Gentlemen, first excuse my English and my writing.

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I need advice from the older members.

I'm early-mid 20's, living in a shithole country, I consider myself intelligent but maybe I'm full of shit. Taken the pill. Implemented some aspects of it, and some not. With some things I had a hard time internalizing them and I'm generally being a pussy, and with some things I just don't agree or don't bother. Studying in a high demand field. Here is the problem:

I have emotional swings. Before discovering the red pill (and I discovered it by chance, I wasn't specifically looking for something like this) I thought women were fucking crazy. Crazy for, you know, being a woman and some crazy chicks that had fallen for me. I mean, I don't have a confidence problem, but boy am I unstable in relationships. I think I was unintentionally doing push pull. Sometimes I'll be all beta with a girl, hug her, kiss her, massage her, doing all kinds of shit for her, telling her how I love her, how she is great etc etc. Then some random event makes me mad. It can be the news, it can be something not going to plan (oh shit that gets me railed up), it can be the fucking weather, it can be her and it can be something internally. Doesn't matter. I just become cold. And if she bothers me, I go all out on her. I have to clarify that I've never hit a woman and I don't take pleasure from physically hurting someone. I just scream and bring every insecurity she has. Then after a week or so I cry like a little bitch to get together. Repeat. While I was young I found out that I take great pleasure when I make someone really angry and I'm staying cool. Did it with my father. He beat the shit out of me but it was worth it. I despise him, but lately I forced myself to forgive him for his mistakes and now we have a healthy relationship and I can say I love him. I've always loved my mother. Recently I found out (here on the red pill, thanks guys) that I was looking for motherly love in every relationship. I cut that shit out. Sometimes when everything is going perfect with a girl I'll bring her deepest insecurities and watch her have a tantrum, just like I did with my dad, just for the shit and giggles. Then I will apologize like a little bitch. The problem is I don't take much enjoyment from a relationship. After some time I feel empty.

Next, my relationships with friends. I love my friends, they are great guys, but I don't feel they can have my back. I was the guy that was always pushing everybody to improve themselves, to jump the cliff, to do the things they are capable of. I don't get that from them. When somebody needs to bitch slap me, they are not there. I've worked out, but stopped on the account of being a pussy. Not gonna lie to you all. Seeing my body deteriorate has made me even more miserable. Started smoking 2 packs a day and generally having a bad life style. Only thing that is keeping me alive is my good diet habits that I made while I was training. They say bro cut that shit out it's hurting you, but in an indifferent manner. I feel like they don't care. And most of the times all I really need is a good bitch slap to wake me up. They will stand beside me, but with merits while I was always good to them and always going out of my own to help them.

Now, the emotional part. I have pinpointed the problem to some difficulties:

  1. High expectations of the world. Self explanatory. Is this is all we can become. I'm disappointed. We could have been exploring the solar system by now, instead whenever I look outside I just see fucking machines. Living just to buy some stupid shit and then brag to their friends. Living in an era when you can learn anything you want, and deciding you want to watch the Kardashians or shit like that. Living in some cube called apartment (I'm living in one now, it's fucking miserable. I was raised in a house and was a mountain climber when younger, now with no access to nature or even a fucking back yard I'm miserable) and biting their time watching pointless series and doing pointless things, just waiting for death to come and take them. Ok, let's escape the reality and turn on the TV. Another child is starving in Africa, another war in some shithole called middle East, another rape in Sweden, and some woman and small looking men screaming in the USA. Still haven't figured out why. Fuck.
  2. High expectations of my self. I always thought that I would do some cool shit, be someone, matter to the community, save the world (thanks lord of the rings and marvel). Now, with every action I take it just gets pointless and pointless. I am in fear that I missed that opportunity or I will miss it because sometimes I am a lazy piece of shit, or even scarier that I wasn't meant for those things. I've read a post a while ago, some dude wrote something in the lines of "relax kid, if the faith of the worlds was in your hands, we are fucked". lol. That hit right home. He was right. I know that logically, but I don't feel it.
  3. Fear of death. I'm scared as fuck. Sometimes I'll be minding my own business, stroking my penis or whatever and I have a thought- you are going to die one day. Instantly I'm having cold sweat, my heart beats faster and I have to move around or I have a feeling that I'm about to explode. Tried religion and spirituality. I've known the bible is full of shit since I was 9 or 10 I think, so going to church didn't help. Had a talk with some muslim friends, great for them for having faith, but I didn't feel a connection. Explored my pagan roots, and while I do enjoy mythology and find the things there helpful, I just lack the spiritual component. Those who really believe in an after life are truly blessed. Evola has been on my shelf for some time now, haven't touched those books. Started reading something about Traditionalism but I don't want to be disappointed again.

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So, to wrap things up, whenever I have mood swings, I'm thinking about those 3 particular things or something in correlation with them. Also, I'm daydreaming a lot and being trying to cut it out. If you are thinking right now you are fucked up, yes I had that thought, went to a psychiatrist, told him all my shit, he said I was looking way in the future, and not focusing on present tasks, prescribed me anti depressants. Took them, made me sleepy as fuck and I couldn't function, said fuck it, I self medicated with valium and vodka for about a year, didn't turn out well. Right now I'm done with all my vices, just to cut the cigarettes out and return to the gym.

Any input is appreciated.

(Don't look this as a post, just bullet-points of things that I think will help you in understanding)