Greetings. Not sure anybody gives a damn but it always helps to put things to "paper", so here goes.

What I'm doing now

I'm currently reading a book by Caleb Jones of blackdragonblog.com. It seems to me his stuff is very similar to the red pill. I've come to realize that 1) I'm a beta male, and a bad one at that 2) I have low self esteem hindering me from achieving the things in life I want.

Background

I was an only child. My parents got divorced when I was 3 and my mom raised me. My dad couldn't be in my life due to alcoholism and he died from it when I was 8. My mom never set boundaries or demanded anything from me.

Lesson learned:

  • good things come to me if I just do nothing.

In school I felt entitled and I was always at the bottom of the hierachy. I had no idea how to behave socially and I was awkward.

Lessons learned:

  • It's better to shut up because when I speak it annoys people.

  • My opinions don't matter.

  • Sometimes my social skills would end up pissing girls off.

Along the way I learned that I had the ability to observe something about myself, analyze why I didn't like it and do something about it. When I met my exwife she helped me very much with this, turbocharging the process and allowing me to improve myself and steer towards the type of person I wanted to be.

Lesson learned:

  • Undesirable traits aren't permanent.

At age 17 I had a female friend from school who tried to sleep with me. I wanted to try but my soldier wouldn't rise to the occasion. I later learned I had some childhood issues that were the cause of this.

Lesson learned:

  • Sex without feelings is bad and uncomfortable*

My exwife and I were equals but due to the fact that shit happens we lived together for 1 year and then proceeded to move back to her mom's place. After some time we bought the house together with her mom and brother. Big mistake. Her mom is the bossiest woman I've ever known and living with her eventually killed my relationship with my exwife and gave her a depression. It's my fault though as I didn't say no to buying. It was my decision as I was the only one with a job who'd make the bank give us the loan needed.

Lessons learned:

  • Already being a passive person, I became even more passive and prone to just go with the flow not knowing what I wanted and what was best for me.

  • After my ex got a depression I learned to set my needs aside completely. I tried to anticipate her needs ahead of time and adjust accordingly because some days she's break down if I said "good morning".

  • I thought if I did the right things I could help her overcome it. I learned that a depression has to be overcome from within.

We finally realized our relationship was dead and decided I should move. Her mom was actually so bad that my ex begged me to leave even though she loved me. I moved 1 year ago and now have my own apartment. It's the best thing I've done in the last 15 years.

That was a attempt at explained how I believe I ended up being as beta as I am.

New girl A couple of months after moving out I met a girl at work. Meeting her the first time blew my mind. She's the 2nd girl that's ever happened with. Moving the timeline ahead, we ended up in what I'd call somewhat of a relationship (no thanks to me - remember I'm still beta). Holding hands, meeting during work breaks to kiss, mind blowing sex - all of that.

We've been very open in our discussions and we're now at a point where the above is no longer the case. We've agreed/I've learned the following:

  • She's independent (http://www.blackdragonblog.com/2012/07/29/the-three-types-of-women/)

  • I'm a beta male.

  • For her to have a permanent partner he has to be an alpha male.

  • She'd be interested in being friends with benefits, but I declined. Being beta it seems like any type of physical contact with her would result in my feelings for her catching fire again.

  • I have low self esteem and that seems to me to be the root issue of every problem I have in life. That and my lacking social skills were one of the reasons she couldn't see me as a permanent partner.

  • When we started having sex I had erection problems in the beginning again, like with all previous girls, so it seems every time I'm with a new one I'll have that problem. It seems to get better every time though, so I speculate that if I sleep with enough new women it'll go away. Maybe?

Current situation

Me and the girl are trying to see if we can be just friends. Due to lack of social skills and my social needs being fulfilled for 10 years by my exwife I don't have a lot of relationships in my life. The connection I have with this girl is unique and I can talk to her about things I never thought I'd be able to talk to anyone about. I'm aware this is probably a huge mistake. Deep down something tells me I should drop all contact with her for my own well being's sake.

This basically means I'm in a typical beta situation:

  • I'm not sure I have the desire to sleep with random women. I'm programmed to not want it by society and my experiences. I kinda feel conflicted by it though, because when I stare at women I obviously wanna do stuff to them.

  • I still want the girl, even though it'd never work out.

  • I miss the closeness and the sex. Reading the book I mentioned Caleb says that I'm still hung up on this girl because I'm programmed to know that sex (for me) is a scarce commodity. It kinda makes sense. I don't have the means to seek this things from other places yet.

  • She works with coaching and such so she's a very good friend to have in all of this. When we hang out she'll give me feedback. "Don't do that again, that was really beta" or "that was great - very alpha". I can bounce ideas off of her. I've tried talking to my ex (we're on very good terms) and another female friend but they don't seem to grasp what I'm trying to accomplish.

Now

Many of the lessons I've mentioned about have been unlearned again. I'm now perfectly aware that if I want something I need to do something about it. I'm also not a typical only child anymore - meaning I'm humble and think of other people.

I'm reading Caleb's book and analyzing what my needs are, what I need to learn to get them fulfilled and such. I've spent half of my life changing myself to be the person I want to be but completely overlooked the things I've mentioned above. I plan on seeking professional help to help me achieve confidence in myself. I've also lost 10kg and will be starting weight lifting soon.

Thanks for reading

If you've made it this far I thank you. I'd love to hear anyone's opinions and any advice they could give that I hadn't thought of.