TL;DR: Got comfortable spinning ~5 or so plates, decided to emotionally invest in one (without being exclusive), caught some feelings, learned a lot, apparently got "dumped" (image that...) Overall glad I went through with the experience because I didn't loose sight of my main goal or compromise any of my boundaries, and grew throughout the experience.

Posting here because not sure if this is quality enough for the main r/TheRedPill page. There's no questions, but any advice is welcome, provided you read the entire thing (it's looooooong). I've given advice here and i'd consider myself well past the n00b redpill stage, but I certainly have a long way to go.

PREFACE

I'm almost a year into separation from the most bluepill ever 5yr marriage. Discovered TRP about almost 4 years ago and what A ride it's been. Worked my way up to ~5 plates at a time, some more active than others. I built a spreadsheet to track my progress and keep notes about what I was learning. It's amazing how some girls can text discussing only logistics, meet up at her place, deep-throat/fuck you like a porno, talk about life and shit for a half hour, watch you put your clothes on and leave saying "hope to see you again soon, i'm free x and x". And that can go on for 8+ months with not a peep of complaint from her. #TheRealMVP. But this isn't about her. This is about a journey into almost a relationship.

FOREWARD

I can't stress this part enough:: I maintained my personal growth and plate spinning throughout this story. In fact, I dropped all plates that were HB4 or under, and added a HB7 and had flings (because of logistics) with 2 8s and an 8.5 during this time. The spreadsheet helped me track all this. I made 0 modifications to my main mission. I also have 2 strong male friends who I have deep, intimate (heterosexual) relationships with, (do NOT knock this, our culture is quick to pussify deep male friendship, when actually the "pussies" are the ones without it). and without them, I'd probably be a mess after this divorce and not able to do any of this. Male support is most important and there is no substitute for it.

PART 1

SO.... I went on a tinder date with a HB6 at best last December. This was about average for the plates that I was spinning at the time. Lack of attraction and a distance factor (more on that later) made my initial intention to next. however, we began discussing occupations and her history, and I noticed something different about her than the other dates, mainly that she was open about many struggles she overcame, and that her job was counseling others through similar situations. In short, she had already found and was living her life passion/purpose. This was attractive on an intellectual level, so with piqued interest, I explained with no exceptions I was looking to meet and get to know people ONLY, not jumping into an LTR (I always do this before I get naked with a girl, and it's only affected things once), and scheduled a 2nd more formal date. Trust me, some of the struggles she mentioned are immediate DQs for an LTR, but I had no intention of LTR with anyone, I had nothing to loose but a little of my time and money by getting to know her better, so I figured "why not?"

I don't regret my decision.

PART 2

Because of the distance and my motives, we hung out about every other weekend, usually overnight, and obviously did more than just sex. All expenses were split 50:50, and I didn't allow any pictures of us together to be taken. Despite her being a self-identified feminist with some r/TwoXChromosomes values, Her energy and attitude were refreshing. At first, I controlled/withheld my emotions, using redpill tactics to keep her tingling. This worked to an extent, but came to a point when canceling plans last minute and doubling down with an IDGAF^(TM) attitude was highly in-congruent with the person she came to know. This caused her to feel rejected and confused enough to screech the hamster wheel to a halt and threaten to end things. On one hand, the fact that a girl who showed this much self respect and #FEMINISM principals on the outside to all her friends would even think about being in an open relationship made me feel like I was doing pretty damn good, but everyone has a breaking point.

So in the name of experimentation, I decided to see what would happen if

  1. I apologized for my insensitivity and cancelling last minute
  2. I removed my redpill filter with her and shared thoughts and emotions as if we were in a LTR (ex. how was your day?, Being emotionally present while she vented about life things within reason)
  3. I reiterated as a non-negotiable that we were not exclusive and I had no intentions of making her exclusive. I wouldn't ignore her, but "I have plans" or "I'm busy" were not to be questioned/challenged.

Part 3

I explained each of these 3 points to her in full detail and to my astonishment, she took the offer and shared deeper things about herself with me. I attended Easter with her family and she showed me off to her friends, bringing me to a work dinner party and having me tag along to extracurricular activities she was involved in. I allowed for her to post Facebook pictures of us as long as I wasn't tagged (we had 0 mutual friends). Because of the distance, for all intents and purposes I was (to her), her boyfriend (when we were in her town). I periodically checked to make sure she was OK with this, reminding her that exclusivity wasn't on the table, and round and round the hamster wheel spun.

Finale

..Until last week when it stopped. She mentioned she was having second thoughts about us and stopped snap-chatting me. Due to our busy schedules, we didn't talk on the phone until this morning. I knew she was at least wanting me to think her intentions were ending things, so I moved my gym time to after the call and reminded myself of my main goals. My plan was simple. If she doesn't want to see me anymore, that's not a change for me other than I no longer initiate conversation with her or make plans with her. Sure enough, she began by stating I was being "insensitive" and "disrespectful" to her and waiting for my reaction, seeing if I would try to save things (surprisingly citing BS things I did the last time we were together rather than the glaring fact that i'm fucking other girls, so I guess the hamster wheel was still moving to a certain extent). I could tell she was surprised at how freely I respected her decision, so maybe there will be an update here, but my plan is to hard next if she hamsters a reason why she wants to continue things. I've learned enough from this, and although there is more to learn with this kind of relationship, It should be with someone else more interesting than her. My mission is growth.

Aftermath:

Still, because there were feelings (albeit certainly no "oneitis" feelings), there was pain. Most of the pain revolves around the fact that I DO intend on having a family someday, and I thought this "psuedo-relationship" would be easier than a real one and that someone with much more principals and values than most girls decided I wasn't LTR material even when I invested and gave effort.

My gym time was productive and I had a good conversation with a male friend about the whole thing. Then I decided to make some improvements:

  1. I bought some chicken breast and looked up a recipe online, and then cooked it. That's new for me. I've been eating shit the past 9 months and although it hasn't taken any toll on my physical appearance due to an active lifestyle and lifting, I'm guessing it's affected me mentally and emotionally. That needs to change. I'm starting today.
  2. I set a schedule to get at least 8 hours of sleep on weeknights. No more late nite redditing/youtube mental masturbation.

I need to take better care of myself in those areas.