Nothing seems new, excited or novel anymore. I never had to open my eyes so much to see underlying ways of how we people function, i had that deep understanding within me since i was a child. Looking my family and how fucked up we are was more then enough for me

Honestly what i want out of life the most is to compensate for the lost time since i discovered self improvement to this day and how much i didn’t make any progress in areas i wanted to in first place – getting girls and having sex, improving my life, confidence, charisma, inner lackings, money, overall making my life worth living to myself only. I’m not satisfied and happy where i am for years

I think i made myself desentizied to those thoughts and all the talk about it so much that it doesn’t server me now at all, basically it can’t motivate me at all. No reading, no spending time here, no taking some work, action, nothing clicks me, everything is blah. I’ve never experienced rage and fire in myself, i’m really stuck and trying to unfuck myself

I’m battling with all these goals for 7 years, half of it was when i was depressed and other half friendless and alone in absolute mess and hell of mental state. Trust me, never using that as an excuse, i’m just ashamed to admit everything of it

Just few days ago i finally got it how thinking of myself, best version of myself of how just thoughts of me doing something or lacking something evict horrible emotions inside me - something like anxiety, depression and that persistent resistance that keeps sure i never do anything worth. Just a thought that enters my mind when i exit that bus and start walking in main streets wanting to approach, man, like dread, awfull feeling.

Is it my shadow somehow telling me something, what is it happening actually? That ‘best’ me, who is it now?

I’m even avoiding keeping myself in check how short my life is and how much i don’t live the life i intended to, sort to motivate myself and to shake myself up but every time it turns out opposite, i can’t motivate myself with the thought of dying anytime with not experiencing my life and doing whatever i wanted until then, it’s really sad

I would like to have memories associated with days of periods of my life, with people around me, with music, smells, events, experiences of life, girls chasing me, sending me nudes, sending me videos, having sex, why is that so far away from me and i have none of those to talk about.

Trust me, in my worst dreams i couldn’t imagine i would piss 7 years of my life(19 i got here, 17 with self improvement and now 24), with one sexual intercourse. I did nothing and made no progress and my life is the same. Man, where i could be and how awesome i could turn to if i did something for this years, massive amount of action until i piss and shit myself, then vomit it out to. I would laugh back then how pathetic someone is to be 20+ unexperienced, and here we are now, i can’t believe it’s all truth, i let that happen, conciously! It triggers me how people are successful on subs and forums i check up to, i don’t know how to unstuck now. Everything i do doesn’t get me feedback feels of ‘this is right thing, do it again and as much as you can’.

What would you say, can you relate, what i’m doing wrong, what to start and what to stop. I want to check in in few weeks/months to report where am