*recommended literature at the end

I continued to "fight fir my marriage" past the bogus CPO, all the way until I was served papers I intellectually knew were coming, but emotionally refused to believe could happen.

My already broken heart broke completely when it happened. I repetedly cycled through the grief phases, and despite my newly acquired coping skills, this round was to be the most intense. I continued to be hung uo on bargaining and anger. I knew she had laid the foundation for at least a year by this point, and while I eas trying to make things work, she was working to make things trying. I struggled so heavily with the hurt, snd finding meaning for the last decade of my life was impossible.

You have no idea how stacked the odds were against me. There is nothing like refusing to give up on forever while the other party couldnt possibly consider next week, unless it was in the pursuit of winning something. There was no available free legal aid due to conflict. No available budget legal aid due to conflict. My only available options were the most expensive ones. Ones I couldn't afford becsuse she had ruined me fnancially. Emotionally. Psychologically. And all that contributed physically as well. Ibgave the best years of my vitality toward building a future for our family. The searing pain of betrayal had left such a hole in my spirit that I no longer wanted to try, or even wake up in the morning. I prayed I just wouldnt day. But by this time, I had rebuilt a little physically, and a lot spiritually. I found community and support with the church. For as bleak as things were, I had one tiny speck of light, and I chose to believe in it. My teo daughters havr to know their daddy never gave up on them, and that the love we shared saved me and gave me strength. That and God.

I hadbabsolutely no prior legal procedure knowledge at all. She had a lifetime of family court, comes fron a generation of lifetime family court, and she had the guidance of an advocate lawyer, pro Bono, assisting her for over a year. It seemed impossible, but I knew I hsd to try.

I somehow managed to do a notice by myself. She filed for default. Then I struggled through an answer claim, amd my first motion, to s et sside default. It was all crude, but I did the best i could.

From there, I had to overcome the NCO. The hours I put into learning the state laws, rules, procedures, codes, statutes, it was completely obsessive and completely necessary for the future of my life, for my kids life. She petitioned for literslly 100% of everything. I couldn't allow that after having sacrificed everything of myself to provide for this SAHM who justified contributing nothing and blaming me for it.

A huge part of me still loved her fiercely, but I knew that my future, my rights, and everything I built were on the line. Standing up for myself and against the woman I gave my all to in front of everyone and under God nearly destroyed me. But I kept on going. After a month of hard-core, dedicated, single minded focus on learning how to fsmily court, I arrived at a point where I could not just feel confident thst I could do this, but I realized the finished products of my filings were not even remotely in the ssme league as 99% of the other paperwork that gets handed to the clerk. I know, Ive spent enough time in front of that glass ton last multiple lifetimes. I want to see am actual attorney's comparable documents and see if theyre as well polished as mine. I know plenty are. But I'd bet plenty aren't. For the people i spoke to who have been around this scene for years, they all couldnt believe I did this myself, let alone in rhe short time since I began.

Im riding a high of having gone fron zero to hero in my own story. There is so much more that id yet to be written, but if you got this fsr I wanted to share something that has recently happened snd its freed me in ways I absolutely needed.

Overcoming the feelings if loss, betrayal, grief, and existential anguish has been something I have worked on to get to the point in the last week or so that I can accept this process as good and necessary. But the attachment, its been a huge drain on my spirit. But the only resson for that is a trauma bond formed over years of insidious emotional and psychological abuse that I never quite realized was happening until it wsd already too late. It destroyed me as a man, and made me the easiest thing to manipulate. This has resulted in my inability to trust anyone ir anything to any degree. I wear a believable mask of "doin good, I just need to focus on this right now," while being completely void on the inside. I can fake it incredibly well. But I know the truth. I am not even remotely genuine in ant human connection in my life, and I know it. I cant be. I will need so fucking much expert therapy to recover from this. I will never marry. And I will be especially critical of women's hidden motives. I will be the one fighting ghosts that dont exist.

Don't wind up with the damage I wound up with.

Ive recently come to understand that I fell in love with an illusion created just for me, but the true person beneath is nothing like the woman I loved. Ive repetedly told myself this exact thing to try and shake loose of the love and care for an idealized image, and i made okay progress.

But today is when everything changed. In preparation for my next hearing, I looked into sone dark psychology matters. Not for my own personal use of course. I have a soul. But I had to know what I was up against and what to expect.

I settled on a book, audiobook really, snd it has put the entire con that I fell prey to into complete understandable perspective. I csn see from the moment we met, how these characteristics, ttendencies, and duplicitous tactics were present in everything. Decent folk will never hsve any ides shit like this is happening. Decent folk wouldnt do this stuff. And i would fucking never. Its despicable.

This book isnt a how to. Its a how to identify and protect from. Its freed me from my trauma bond, amd for the first time in longer than I can legitimately remember, it feels like a giant weight has been lifted from my chest, my shoulders, and my spirit. I am free to happily continue my divorce, put this woman behind me in complete insignificance, advocate for myself snd my children with grace and dignity, and revuild better than ever. I WILL make the dreams that I thought died long ago come true. And she will not be able to stop them at all. She doesnt matter. Im not expecting perfection and rainbows for my divorce. But its not gonna be as bad as I felt. Its not because I have, in every way, leveled up. And people like her, they will be stuck on the same level for the entirety of their truly miserable lives and never see what the next one holds. So dont beat yourself up if you get dragged to that level and youre beaten at it. I no longer will. They've been doing the same one over snd over their whole lives so it would make sense that theyre good at ONE LEVEL. And its the same level for spouses across the globe.

So without further adieu, please do yourself a favor and check out the book:

"Wolf in Sheep's Clothing" by George K. Simon Jr.

It has given me the single most insight into why I got as fucked up amd over as I did. Ive felt worthless and depressed for over three years now. And I used to have the most confidence and joy for life.

Today, I felt like myself again. And I forgot just how much I really loved that guy. Its been about 8 years since anyone has seen him.

If this helps anyone who is in an abusive relationship, but its the most poisonous kind that leaves you panicking at the idea of loss even though you know its bad for you, that book csn save your life. I'm gonna delete this shit in the morning. Still in the middle of it, so every letter of this is a risk for me. But if it helps even one man change his outlook and feel empowered, then its a risk worth taking.

Always put your kids first and make sure everyone damn sure knows it. That is the single strongest factor in how your divorce will be decided by a judge.

God Bless you all.