First up, I apologise for the part-rant of this post. It's sort of unfocused, long, confusing and I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here. I feel I need to share somewhere though, and it's not really possible outside of a couple of people in my own life.
My wife and I met in 2012. We studied together at university. We instantly clicked then and, while I very much appreciate my mental health took a tool on us, we figured it out. I went from suicidal in 2012 to today being reasonably mentally healthy, in the best shape of my life, two kids, a nice house, a dull but well-paid and relatively secure (bullshit) job. I discovered my childhood love of music again and now moonlight as a singer-songwriter too (when time allows).
A lot of this has happened for, and by the support of, my wife. I genuinely owe this woman my life. I have no question that without her grace, support, and love, I'd be dead. She helped to turn a sheltered, scared, narrow-minded kid into, well, a man. I know that sounds a bit dumb and arrogant - and I'm certainly still struggling with so many things in terms of depression, autism, ADHD - but for the first time, at 36, I now have some self-confidence.
My wife has flourished, too. She studied well into her 20s, and I worked to support us. When she graduated in 2016, she went out into the world and got some incredible roles, which took us abroad a few times, and gave us an amazing life of travel, events, adventures. We married in 2018. She's grown tremendously as a person and, while she's definitely lost touch with some of her hobbies, she's blossomed in the world of work. I'm fairly certain within the next couple of years she'll lead her department at a major corporation. She's insanely talented, strong and intelligent. It's largely what attracted me to her.
I, though, am a bit more introverted. Always have been. So, when we had our first kid in 2020, my focus became more on the home. I still work and have a decent job, bit chasing a career isn't for me. If I could spend all the time in the world with my girls (we have a second born in 2022) I would.
But it's this shift which seems to have caused irreconcilable damage somehow to our marriage, most notably since we bought the house in 2023.
Kind words turned bitter. Hugs became rigid and forced. Sex has pretty much stopped (we didn't have sex from end of 2022 until summer this year, due to a bunch of medical issues surrounding the birth of our second kid, and then just general neglect of our sex life). But this summer, things really started to turn. We began hanging out a lot more, really being interested in one another. She started trying to ask about my music, my goals, my life, for what felt the first time in years. We went from no sex for 2.5yrs to sex once-to-twice a week.
Until two weeks ago.
See, we had an argument, one of those stupid ones which started because of something her sister said at a party. Her sister is also going through a divorce, and said something along the lines of asking oneself if they're truly happy. My wife talked about it, about the atmosphere at the party, and it all just felt normal, like we were bitching a bit but not going to be like them. Until my wife offered up, out of the blue, that it's a question she needs to ask herself: "am I happy?"
It caught me off guard. I thought she was being a bit hypothetical and philosophical with it - you know, like "oh, I sometimes wonder what this all means" sort of thing, and I played along with that conversation. But no, she meant "I'm not happy."
We talked until 3am. She revealed how she is not attracted to me, only sometimes. She mentioned how we haven't been happy for years(?!) She mentioned how my autism diagnosis (as an adult in 2022) changed her perception of me and us somehow. She mentioned how having two kids was harder than she anticipated, and how the kids are happier around just one of us at a time. She mentioned how she notes I've done all I can to improve myself, but that it feels fake and suspicious.
I had so many emotions. Anger. Disappointment. Resentment. Like I'd been manipulated. But I mostly felt sad. I cried. I had a legit panic attack. It felt like my entire life had been a lie, that I'd been led down a road to have two kids and buy a house to now be tossed out because somehow she's realised our relationship isn't "real."
I'm so shocked by this all. I've been the very best husband I can be, absolutely splitting the household responsibilities and costs down the middle, taking years out of work to go on parental leave (we're in Sweden where it's generous) so she can thrive. I've made every effort to know her family, her friends, and to encourage my wife to expand her social circles. I've learned the language, become a citizen, ingrained myself into the community, turned down opportunities for the sanctity of our home and family.
Where I've absolutely fucked it up is in not keeping the spark alive. Equally, we have two young kids and no real support network here (her folks are around, but old) so that's been my error. I could have done more to date her. Also, because I really struggle with mental illness at times, I can be a little aloof and rude. I apologise instantly if I am, and it's never anything terrible. I once told my wife to "shut the fuck up" when we were arguing infront of the kids, and felt instant regret. It killed me a bit to let my frustration out like that. It's what spurred me back into therapy and anger management, which I'm still in now (and on Prozac and anti-anxiety meds). It was a big fucking error on my part, and I immediately wanted to fix it, and am feeling personally better than ever.
Sure, there are things I'd like to change in our relationship. A little more sex wouldn't be awful, and fewer moments of bickering. That's it. Otherwise, we have a really decent suburban life. Our kids are amazing and my proudest achievement. My wife is a goddess - a beautiful, wise, determined, sexy, persistent, grounded Nordic woman. A true blessing.
And now it feels like she's done, and I have to be OK with that. It fucking sucks.
I am willing to give every ounce of energy I have to fix this. I'm still in therapy, I've got a coach at work, I'm willing to go to couples counselling. Whatever she needs, I will do it, probably even against my best judgement at times. I've never felt so attracted, loyal and committed to a person. Sure, there could be some attachment dependency accusations, but I don't think that's accurate. I LOVE this person.
And now, it all seems futile. I'm trying to keep going, to be the best I can be for me, for her, for the kids. And sure, it's only been a few weeks since our talk, but she's clearly been faking things for a while.
So I don't know where to go now nor what to do. It feels like I've been lied to, stupid, naive, blind. I try to talk to my wife, but she shuts down the conversations, only stating she thinks divorce is something "we should explore as we're not happy." We go around in circles in these conversations.
I'm so scared. I'm in a country which isn't my home, with no friends nearby, no family nearby, and a bunch of shared colleagues at work (we, unfortunately, began working in similar professional circles at the same few companies these past couple of years, so we share many stakeholders). If we divorce, it's going to wreck me. I don't have the savings she does, as I went on leave for the kids for so long. I can't afford to buy anywhere on my own. I can't ever find something where I can balance my studio needs and space with my home.
I'll miss my kids. I'll miss the company of my wife. I'll miss the in-jokes, the hugs, the life.
I want to work it out. I hope we can. But my wife is checked out and in another headspace.
I don't know what to do. I'm sad. I am so frightened.
Thank you for reading.
