I'm posting my story here because I really need to recommit to practicing what's discussed here and to be honest I also need to get some shit off my chest and figure out how I got here.

I was born with a mixed genetic inheritance. I have a high IQ, which has allowed me to earn a decent living relatively easily, and when I was younger I was good-looking enough that I had no problem picking up women just by showing up. On the other hand my mother's side of the family has a history of mental illness, including bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. While I don't have either of those conditions, I've always suffered from anxiety and depression, which led me to become an alcoholic and a drug addict until I got sober in AA over twenty years ago.

When I was nineteen I met and started dating a seventeen-year-old girl who was literally the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. When we'd walk into a room every pair of eyes would turn to her. She was also smart and creative and just about as crazy as me and we had the most intense, ecstatic, and wildly co-dependent relationship I've ever experienced or ever imagined experiencing for that matter. When we would go out I would feel like a million bucks with her on my arm and the sex was beyond anything I had ever experienced before, physically and emotionally. When I met her I had dropped out of college for a semester to work as a waiter and I had just come off of a run of sleeping with at least one new woman every week or two for the past several months. As soon as we started dating I threw out my little black book without giving it a second thought.

We dated for roughly two years, during which time I dropped out of college a second time to start a business with a friend. As the business was starting gaining traction, she left for college and soon after she broke up with me. When she left for college I was kind of relieved because of what a handful she'd been to date and I figured the relationship would just peter out and I'd meet other women in NYC. I had even started to get women's phone numbers again in the expectation that I'd be single again soon. I guess I was what you would describe as someone who was "not in touch with his emotions" because much to my surprise about a day after we broke up it suddenly hit me lick a ton of bricks and I found myself suddenly completely devastated. I knew she was crazy and I was crazy and we were bad for each other but losing her absolutely broke me.

At one point not long after she left she wanted to get back together, but I was still too hurt so I got drunk and said some mean shit and that was the end of that. I had relationships with other women, some of them pretty good, and tried to put her out of my mind and focus on the business, but I never really got over her, or at least I never got over the pain of losing her. I had slept with a bunch of women before her without really letting it affect me (partly because I was usually drunk) and I had no idea until then what a broken heart felt like or that it was even possible to feel that much emotional pain. My drinking gradually spiraled out of control, I fucked up what was a once in a lifetime business opportunity and I spent years just being depressed, feeling sorry for myself, and obsessing about having lost her.

After I got sober I gradually started to rebuild my life. I learned to let go of a lot of shit in AA and I got a series of increasingly better jobs as I learned how to be, or at least act like, a relatively normal human being and channel my talents productively. I met people who were smart and funny and kind and also alcoholics like me and made real human connections with them. I heard people who were incredibly successful in life, even a few celebrities, share stories that made mine seem like a walk in the park, and I finally felt like even with all my shit I wasn't alone and there were other people like me who had come through worse and turned out fine.

As I got my life back together over the years, my former dream girl and I occasionally stayed in touch until she showed up again in her mid-30's and made it clear that she wanted to start dating me again. For better or worse though, too much time had passed. Neither of us was the same person anymore and to be honest her looks were starting to fade. I gave dating her a shot out of curiosity as much as anything else and while I enjoyed the time we spent together and found it sort of healing to see for myself that I'd really gotten over her, my heart wasn't in it. It was also clear that the only reason she had come back was that she wanted to settle down and have a kid with someone. She made comments about things like all the various irresponsible men who'd let her down and how she just didn't understand these rich older guys she knew who only dated women in their 20's. I wasn't gonna be the last resort guy she'd finally settle down with after she'd spent all those years fucking other men. Truth be told I could barely even conjure up the enthusiasm to have sex with her and we broke up again after a few months.

My suspicions about her were confirmed when I ran into her six months or a year later and saw she was pregnant. I don't know if she knew the donor or went to a sperm bank or what but I guess she had decided to give up on men and become a single mother. I was completely unsurprised by this and felt like I had dodged a bullet. I haven't been in touch with her since then but from what I've occasionally heard she's unsurprisingly still single.

Since then I've dated here and there but it's mostly been with women who've drifted into my orbit through AA or my social circle. I've mostly focused on work and I think on some level I just sort of gave up on finding a woman that would excite me. I've procrastinated and made excuses. I don't know where the hell the time has gone but I'm in my forties now and for whatever reason after barely giving this girl a thought for almost ten years a lot of the old feelings of loss and rejection she left me with the first time we broke up have come flooding back. Maybe it's just because I'm facing my mortality and it's normal for regrets to surface at times like that.

What's hit me hard the past few days is that I can't go on like this. I make a good living at a job I mostly enjoy and am pretty good at, and because of a very lucky investment I made years ago I was able to buy a very nice apartment in Manhattan, but my life is dull and my sex life is either boring or nonexistent. It's too easy to just be comfortable and safe and hold hands and talk about spirituality with my AA friends, but it's not enough. While I healed a lot in AA, I've realized that I've internalized some terrible advice, or at least advice that's probably good for people who are in their first year or two of sobriety but not so much after a decade or two. I've used slogans about letting go and turning things over to a higher power as an excuse to be passive and take the path of least resistance. I think on some level what's also held me back is that I've always been afraid that nothing else I'll ever experience in a relationship will measure up to the intensity of what I felt with that girl or that I'll get hurt again the way I was when we were kids and it's just been easier to give up and not try.

I'm determined to try though. I've started going back to the gym again, I've cut out all junk food and processed sugar and started to upgrade my wardrobe again. I'm regretful of all the time I've wasted but I'm absolutely fucking determined to stop making excuses, stop feeling sorry for myself and make the most of what I've got.

Sorry if this bored the shit out of anyone but I really needed to unload it and I have no idea where else I would do so. Thanks.