My boyfriend (M 40) and I (F 30) have been together for 6 years. He proposed to me for the second time, and though I love and admire him, I have continued to be filled with doubt about our relationship. We share traditional values and dreams of a family, but unresolved issues from our past, including a rough patch that led to a brief breakup and a step back from our first engagement, make me question our future.

My main concern is how we handle conflict. I feel that he dismisses me when I share my feelings and as if the tables turn and it becomes my fault. When he brings up something that I've said or done that's hurt him, I feel that he assumes I had the worst intentions and did something to purposefully hurt him. We both share strong traditional values and desire the traditional family dynamic. I'm not a "feminist" and don't believe my actions reflect that, but he says that he gets concerned that I'm being influenced by the world.

While we do desire a more traditional life and family, some situations in our past has me feeling like it was more about control, and I worry that would get worse with marriage. Our past has involved fights where he's called me names or shut down - these things we've made significant change on. Despite our progress, a recent major fight ended with him saying my feelings were my issue to resolve alone, leaving things unresolved. He struggles to recall these conflicts or the key issues I’ve raised repeatedly, which hurts me quite a bit, especially since feeling like my feelings are not being taken seriously is part of the problem.

He felt my hesitation with this proposal. So we’re back to dating after he asked for the ring back again, stating he can’t date forever. I don't want to date forever either. I am also filled with worry though that while we do get along most all of the time, when we fight, it really breaks me. It echoes my parents fights growing up, and scares me about committing into a relationship where if this isn't changing, it could be our future forever. I don't want to keep asking him to change things. I don't want to wear him down or make him feel like the progress isn't enough, but I haven't been able to shake feeling this doubt or worry.

We want to start a family, we want to live a happy life together - and in so many ways we do - but when we fight, I don't feel like I'm talking to the man that loves me and cares for me. Has anyone else been in a similar dynamic? What kinds of things did you change within yourself to make conflict healthier? How do you know when change is lasting?

Edit: After the first engagement, we went to couple's counseling for about a year and I think that truly helped a lot of the growth in our relationship, but things still feel uncertain for me. He's a good man with a kind heart and he loves me, I truly don't have any reason for this doubt, but I still feel it.