Alright so here goes since I haven't felt this absolute shit in a long long time now.

Today was a god-awful day. It started so well but it all turned to absolute shit within a 30-minute call with my LTR. It's been 5 months since my father passed away at age 50, leaving me, my mom and my brother behind. I'm only 19 and I have had to deal with so much shit in the past few months, especially emotionally that it was beyond normal. I've been doing relatively well because I kept really busy but I haven't had anyone to talk to about my father's death and how exactly it affected me, I just kept marching forward and nobody suspected anything was up. And thank god that I did not let myself go or fall into despression because I have had to man up and and if I hadn't, I would have lost a lot of money probably.

I don't have much family besides my parents and my lone grandma and my brother. I met a fantastic girl about 2 months ago and we got into an LTR and things have been totally great until now. I think I might have caught oneitis again since it's my first serious LTR that I care about (which is stupid, I know but I can't help myself right now). Anyway, since my dad died money has been tight for me going through university so that's one thing that's stressing me out, the other things I can't even get into right now because it would take too long. My LTR and I have been together for about 5 weeks now and we're both young and quite unexperienced in a lot of things, so we've had a few misunderstandings but nothing big, things have been great so far.

Yesterday, my grandma died quite unexpectedly, just when things had finally started to look bright again and I had been moving on somewhat successfully, here comes fate and pushes me down once again. It hadn't affected me as much since I've felt not exactly good for the past half year. I was going to meet my girlfriend this thursday after she had come home from her university which is about 2 hours away by train and honestly, it had been the light at the end of the tunnel of this already horrible week, it had really kept my head up even though I know that technically, it shouldn't have and I should move on with my life regardless of what my gf does, but I'm only human and I was really really looking forward to it.

So today she called me and after a short conversation she told me that she wasn't going to stop by my place this thursday because she has to study a lot and she wants to go to bed early so she has all friday for studying, which logically, makes sense and I understand her point of view because I've seen the ridiculous amounts of stuff she has to learn so it's fair enough. But here's the big fuckup: I don't know for what goddamn reason, but I started tearing up on the phone. I'm almost ashamed at myself to be honest. I tried my best to hide it but of course she noticed and she felt bad about the whole thing and said she was going to come by on thursday, to which I said no because I didn't want to guilt trip her into coming over. I just completely lost my frame. It's probably because I have bottled up all these emotions for months now and this phone call might have been what just pushed me over the edge.

We were on the phone for a bit after that but we didn't really make up or anything, she's mad that I got so upset over her not being able to make it, and honestly, so am I because it's not what I am normally like. I texted her a bunch of stupid shit afterwards because I felt like absolute garbage after our call and wanted to make up before I went out tonight, which, of course, we didn't because I got emotional and we all know how that ends.

Anyways, this has probably been one of the worst days of my life so far and I just needed to tell somebody and maybe have a few people give me some advice because I am totally at the end of my wisdom. I haven't felt suicidal in nearly three years, but I know this feeling deep down inside me that is very similar to how I felt back then. Not going to lie, a part of me just wants everything to come to an end, I just want to die.