants a no strings attached relationship at this point in her life.)
Women don’t mind that you’re interested in them because of their looks. They just expect that you’re going to need to know a lot of other things about them and spend some time with them, before you can decide whether you’re compatible and what outcome you want. That’s what she’s going to do (unless you screw up before that happens).
Most women are still evaluating the guy after they’ve begun having sex. That’s one of the stages of the evaluation process – not an indication that you’ve passed all of her tests, or that having sex represents her “final decision.”
Once she’s interested, the next step is to let her know (not by telling her) that you’re into her – but not quite as much as she’s into you. That makes you the prize and the chasee and her the chaser. That’s the dynamic that you want to create and maintain.
If you’re chasing her, she isn’t going to chase you. But if she’s into you, and you aren’t chasing her, she will chase you, at least in subtle (but recognizable) ways.
Even if you can’t stop thinking about her, don’t even tell that you like her – until she tells you that *at least* 2-3 times. Same with love.
Most of the time, guys screw things up by fixating on a woman before they even know her – and then deciding that it’s very important that she understands exactly he feels about her. And that’s Game Over.
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>> it´s still a big step for me to get sexual that early, i never pushed because i thought it would not be appropriate to get sexual and get rejected.
If you don’t get sexual with her (beginning moments after you first meet), you’re almost sure to get rejected.
Many guys seem to think that women don’t like sex. It’s something that they have to be somehow tricked or bribed into. This is just wrong! Women like sex at least as much as we guys do – and for several years, I’ve suspected that the like it even more than we do.
If you don’t become sexual with her (with many small steps, not pouncing on her), you’re almost certain to be rejected – no matter how much she likes you otherwise.
Believe it or not, when women go someplace to meet men, finding a man with whom she can have wild, passionate, animalistic, even kinky sex, is at the front of their minds.
They won’t tell you, and 99% of the time, they will not *lead* you in that direction. Leading is your job.
In fact, whether you escalate physically with her (in a smooth, natural way) is the main way women decide whether you’re friend material or romantic/sexual relationship material.
That’s one reason why so many interactions never get off the ground – or die after the first or second date. Most (not all) women are geared to having sex on the third date (if not sooner). If there isn’t much progress toward that end, most likely there will never be a third date.
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Based on what you’ve said so far, it sounds like you’re doing things pretty much “by the book” but possibly not sending the right vibe.
It’s one thing to follow step-by-step instructions to set up a tv remote. It’s quite another where people are involved, and the vibe is at least as important as the steps.
Your approach (and I’m talking about your approach to this whole relationships thing, not the way you first approach a woman) may not seem smooth, natural and confident, which is important. In other words, it could be that your mindset isn’t quite fixed.
Also I saw a couple of things in your last post that I’m going to comment on.
>> I feel like I AM the type of man that women want. In all three areas you mentioned (professionally, educationally, and financially)
It’s important to have your life and your shit together. If these areas are out of control, it likely will keep you from getting a girl – but the mere fact that they are in order won’t get you a girl.
In other words, these are things that many women consider – but they don’t give them the shaky knees and butterflies in the stomach and make them laugh nervously around you – things that bring about (and also result from) an emotional response.
You have to be able to make a woman *feel* something – something positive and emotional.
With a majority of women, at least in the early stages, it’s likely that the “something positive and emotional” will have more to do with sex than with love.
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(This was to a guy who was still trying to build rapport with a woman, weeks after he had met her, when he hadn’t begun to escalate physically. You might say the theme is “a little less talk and a lot more action.”
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You can actually build too much rapport, if that makes sense.
Yeah, it takes some rapport and comfort to be able to escalate physically and advance the relationship.
But if you keep focusing on building rapport and comfort (long after there’s already enough of both), what you’re really doing is building and creating a friendship rather than advancing a romantic/sexual relationship by escalating physically.
Advancing the relation and escalating physically (which is one of the ways you advance the relationship – in fact, for the guy, it’s the main way) is a process.
You don’t escalate for 15 minutes or half an hour and say to yourself, “Okay, I’ve escalated. I can check that off the list.”
If you’re having sex, you don’t look at your watch and think, “We’ve been doing this for five minutes. Let’s do something else now.” You keep going.
Similarly, you don’t make your conversations sexual for a while, then say, “Okay, I’m done with that.” You keep stepping it up – and then you step it up some more. It’s not something you do for awhile and stop.
In all three cases, you’re pushing toward an end result. These are not things you do for a while, mark them off your list, and move on to something else. You keep ramping it up and moving to the next level.
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Maybe you make it a game.
Maybe you look at a couple and say, “I think they’ve already had sex tonight.” Or maybe you look at an old couple and say, “I’ll bet they’re swingers. Can’t you see them at a 1970’s swinger’s party? It’s always the one who look the most innocent who are the kinkiest.” (It’s even more effective if you’re already teased her about how innocent she looks.)
Or maybe you let her catch you checking out her tits or her ass (which lets her know that you see her in a sexual way). Maybe she says, “You aren’t even listening to me. You haven’t heard a word I’ve said.” (This is where you repeat the last thing she said – verbatim.)
Maybe it reaches a point where she says, “All you ever think about is sex.” You don’t deny it – and you don’t tell her that you’ve thought about having sex with her. You say, “I’ll bet you think about sex *at least* as much as I do.” And maybe you add, “I’ll bet you’ve thought about having sex with me *too*.”
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Maybe you showed her clearly in the beginning that you were interested in having a romantic/sexual relationship with her. But now you’re still focusing on building rapport.
But now she’s confused. “I thought he wanted a sexual relationship, but now it’s like he just wants to be friends.” Or “Is this all there is? Why is this moving so slowly? Doesn’t he know what to do next?”
DO NOT assume that women want something other than what you want – or that you have to proceed slowly and with a great deal of caution to avoid offending them.
Women want to be “swept off their feet.” It’s a major fantasy for them. And if you’ve been doing things right, they want to be swept off their feet *by you*.
Translation: While you don’t skip steps (unless she starts unbuttoning things or rubbing your crotch), she wants you to take her through the steps, from point A to point Z, as quickly as possible – until and unless she gives you a nonverbal signal that says “slow down.”
She wants to be taken through these steps, *smoothly* and *naturally* (those are key words), by someone who knows what he’s doing and isn’t afraid to keep advancing – so fast that it makes her head swim. That’s her fantasy. And because it’s her fantasy, if you do it right, she’ll help you.
Naturally there has to be *some* attraction and some rapport before you start aiming for these levels, or they won’t work. And if you didn’t begin moving clearly and decisively in that direction in the beginning, or if it hasn’t all been smooth and natural, or if she isn’t sure that you know what you’re doing, she isn’t going to let you move that fast.
But continuing to focus on building rapport after you’ve already made her want more is just taking a detour to the friend zone.
Regarding opportunities to escalate, you don’t wait for them, and you don’t find them. You create them.
I’ll paste in a couple of my previous posts to explain. Btw, these posts were originally written for specific people in specific situations, and their situations might be different from yours. There may be references to situations that don’t sound like yours – but the information is still the same.
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(A response to a guy who wanted to when is the right time to “make his move.”)
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You make it sound like you’re waiting for the right moment to pounce – like a tiger pounces on a small animal. Lol
This isn’t how it works.
If this is your approach, you’ll get about the same reaction that the tiger gets from its prey.
There are seminars and courses that are devoted to this (as well as later steps). Getting to discussion of the first kiss (in a two-day seminar or a course) might take half a day or longer. In real time it often won’t (or at least shouldn’t) take that long.
I’m guessing that by “make a move” you mean kiss?
If so there may be 20 or so steps (little moves) between meeting and first kiss. The more steps, and the smaller each step, the less likely it is that you’ll encounter resistance. The steps should be in a logical order, each one slightly aggressive (in terms of how and where you touch, not your overall attitude or demeanor).
While women are more emotional than logical (especially where love and romance are concerned), this is one time when they want and expect logic in the order in which you take these little steps.
You might begin by moving into her space for a second or a few seconds. Tapping her on the shoulder or touching her shoulder for a second or so. Then her arm. All in a nonaggressive, nonthreatening way.
These little moves should seem smooth and natural, not jerky and awkward, and they should take place in the context of a conversation. Generally you want to take the first of these steps within a few minutes of meeting her. She’s trying to decide whether to put you in the “potential lover” or “potential friend” pigeonhole. Give her a little help.
The key words here are “smooth” and natural.”
After each step, she will give you feedback. The feedback is nonverbal. Pay attention to her eyes, eye contact, expression, breathing, whether she moves closer to you or away from you, whether she turns toward you or away from you, whether she remains relaxed or becomes tense, whether she reciprocates in any way, etc.
If her response is neutral, she is neither encouraging nor discouraging you. She isn’t uncomfortable, but she isn’t exactly enthusiastic about what you’re doing. Keep doing what you’re doing, maybe even slow down – just a little.
If she frowns or pulls or turns away from you, she’s saying stop. Not for all eternity, but for 15-30 minutes or so. This is not a big deal unless you make it a big deal. The only way you show that you got the signal is by slowing down or backing up a step or so.
If her reaction is positive, she likes what you’re doing. She’s giving you permission to move to the next step – until her nonverbal communication says stop.
If she says “No” or “Stop,” most likely you’ve missed several nonverbal signals before that.
You don’t wait for a moment when it’s appropriate to pounce and kiss her. You create a mood and a moment, one step at a time, when it would be awkward *not* to kiss her. And then you kiss her.
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