Hey all,

So have actually just finished reading all the side bars, and my goodness the eyes are wide open in my head at the moment. I have always had a strange experience with alpha / beta carry on - as my father is aggressively blue pill (not making excuses just providing some context). But due to training in MMA when younger 14-18 have had a huge influx of alpha behavior showcased into my life.

So I am essentially like a big mixing pot.

There has always been the Beta mindset around the house, and when I was younger I never really had "friends" as such and the typical sob story. Started MMA, for whatever reason - and it was a reality check. I was the smallest in the class and I was kicked around regularly. Not a good look. Would come home with black eyes regularly from sparring guys twice my size etc etc - but then my coach started doing 1 on 1 training with me for muscle building and extra technique. A few more weeks of eating shit, and then a few new kids joined, so I was no longer at the bottom of the food chain.

During this time I ended up fighting in a national competition and ended up coming like 4th or some shit - not the best result but there was my vision and mission. Around the same time, I moved to a new group of friends, and the female attention looking back was immense. I was in no means in my eyes an "alpha" as I didnt know what the hell it was, but I was in good shape for my age (16) and had attended stage school for a while so i had the confidence.

Anyway, there was this girl in our group who all the guys were obsessed with, and guess who she liked. I couldn't believe it was me, as I did not even think for a minute it would of been me - literally paid her zero attention ever, but she was crazy for me apparently. And I had ZERO experience with girls in this stage - literally first LTR.

Anyway, so we started "seeing eachother", which led to an LTR, which of course included smashing and all things involved. Big thing back then that I wish I knew were the shit tests - there would be things like she would complain that I was always training and with friends , and it got to a stage where she literally flipped her shit because I went to a concert and didnt mention it to her, got suuuuper drunk and ended up staying in a friends house. She "wanted a break" and did the deed the next day over text saying that I never shared things with her and it was her making all the effort etc etc (she saw all our posts on social media).

I was hurt, and was a sincere sufferer of oneitis but it annoyed me more than anything that she did it through text, so I just replied something like "Yeah that makes sense. Talk to you in a bit" - and did not text her for a week. I was hurting during that week, but when I texted her again she was going insane saying that I acted like it was nothing and didnt care about her and stuff. Which was insane to me as all I did was play it cool - dually noted.

Anyway we carried on in an LTR for like 3 years all in - during that time there would always be issues that she felt like I was not making an effort, spending too much time with friends (I did compromise this unfortunately - did not know it was a shit test). Anyway it all came to a head during the summer months, when our plans over lapped eachothers, I was away for a conference type event I was invited to to help develop some software I was working on, while she was going on a drinking holiday. She was leaving on say the 2nd of the month and home the 16th, I was leaving the 13th and back the 8th of the next month.

Thought nothing of it really, she was off out partying every day - I barely contacted her as I was hyped for my holiday and was told that I would need surgery when I come back. When I was away and she was home and was using social media - I was texted EVERYDAY. It was wild. It got to a stage where she basically broke up with me over text because I didnt care about her (again me being baffled as this RP is a new find to me) - but once again I just said yeah cool I think thats a good idea. And thats when the calls started. I came home after, had ended up sleeping with 2 girls over there, and we "met up". I kept my complete composure, because looking back - I just didnt care. She was crying and screaming for an explanation as to why I was acting like I am to which I just shrugged and said "acting like what?" - which was like red flag to a bull.

Anyway, so after that night she tried to get it back to normalish terms - and texted away normally until she always brought it back that she did not know where we stood and that I was being selfish and all these things and it was at this time I jsut stopped replying to her - which again sent her into a blow the phone up frenzy. So I point blank just stopped replying as I had to prepare mentally for this surgery.

I had my surgery, but ended up loosing a load of weight due to a reaction with the medicine and looked like sack within 2 weeks of the surgery - my clothes etc did not fit me anymore. That is when I discovered the gym - and started lifting regularly and eating like a mother fucker. 3 months I literally went MIA - was in for my classes etc, but never met friends for drinks and nights out, gym 5 days a week and packing on substantial mass.

It started with the occasional glance. Get on the bus and sit beside the a schoolkid going to school, and all her friends would start giggling. My godfather started treating me like a god, talked for hours about all sorts of stuff - was like he just met me for the first time, and my energy and confidence was fucking sky high. Like passing through the O zone. I was holding the frame like a mother fucker no matter where I went, talking to everyone in shops and cafes and stopping random people to give them complements it was quite wild.

The next night I went out I was being harassed by girls, the more I acted like I just was not interested - the more they came it was wild. Ended up going back with a girl to her place and did the deed. Leaving the next day she was asking me to stay and do things that day but I said I couldn't as was super busy blah blah but I did feel like I somewhat wanted to? I did not know it at the time, but it was the Beta clawing its way back up the surface (and certainly would not be the last time I saw of him).

So life carried on like that for a while, in college, living the life. Would cross paths with ex every once in a while and was always amicable, but never went back there. Until last summer. Ended up in a spur of the moment decision to move across the country and work as a waiter for the summer - as I wanted a change. Moved over anyway and on the first night met the manager - an easy 9. Literally thought nothing of it as evidently was older and definitely would not be interested in that way - so carried on as I normally do for the first 2 days.

I notice manager is texting me alot over first day or 2 (making sure I am settling in alright), asking me on nights out and stuff - plenty of Karaoke and stuff involved, but she was always at a distance so thought nothing of it.

Anyway one night we were out, and I was telling her everything that is wrong with the place, and that it would not last as competition in the town I came from against a few of the other restaurants I worked in. All good and well. We were chatting away nothing too crazy - late enough at this stage though. I was heading home, when manager texted me to go over to her place and could have a drink if not too tired. Weird I thought but we ended up talking for a while when I just noticed she was sitting super close and was like you know what fuck this and kissed her. Woo great success - and we continued on smashing the whole way through summer. But at this stage I could notice some Beta coming back.

We ended up going LTR for my final year in university, which is a blessing or a curse, and once again I was noticing I was passing on opportunities to hang out with my friends in exchange to go to her place (about 2 hours away) and smash for the weekend - meh it was an okay trade off. For then. (It was around this time discovered the RedPill, and ordered the rational male, and started slowly reading it - having mixed feelings about it. I knew it was all true and revelvant based on previous experiences, but I thought perhaps this time it was different).

That went on for a few months, she would come to me the very rare time - but then around March it took a turn. Perhaps things started getting too comfortable, because as apposed to ripping each others clothes off every time we got the chance, it slowed down a lot. Instead of rushing home to get in the shower and not be able to help ourselves before we got out, the showers got a bit longer. But the biggest one was that the phone calls started going unanswered.

In my head it was her who was on her mission, with me following closely behind which is a big no no. The big one was with my birthday. For her birthday got her a little necklace type thing and spent a few days together - just before it all slowed down incidentally. For my birthday - got nothing. Zilch. Barely a birthday text as she was too busy. And it hurt.

Things started ringing in my head about the rational male book and that it was time to re read it and finish it, so that is what I did. And stared reading back here and other forums. So was in that moment realised Beta was back and fucking me the ass making me feel like a bitch.

I brushed it off, and made other plans for my birthday and went out and had a great time with friends - with a few questionable actions. Landed a new big boy corporate job for when university finishes this month - with a load of travel involved, and a few other things. We spoke briefly since my birthday, but I completely pulled the reins back - and will allow her to contact me now. She tried calling me yesterday that I just let ring out as was in the gym.

Basically how do I bury Beta once and for all? The tenancies are there, and I can see them (I presume self awareness is a key element). He is back and niggling and he needs to be gone - I can read here until the cows come home, but until I start practicing things I know its fighting a losing battle. Any advice would be brilliant?