Hi there.

I was married for about 6-7 years; separated late 2022, divorce finalized mid-2023. The reason for the divorce was a drinking habit I developed during COVID which bled into post-COVID coupled with overall emotional exhaustion because of it and other things, and my own difficulty in holding a job where we lived (high-end, very rural mountain town). I've been able to stay on the straight and narrow more or less since the finalization of the divorce. There were no abuse issues or promiscuity; definitely emotional and physical neglect on my part because I was in my own head feeling generally emasculated - but that is a me-problem I have largely overcome and still work on navigating through.

We have a child who is turning 7 soon, and their relationship with me has not been soured by the situation besides the usual, child-like questioning of why "daddy doesn't date mommy", and that relationship hasn't been made worse by either party, of which I consider myself lucky given the stories I've heard. However there's always this underlying feeling that there is something off, or a problem is on the horizon. As if perhaps I'm being expected to fumble somewhere along the way and it will come back to bite me.

Now, I feel pretty comfortable in taking responsibility of what led to my divorce. A lot of introspection led me to realize almost exactly where I was in the wrong and even maybe made some mistakes along the way. I think what is on my mind the most is something a friend told me some time ago, of which I feel like I may already know the answer, and that was the question "when does the punishment end?" Recently our communication has been fine. I relocated back across the country due to the difficulty of trying to make financials work there (no up-front hard feelings about this decision from her end), and so I am slowly getting back on my feet. It could be faster, but the emotional toll of the distance from my child, plus the remaining feelings I still have for my ex have been making it very difficult.

In retrospect I think I was too young (mentally), as I've learned a lot since the divorce about who I am, why I do some things I do (bad habits and all), and what to do about them or how to cope with certain emotions in an alternative way. What added to this is the series of events over those 6-7 years which resulted in a lot of tension build up below the surface (including family deaths, such as that of her mother two years into the marriage, one year after our son, moving across the country, etc.).

I guess I'm trying to understand if I'm still on the right track here. Our arguments tend to be very rare and typically about money (child support is a private agreement between us both, the court is not involved at this time), however I am consistently demeaned, blamed, and on more than one occasion told things I either don't recall or are outright fabrications (or, things I didn't understand at the time in terms of how she felt about my actions). Her general distrust of me fluctuates, but the fluctuation is anywhere from unnoticeable to "this person is trying to pull a fast one on me" (the latter being something I don't understand as I'm typically very transparent).

I'm by no means perfect and I know there is always room to improve, but circling back to the earlier quote, "when does the punishment end?", I really don't know. I'm made to feel as though I have done much, much worse than I either recall or am even told by those close to us during our marriage. Our relationship was not perfect, but also it wasn't absolutely abysmal or a nightmare. I know I could have been a better husband. Is there a reason, though, that I still feel like I have to do some kind of overall penance when I sometimes think that the divorce (I didn't fight back much at all on it) she got easy, and now I'm not even physically there to be a problem or inconvenience for her? Or am I just getting stuck in some kind of thought loop in my own head?

If any of this seems incoherent or just a ramble with no destination feel free to ask just about anything. I'm happy to clarify more. I think I'm just trying to understand how to move along as I crawl into my mid-thirties and feel some sense of optimism again.