Shit, I workout 4x a week, I'll be getting that degree and working as an software dev in a few months, I'm told I'm good looking, especially as I started growing a beard/having a solid haircut.

But fuck, I feel that void inside of me. I feel it every day, all day long. It only increases or decreases in volume depending on my mindset for the day. I feel as if no matter what I do, I'll end up attracting some low HB4s. I'd rather remain in solitude than even consider them. All of them make the deep unhappiness I feel even worse. I'd rather drool over someone I can't have, than spend time with them. The void doesn't exist elsewhere in my life. If it weren't for this issue with women, I'd be alright.

I wish I could truly focus on myself, but I can't, since I long for some sort of affection, from someone I want. But I can't have affection with the mindset "I don't want to be chosen, I want to choose". I wish I never had that oneitis years ago. Maybe I wouldn't be so fucked up now.

I'm ashamed of my situation, ashamed that in todays culture, I'm 23 and a kissless virgin. I feel like an outcast whenever there's talk about women. I'll have my house for myself for 2 weeks, I guess the hard truth that I'll be alone all two is sinking in.

And I'm so cold on the outside. I've heard it from my parents, friends. I have to be senseless to even live with myself. Funny, outgoing, but cold. Like I've built a wall around myself. I'm not close with anyone. I've never talked about my feelings with anyone. Not in depth really.

I believe it is to late for me to enter the scene now. All I think that's left is to turn to myself, meditate and have as little as possible of these weak moments, like this one. Am I wrong?