I know many women are able to have quickies (apparently, including all my boyfriend's previous sex partners lmao) but I am not. I'm willing to suck it up once in a while but I'm pretty tired of doing it all the time. I have multiple, mild sexual pain issues (mild vaginismus, low cervix, generally too small vagina) and historically a lot of guys, rather than giving extra consideration, just kind of assume it's going to hurt me either way so why bother? Even if they do everything right, sometimes it does hurt me anyway, and I feel guilty.

I'm open about my sexual needs in general, but I don't bring them up in the moment as I don't want to pressure him. After the sex, I tell him how much I loved xyz thing hoping to encourage him to do it again. For example, when we met, he didn't give head and I consistently expressed my displeasure about it, but also only brought it up outside of sex because I wasn't going to pressure him into something he's uncomfortable with. Now, we've been together about 2 years and he started to enjoy giving head, and will do it once or twice a week if I'm shaved which is a great improvement, and I REALLY appreciate it. I don't even need oral all the time ...but I'd like to be thrown some hand stuff or even just kissing beforehand.

Basically, I need some socially graceful way to pivot in the moment. Usually, this is how the routine goes: One of us brings up having sex. It's probably me more often, 60 - 40. I give him head, which is kind of a mutually initiated thing. After that things can go one of two ways-- If he gives me even a little bit of foreplay it is very glaringly obvious that it makes the subsequent sex better for me. Usually, I'm not in pain, enjoy it a lot more, and can easily have hands free vaginal orgasms. If I smoke weed beforehand, this can have the same effect, so sometimes I try to make sure that happens.

On the other hand, if I get nothing (which is easily 60-70% of the time) and he reaches for the lube instead, I cringe inside and try to pivot gracefully. I regret ever purchasing that gelatinous trash, it's just an excuse to get around the fact that I'm completely dry. It does not help me with the pain because although it moistens everything up, my vagina is still all shriveled and small. At this point I try to hint at my trepidation by saying "be gentle" or "are you sure you don't just want a blow job instead" (if I was the one who asked for sex, it looks ridiculous to suddenly back out of it, I have no idea how he doesn't get the hint...). Then I just kind of try to get it over with-- if he gives me a reach around it can kind of save things, but usually it just finally starts to turn me on near the end and then I have to go take care of myself in the bathroom afterwards.

Also I'm usually kind of angry the whole time, because why should I have bothered to give him head beforehand while I got NOTHING, not even a kiss? He's not even the one that has to have a large object repeatedly slammed into his body so why does he get foreplay and I don't? I know I should be more direct but I kind of feel like I shouldn't have to -- the facts are on the table and having to awkwardly bring it up and ruin the mood sucks. I am not going to enjoy anything I have to beg for anyway, it defeats the purpose.

Also, it makes me feel like an anatomical failure. My boyfriend has been in relationships constantly since he was 13 and his routine has apparently always worked on every girl except me. Every time I've tried to have these types of conversations with any guy, they've become turned off or defensive and said that I'M the weird one. It's really a catch 22 at this point. Who's had to do this before and how did you do it?