I am not going to bore with my story, I have already read my biography here several times. From different perspective, what was maybe needed, but extremely painfull to me.

Short story - the reason I decided to took redpill and stop being bluepill simultanously caused my depression. Not some emo-teen stuff being sad, but heavy clinical depression(yeah, been in psychiatrist and got treatment), if you didn't had it, you won't understand. The hardest episode passed and I don't want to commit suicide anymore(hopefully for eternity), but I am still unstable, moody, having extremely low self-esteem and very fragile. I got some set goals, that I hope, once I get, it will change something in my mentality - I am current moving to much better paying work(same field, just had to pass bar, some obligatory stuff to intern) and I am starting using testosterone in 2-3 weeks. It is basically my sense of life right now and only anchor. Then I plan to fully fake it till you make it.

Now my questions - I am already to close to be addicted to benzodiazepine, to heavy drinking alkohol hampers my lifting plus my job doesn't allow for regular intoxications. Only times I function proper, is when I got task, which requires my full attention(my job keeps me alive most of time) . Otherwise my thoughts always drift to her and her alfa(after all it turned out I am not really nice guy to pick be hurt instead of hurt), it paralyses me, destroys my mood and basically blocks me from doing anything. Stopped reading books(loved it), got problems watching movies/series or playing video games.

Do you have some ideas for task and activities for this 2-3 weeks to occupy my mind and do something to improve? Been last week at 2 dates with girls under my level and still complete disaster - I just shut in(they were without alkohol, with it had during weekend ONS, but as I said, alkoholism ain't anwser).

Studying, improving my english(I am not native and not living in english speaking country) or learning new languages ain't answer - not in my state. Tried it.

After reading subreddit I know otherwise I am not unique(maybe in negative way - my parents got stable, happy marriage, loves and supports me and unlike me, my father is natural born alpha, negative in way that I am loser despite it). But depression isn't something you can explain to someone, who had never had it - been at both sides of conversations, it is like explaining colours to blind, so I just need something good and easy to focus.