Well, I came here I guess because I don't know where else to get this off my chest. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a reason for me choosing this sub to post my rant in over r/confessions. There is a lot of hate for TRP: on reddit and sometimes in the outside world. I was kind of skeptical of the sub myself. A lot of the "tactics" that I've seen seemed unnecessary. But, I've realized you guys seem to have a much more realistic view on the way the world works as compared to the general atmosphere on reddit. So for those interested, here's my story:

I was a good student in high school as well as a good football player. I had lots of friends, was considered attractive, and was very successful with women. I decided to go to a well known academic institution in the US for college. When I got there, life was no different. Because of sheer volume, I was even more successful with women and making friends. I branched out from the football team, making friends with people other than my teammates. I would say I was well known and well liked, especially for a freshman in college. Then one night everything cascaded down. I invited a girl that I barely knew, but could tell was into me over to my dorm. I had been drinking heavily that night and she hadn't. When she got there we exchanged some small talk and then I said something to the effect of "we might as well not beat around the bush" and we started hooking up. Things got pretty heated and clothes were coming off. I eventually went to get a condom. She stopped me at this point and said "Can we not?" The phrasing she used confused me, but I put the condom down and got back into bed with her where we continued to hook up. After about 15 minutes of hooking up my drunken mind was not thinking about her previous refusal for sex. I began to rub against her opening with my penis. She moaned in response. I took this as a cue to push into her and start having sex. Now at this time I was also fingering her with one hand. After about 15 seconds of being inside of her, she asked "Wait, are we having sex right now?" and when I confirmed, she freaked out and asked me to stop. She was on top of me so I repositioned myself so she could get off. She quickly began to dress and leave.

Now this next part will probably make many of you angry. I'm beyond furious thinking about it, not so much because of what the girl did, but because of how I reacted. The next day on the phone she accused me of raping her. I tried to explain to her that I thought consent was present when I was literally stroking my penis against her and she seemed to like it. She said that I needed to ask her before I continued to do anything because she had already told me no. I tried to explain to her that I was very drunk, but I quickly became fearful of what it could mean. Instead of defending myself I just apologized and insisted that it was a lack of communication. It would have been nice if this were the end of the situation, but the disaster continued. About two weeks later I get a long email from the girl. Saying that what I did was unambiguously considered rape and that she was an advocate for women who had been sexually assaulted "long before she was assaulted herself." I was flabbergasted, but beyond that I was scared shitless. This would mean the end of my academic career if it went anywhere. So, I did the most spineless and vile thing that I think I've ever done in my life. I conceded to her assertions. I basically agreed with all offenses she put towards me. I figured she was just the type that would want to dominate me psychologically and wouldn't actually go anywhere with the accusations if I agreed with her.

For a while I was right. She held it over my head, but she was virtually silent about it. We had a lot of mutual friends and not one of them approached me about it. Still trying to cover my ass, I'd keep in contact with her. She eventually started messaging me first for pleasant conversation, wished me happy birthday, etc. Four months after the incident, she reported it to the school. I was alerted that law enforcement had not been contacted and that this would be a school investigation. I was not allowed to have a lawyer, only an adviser. I told my mutual friends and football coach the story, leaving out the part about her initially rejecting intercourse. I told everyone that it was just the natural progression of events. I was so scared. I had to work hard to keep my grades up. Eventually there was a hearing. She had witness after witness come in to speak on the "psychological impact the event had on her." I just had character references from people that knew both of us. The board kept focusing on the fact that I didn't use a condom and that I didn't go to some mandatory meetings at the beginning of the year. It was all a very confusing process. I tried to paint the picture of her as a person with something to gain from being a victim and explain that my self-incrimination was done out of fear instead of conviction for what I had done. Still, a week after the hearing I was notified that I'd be suspended for two years.

To say my life has been ruined may be a bit melodramatic, but this incident has had an unbelievable impact on me. I'm now bitter towards women. I don't know how to get back into normal interactions with women now. I posted this hear because I assumed some of you would have some advice for how I can recover and live my life normally. I also help those new to TRP will heed my warning. Had I acted with any shred of backbone or TRP mentality in this situation, I would have never been in it. I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place. Thank you for reading.