20 year old. There are two parts to how I feel

One is I tried to find my dad again and make him apart of my life. He basically abandoned me emotionally and economically when I was 2. I dropped college, my job, my friends, everything for a semester to move abroad and live with him. I always considered him alpha and found out hes just a narcissistic and a loser. He sleeps all day, he works very little, has a girlfriend and is a total beta even though he thinks when he screams and acts like an asshole hes being "manly", shes also vulgar, antisocial and extremely masculine in how she acts/dresses. We basically have been living in a 150sq feet studio for the past 6 months. Im in a very big European city known for food and monuments and he hasnt taken me out to eat anything or see anything once. Hes always in a state of depression and constantly cusses for anything. Just playing a video game he slams the controller on the walls, screams and gets intense anxiety. Complains about money yet spends shit ton of money on hotels, and expensive restaurants and clothes for the girlfriend. Shows no loving affection towards me.

Other part is I went to visit a friend of my moms house for the weekend in another city to see it. I saw an extremely beautiful family. Nice home, the man is actually alpha, shows loving affection towards his son and supports him in his decisions and hobbies. Mom is extremely beautiful and you can tell she deeply loves her son and they are constantly enjoying some family time where it looks real, and not staged like how I have been living my whole life. They were so positive and made me feel a part of the family that when I left to go back to my dads, I feelt my heart completely break. I know this all sounds like shit pussies say and im usually a stoic guy, but I cant keep these emotions in control.

Another small thing is I got complete oneitis with the wife.(moms friend). Im a sucker for MILFS but this was something else. She constantly keept touching me, laughing at my jokes/witty marks, keept touching my arm and telling me how muscular I am, how handsome I am, made dinner with her, etc. Though I didnt fuck her I literally cant shake off the shitty feeling that they are a couple that swing, and if I had balls I could have fucked her and not have caused any issues in the relationship. I know its fucked up morally but from the way they are im almost sure they do. Im jealous that im sure there are guys my age whom she probably sleept with and I didnt get the chance. Its more of a regret that I didnt try and I just kinda waited for her to throw herself completely at me or something. I almost would have preffered to cause trouble in the relationship with her/my mother and me/their family and to be rejected than the regret of never knowing if I could have done it or not and now Ill probably never get the chance.

I just have this knot in my chest I cant shake off, and melancholy like I cant change the way my life is because of my childhood, and how I cant change being a ballsless fuck. Also the fact that I know my dad will never be the loving and supporting father I have always wanted