Sticking it here since /r/offmychest is touchy as hell on content, and I don't really have anything to add to the conversation of the main sub.

Met a girl december last year, while I was still sort of "Not giving a shit" about the people who came by and had sex. She managed to worm her way into my fucking soul so hard it's not even funny.

I fully recognize this as major oneitis now almost 10 months later, but I didn't then.

She was 19, I was 30. I fell, I fell in love something fierce. We had a BDSM type relationship (Daddy/little girl), so I managed to keep an outward upper hand. Not messaging and being a needy cunt, even if I felt that way on the inside. Inner frame completely compromised, but outer frame shakily held. This of course couldn't last. I became more and more needy as time went by, and she was due to leave for military service in july.

So we broke it off early june amiciably, and I firmly held the no-contact rule, even though it pained me.

I realized at that point I had nothing going for me other than her, my job, and lifting, which I hadn't been taking seriously because fucking seemed way cooler to me. I had spent my 20s being a shut in nerd, and now I was facing the music at 30, with few friends, fewer hobbies, and a long, empty road ahead.

So I swallowed the pill and set about on some serious self-improvement. I switched from a halfassed PHUL to a full 6 day PPL and made awesome gains. I took charge of this rundown apartment and started redecorating. I took up indoor gardening. When autumn came I took up MMA (and after 4 weeks got my shit kicked in by a girl and wound up with a broken rib). I felt I had things going for me, even if it wasn't completely what I wanted. Keep building that body, keep trying new things.

Skipping a bit back and forth here, I know, but bear with me. In August I broke the cardinal rule, and replied to my ex when she hit me up for sex. I wasn't craving having her around as much, but due to the rather peculiar nature of our sexual relationship, I jumped at the chance of playing Daddy once more. So she dropped by when she was on leave, and we played like old times. Threw her out before oneitis could set in again. She stopped by again last week, and everything works flawlessly. She'll be stopping by near xmas or something, we'll see. Seems I've successfully plated my ex.

On an unrelated note, I've been a lifelong smoker, from 15 to 28. At 28 I switched to snus, and in march this year I quit that too. THAT was a horrible experience. Turns out though, that I have some sort of baseline anxiety that it was covering up, which was only amplified a thousandfold by the time the breakup came. I was depressed, even when improving and working out every day.

A month ago I relapsed on the nicotine, saying I'd had enough of the depression. What I wasn't aware of was how much of your daily energy doing that saps. So I fell further down this week, and even bought a pack of smokes just for old times, since I'm an addict anyway. This feels so bad, and feels like betraying myself and all I've worked for, since I'm beeing a little bitchcunt about it.

I'm shambling along, but I'm not where I want to be. I'm not doing the things I want to be doing, and here's how I'm gonna fix them.

  • All nicotine goes out of the house. Today. No more excuses. I'll probably hit the 5-htp and l-theanine for the first couple of days to keep the anxiety down. This time it WILL stick.
  • I will stop skipping workouts for no good reason. No excuses.
  • I will cut down on the goddamn fapping. Yes, I'm thirsty as fuck, but once a day is too much. From this moment, sunday is fap day.
  • I will mind my bulk more than I currently do. I'm sitting at 70 kgs (5'8 manlet) now, I will be 80 by april.

Beginning anew. Fall 7 times, get up 8.

TL;DR: Just incoherent rambling, no real question to be resolved.