Link to original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/in7j0h/my_wife_gave_birth_to_a_blackbaby_that_clearly/

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Unfortunately my last post was locked, but I received a lot of helpful PMs from people. I'm particularly thankful for those who've lived through a similar situation(or have family and friends who've done so) and sent me advice on how this affected them and how to navigate the situation. I'd also like to thank the hundreds of mouthbreathing bigots who spammed my inbox.

The big takeaway for me was that if I'd need to lead by example here, not excluding her in any way because of her paternity so that she and my sons would see her as a full member of the family. Also that I need to be more active in confronting the bigoted and ignorant nonsense I've been hearing, and teach my sons to do the same to protect their sister. I've spoken to some of those responsible since and made clear my feelings on this, and that she is to be treated as a member family, and that if I ever find out that they've said things like that to my sons or their sister that they won't be allowed around us anymore.

I've spoken to my wife about this, and we're more or less on the same page. She's been begging me to forgive her and not go through the divorce, but that's not going to happen. Even if I didn't consider the cheating unforgivable, I just dont feel any love for her any more, other then a platonic affection for her as the mother of my children.

My sons are handling this as well as can be expected. The 4 year old doesn't fully understand, but is upset by the change in the household, thankfully he's easily distracted. The 2 year old is thankfully too young to comprehend what's going on, but has definitely picked up on how withdrawn his mother has become. They're both fascinated with their new little sister, so there's that silver lining.

My wife OTOH isn't in good shape at all. She was depressed even before the birth, and now with everything- our divorce, her infidelity being revealed and the backlash from family and friends, PPD, and the exhaustion from raising an infant- she's barely functional. She's seeing a therapist, and I've been pressuring some of our family and friends to be supportive of her because even if they think she deserves it her current state is making it harder for me and our children.

It's become very obvious to me that even after the divorce is finalized we're going to have to live together for a while longer. She's in no shape to be taking care of three kids without someone else around to support her, and I'm not willing to deprive her of her sons by seeking sole custody. It's also too difficult financially, since she's lost her job because of COVID.

As for the baby girl, she's healthy and fairly easy by baby standards. Since I've been helping care for her, I've bonded with her and I've discussed the possibility of adopting her with my wife. She can't contact the father, as the only thing she knows about him is his first name. And given our coparenting situation it feels like adopting her as my daughter would be the best outcome for all involved-

HOWEVER, there's been a wrench thrown in that plan. It was brought to my attention that there may be a way of finding the baby's father, namely by having her DNA tested by AncestryDNA. If the father or one of his relatives has also taken the test, we may be able to find him through there DNA match database.

If I'm being completely honest I'm not happy about this. I've already started to think of the baby girl as my daughter, and having him in our lives would massively complicate the family dynamic. Plus we live in Seattle and she met him in Philadelphia, so god knows how they'd even make it work if he wanted to be the kid's father.

However, I recognize that this is a selfish reaction. If we have a chance of finding her biological father we owe it to her do so, if only so that she has access to her paternal medical history and so that she can have a relationship with him if and when she chooses to do so. I've read a few accounts by children raised by non-biological parents and a common thread is their desire to meet their lost biological parent, so thats that. We've ordered an AncestryDNA kit for her, and I guess we'll decide our next steps once we get the results back in a couple of months.