Hi Reds,

I am going through a transition in my life. Have been depressed and quite nihilistic and hedonistic for the past whatever months, recently decided it is time to stop pitying myself and take control back. By no means I let myself go completely, I am still good looking although not as muscular, have decent career etc. however I am not in a good place mentally.

My mother got diagnosed with very rare and incurable disease and my relationship with family has deteriorated, on top of that I lost some plates and my confidence was starting to slip but at the time I did not understand this. I choose to do everything by the redpill book and based my entire world on very cynical and nihilistic perspective.

This brought me to the following:

Couple week ago I broke up with my LTR because I thought she was starting to take advantage of me in some ways, I gave no warning nothing just send her things back to her.

I started a routine and made changes to lifestyle that I know are good for me.

Well I started therapy recently and started reading No More Mr. Nice Guy again as well as the recent post on TRP about Simple Old Basic Mistakes. I realized that I did a lot of mistakes and set up covert contracts for myself, became outcome dependent and wanted particular outcomes at particular times without being able to truly enjoy things.

I came to the following realization: I have deep childhood trauma due to loss of my mother and issues with my father (now my stepmother is also dying), this caused me to have nice guy syndrome and develop covert contracts. 5 Years ago when I started my redpill journey I did all the basics and got results which snowballed into me developing confidence and ego, i forced myself to just blindly trust everything on redpill and take actions which were sometimes very incongruent with me (be an actual asshole to people because I wanted to train myself to be one) but none of it was as stable as I thought, because I didn't deal with the real issues that lie deep within me. And as soon as things started shaking and shaking a lot, at some point my confidence and self esteem crashed. Also I never felt completely congruent with redpill, sure fucking random chicks and spinning plates is good, but thats not what I want in life, I want connection I want family I want feeling something genuine (at least to me). I fucked so many models and some high end prostitutes for free over the years but to be honest with you, despite how much I liked it, it always felt like degeneracy to me. This also caused me to mistreat my GF a lot, at times when she was showing genuine love and care I thought that unless I receive this particular brand of love then she doesnt really love me, it cause me to resent her a lot but in reality I resented myself. Everything I did came from deeply rooted belief that I am not enough, not worthy and toxic shame. At times when I didn't know how to act or was hurt I handled it purely through redpill lens but now I realize that deep inside of me was huge void and I acted out of scarcity.

Now realizing this, first of all I want to give a piece of advice:

ANGRY BOYS WHO COME TO REDPILL MAKE SURE YOU DEAL WITH CORE ISSUES AND NOT JUST PUT ON FACADE THROUGH LIFTING AND LEARNING PICKUP AND SMASHING A LOT, IF YOU DON'T FIX WHATS BROKEN WITHIN, ONE DAY YOU WILL BREAK.

Number Two: Has anyone gone through something similar, or is going through something similar? How did you deal with it? Were you able to be whole again and develop healthy ego? Did NMMNG actually help?

Number Three: Do you think reconciliation with partner is still possible? We are in contact and I saw true and genuine love from her even after our fallout.

Looking forward to your replies, cheers.