My insecurities with who i am has by far been the biggest deterrent to achieving social success. I have always been the "quiet, reserved guy" not because I am a mysterious person or any of that sort, but simply because I am too insecure to reveal myself in front of others. This insecurity causes me to become quiet in social situations, which of course makes me look socially retarded.

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until very recently, i did not even think i had any insecurities. I just thought I was more interesting than others, since I had more to hide. That was until i met an old friend of mine who has become Chad. he had no problem in showing me his instagram DMs which was popping with girls. he showed whole conversations with people that i would rather burn my phone than show anyone. he also had no problem telling me stories that i'd previously thought were unimaginable telling even my closest friends. he did all this while acting like it was completely normal. Even after all this i still jumped whenever he touched my phone.

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although this is a small episode, it made me reflect more on the situation. i have nothing so serious to hide my DMs. i barely talk to girls compared to this guy, and yet i feel like i have more to hide. this has led me to seeing a larger problem with myself. my parents have always accused me of hiding something since i turned a teenager. sometimes, it did have merit, as i was probably hiding porn or whatever. other times, however, i would lock my room and sit simply because i did not want them to know what i was doing, even if it was absolutely nothing. i have realised that i was always ashamed of who i am, even though there is nothing to be ashamed of. i do not want people to see the real me, and thus always speak with a filter around everything i say and agree with the majority in every group setting. basically in situations when i am entering a new group or with new people, i act worse than a beta male. even as i write this post, i feel insecure because it exposes the real me and contains something i wouldn't even dream of saying to a person irl.

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This has also been the reason i haven't been able to emotionally connect with a person. whenever feelings come up, i sperg out and completely avoid the topic- not because i am some master stoic alpha, but because i am simply too scared to open up.

How do i become more secure with myself, so that i am able to speak without a filter and say what's on my mind? i am so insecure that even when i know the answer to something, i say "probably" and "maybe" so much that it seems as if i dont know what im talking about. i could continue this post to be pages long, but i think i'll end it here.