I want to start off by saying that I've been lurking the TRP for 5 months at least, and aware of PUA since I was 13 (almost 10 years now although never applied the game aspects until late high school). I have suffered from insecurity, bullying, and depression most of my life and especially in my teenage years. My parents divorced when I was 12 and I grew up with my mom after that (although she's foreign so she's pretty red pilled)

I am not bad looking or dumb though so I always managed to have some gfs throughout high school even in the worst of times. Most of which ended in the typical BP scenario (leaving me for someone else, being overly supplicating etc.) In college, I began to internalize most of the RP and inner game philosphophy and I matured a lot. I have no real problem talking to girls, attracting them, escalating them, etc. into casual flings.

My biggest problem however is that when I become serious with a girl I become overly concerned with her past and her past bfs. I just feel like I don't measure up. I know I'm being completely irrational. But I just can't shake that feeling.

My current girlfriend, she's a very smart girl from a very good family. Grew up catholic although moved a lot and so had a lot of self esteem issues until last few years of high school. She's a 7/8. She was pretty inexperienced but not a virgin when we first met 9 months ago. From what I gathered, she had one long term boyfriend (about a year) in high school who she lost her virginity to (ugly ass motherfucker, but he was a jock and she was a dancer/cheerleader) and some guy she hooked up with on the night of her prom (after her original prom date went home if you can believe that).At first the idea of her bf was the only thing that really bothered me (even though intellectually I feel that I am superior to him), but in a way he seems to represent everything I used to want to be in my teenage years and it just burns with jealousy and hatred inside.

However, when she told me this latest hook up / casual story. It really bothered me. And it still does. Not gonna lie. I was NAWALTing her pretty bad and this just kinda burns. This was with a very manly jock guy (which I know I'm not like, I'm average build, attractive but I'm not man's man) and it just pisses me off because it seems so fucked up and similar things have happened to me (where a girl will hide away the fuck that she's actually fucking or would rather fuck some other guy while pretending to actually want me) and I know it seems like what I say about actually following RP sounds like BS after what I'm saying now but I just felt like venting.

This is coming off in my relationship, I can't help but make references to these two things that she has told me and I know I must be coming off like such an insecure beta. And it's really breaking my frame, because really I have everything so locked up. But I just don't feel like a man and I just don't feel like I can measure up no matter how hard I try.

I like to say that we're all gonna make it.

But sometimes I just really feel like I won't make it. Thanks for reading this.