CW: Mentions of Sexual Violence, Bigotry, and Intimate Partner Violence

The aphorism "Men only bring up [rape/SA/IPV/etc.] to derail Women speaking about their lived experiences" is becoming increasingly Orthodox amongst lay Feminists.

There is truth there in the sense that some Men particularly of a reactionary disposition do that, however the greater truth is that it only really seems that way.

Men are talking about these things independently. This subreddit is indicative of that. I talk to my beloved brothers about Men's issues all the time as these things are of great importance to me.

I wanted to also explain why some Men feel compelled to bring these topics up in Women's comment section outside simple derailment.

1) Much of the rhetoric of Lay Feminists and Common Progressives tend to be of the accusatory phenotype -"Men do X" -"Men wonder why we feel X about them"

This triggers defensiveness in most people, because no matter how you spin it, attacking a shared identity without qualifying your remarks reads as an attack on the whole. These Men can't see past the accusatory language, because Humans broadly take accusations personally even if it isn't explicitly directed to them as an individual. When using accusatory language, you invite defensiveness and you have no right to tell them how they should react to that.

2) Lay Feminists and Common Progressives are woefully ignorant of the life experiences of most Men or are ambivalent to them

This leads to people not particularly understanding that we in fact go through these things. There are unique ways that Men, Women, and Non-Binary Folks experience these evils, but in general they do all experience these sins.

The Lay Feminist and the Common Progressive may meet us 5% of the way by acknowledging that "yes these things happen, but". They however tend to lean on Orthodox teachings to avoid Anathema. -"Yes, but Men do it more" -"Yes, but it's usually Men doing it to each other" -"Yes, but Women only really do that in defense"

3) They often engage in "Soft" victim blaming

No matter how you spin it, Women do not and cannot have a monopoly on these topics. There's always a call to action of the lagendary "Good Men" to take responsibility for the wellbeing of Women and the sins of other Men.

This is problematic for a multitude of reasons, for my purposes, I want to highlight how the rhetoric reads to me as a young man whose primary abusers (physically, emotionally, sexually, and socially) were Men.

I've been sexually assaulted by more than one man. The rhetoric has made me feel both invisible, but also at fault for me own assault. I'm supposed to be guarding against the Evil Men, not allow myself to be victimized by them. If I am supposed help Women feel safe then I'm not allowed to be weakened. I find myself a bit resentful. I don't get to (nor do I desire to) hate and fear Men, because that would mean hating and fearing myself and my brothers. Men who have been traumatized by Women aren't permitted the social capital to fear and hate Women (nor should they) yet young Women have been granted safe spaces to do just that

Men are talking about Men's Issues. The Lay Feminists and Common Progressives just aren't paying attention.