EDIT: Disdain towards her, shame towards myself.

This plate is head over fucking heels for me, sex is on demand, she has done nothing wrong to me... so why do I feel almost angry towards her?

There was no need to play games, it was all easy, too easy almost. 1 shit test. Little to no investment on my part. Could that be why?

Is it because she's essentially the only girl that my developing game works on? That I feel that she's lower value not just because of her looks, but because she fell for me even before I started working to become high value, while I was as blue as a asphyxiating smurf in the ocean?

Truth is, I know I'm not high value right now. I'm muscular. I'm decent looking. I spit game, get a makeout every other party, a blowjob occasionally, but I'm not the guy banging a different girl twice a week. I'm a work in progress. But still, she likes me.

Is it because she effectively "chose" me, and the only reason I'm with her is because sex with a 6 is better than no sex at all? The fact that if I could be with anyone better, I would?

I can't see myself marrying her, but for reasons in addition to her sluttiness in the past. She's submissive and nice, but if I married her, it would like be a giant reminder every morning that this was the best I could get. Not even getting married, if we "releationshiped" each other on facebook, that would be too much. If we took a picture together, I would never want anyone to see it.

"I can do better." That is the constant thought on my mind. If she was hot, would I feel the same way? Would I still need to "sow my oats" if she looked like Scarlett Johannsson?

She acts like a beta male around me. I'll update this tomorrow with what she does, and see if I can really make her pull some beta male moves. Is this how women feel towards betas?

I hate how she is the only source of sexual release for me. I'm ashamed to be seen with her in public for fear of running into someone. I know that anyone that knew both of us in high school would go "Wow, I did not see that coming. He must be really desperate."

I can do better.

Perfectionism is a blessing and a curse.