I write this for my own sanity to understand the issues; my motivation is for people to post corrections and additions. I've gotten some great information & am trying to make it more coherent.

  1. Psychology/instincts
  2. Social/legal structures & context
  3. TRP theory & dogma
  4. Other considerations
  5. TL;DR
  6. Actionable items (all that matters)

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1) Psychology/instincts (context)

Human instinct is governed by evolution, just like animals, meaning the behaviors that helped pass on the genes (generate more grand-kids) gets passed on. Sexual & romantic behaviors have especially strong & well developed instincts (ignoring changes since medieval times). Instincts for men and women are different. Personally I don't buy the idea women want the best genes - but the best provider/mate for who'll best provide for her (& the kids - so they don't starve) was highly relevant. Long ago no provider/income = slow starvation. Long ago women (necessarily) had to take care of the kids & men provide (work/hunt/farm). Women's "value" was sex & taking care of the family/kids**,** and they seek extensively emotional connection (romance/relationships). Men's value was as a provider (money/income) and we want sex (committed or not). Don't believe me, look at what each gender are afraid to give up and try protect most when relationships start to fail. Human instincts here are also understood impressively poorly.

Men's & women's long term partner's are generally speaking the best possible choice of mates, because well you've already picked and breakups & re-mating comes with risks & problems. ...then again an affair with a hotter younger woman is desirable, but risky. For her it might help her to get impregnated by a desirable man who could provide for the child - should it become needed later.

When a relationship is stable (happy) neither person wants anyone else, and wants endless to practice baby-making with them. While the quality of the marriage (or long term relationship) is great, nobody's cheating. When it is going badly, both people want to cheat. If one person views the other as becoming a poor mate choice, they are willing to cheat (and the relationship health fades). It's normal for the quality of the relationship to change over time, and both people's romantic "value" to the partner to change over time (not necessarily in the same direction). Physical attractiveness is relevant, but relatively small in a long term relationship as vs in courtship. If you do drugs, your wife will leave you (eventually). If you become world famous, she'll fight to keep you when you don't care. Read: the self improvement and relationship building/recovering stuff is valid.

You probably cannot successfully fight these instincts (and may not even recognize it). However you can (and should!) deal with the underlying causes - ie. emotional distance from living in the next country for a year is bad for your long term finances.

  1. Generally speaking, men & women want their partner when their relationship is healthy without cheating.
  2. When a relationship is sick, people lose interest in their partner and are emotionally able to (possibly) start short & long term relationships (afairs/flings) with others.
  3. People are not consciously aware of the health of their relationship without somehow evaluating it.
  4. Instincts don't assure we do the things to keep a relationship healthy (or fix it when it falters, IDK why).
  5. A breakup involves anger and hostility to the other partner.
    1. There's a short window of cooperation & goodwill following a breakup of 1-3 days before this starts -use it if needed!.
    2. We rewrite emotional history - THEY WERE NEVER GOOD FOR ME!! (Why did you marry him/her then??)
    3. This is why there's so much fighting in divorces, & part of why divorces are both slow & expensive.
    4. This fades as emotional wounds heal (if they heal).
  6. Women instinctively gravitate towards taking care of kids & have stronger instincts of cleanliness- think traditional (sexist) gender roles.
  7. Men instinctively gravitate to careers, social status, & wealth ( how much we do it depends on ambition & other factors) - also think traditional (sexist) gender roles.

2) Social/legal structures & context

If you are reading this you're probably very aware of feminism & social structures that are pro-women. We do live in a feminist society. Who cares? Fighting it in any context isn't pragmatic! So let me try to draw out some of why & how.

Warning: this will probably infuriate most red-piller's. I'm NOT saying I agree, or it's right, only describing it. Again, just trying to be pragmatic & fact based.

Child custody/child support is pro-women:

As red-pillers we are upset men don't get the same child custody (time, decision power) as women. I have full custody of my kids - most men, once time has passed from the divorce, don't want all of their time with the kids. I've heard from more women than I can count (the majority - and I have asked many) that their kid's dad refuses to take the kids much of the time he's supposed to have them. Women instinctively want to care for the kids (more) than men and will fight for this more if challenged. As men we also don't want to PAY the child support, so in divorce proceedings we fight for more time than we want and get more favorable child support. (A very pragmatic and helpful error). Again, no judgement, but it usually happens and the courts know it.

Child support: It's very expensive to raise kids, extra bedrooms, food, cloths, daycare, etc, etc - more than we think. However the percent of income allocated to this is fairly high, for those with higher incomes. I assure you as a low income chick my ex-wife my ex doesn't pay much in child support.

Alimony:

So if there was an "agreement" where the woman didn't work and the man did, especially over a long time period, the woman's at a serious financial disadvantage. She's not developed a career, her contributions to the family are entirely/mostly non-financial. If she works part time or intermittently, this is only partly true. I've read that alimony tends to be relatively short time frames (by comparison to the marriage) and relatively small dollars (by comparison to say child support or the earner's income). It's a way to make the divorce less-problematic for a woman who's ill-equipped to earn her salary.

The problem is with changes in the sexism spectrum from: traditional/"sexist" <--> feminism/equality (equal gender roles). With traditional gender roles it made sense when the laws were drafted decades ago (there was no concept of feminism or "equality"). It also makes sense for those couples who live that way today. Under the feminist equality paradigm there should be no alimony needed, even for those who have no career prospects post-divorce. Same for not being able/willing to have your kid 50% of the time.

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Home ownership:

Men tend to move out, women tend to keep the residence. I assume human instinct, though I don't understand what the instinct is. Given that your income, expenses & assets all change in very unfavorable ways and the court splits the equity of the house this is probably pro-men.

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Divorce costs:

Attorneys are absurdly expensive ($10-20k+). I got a divorce without them (and wish'd I'd not) and found it very difficult. There isn't much for options around this (despite the mediator's & such the internet assures you are there - I wasn't able to find any alternative).

Property split:

I don't really understand how this is split, other than variations of "fair" (not necessarily equal) and "equal" seem to be the norm. I got divorced and stuck to what I verbally agreed to her in the beginning - very, very unfair against me! I think as men we want to keep all of it, except living in the house and the "small" possessions, furniture, etc. While that's unreasonable, that's also the biggest threat to our finances next to child support.

Increase in wealth, long term growth of investments that were the result of one person (presumably the guy) may get split 50/50. Assets pre-marriage probably don't, but if it's a long time the growth may be more significant than the assets.

<divorce rape rant omitted - let's be both pragmatic and clear about what it really is>

Other:

We assert pro-women divorces, ignoring child support and alimony, what's left in the unfairness section? I'm skeptical this list is complete.

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3) other considerations:

Being in a long term relationship may free (or encourage) us to spend more time & energy earning more money. I have many times noted that I've put less energy into investments than I would have had I had a stable girlfriend or wife. Having someone to do some of the work for the kids (esp. when they were younger) would have also freed up time & energy for career & investments. All of which would have been indirect improvements to my assets (which would presumably be split between us if we divorce). However on the other hand if I'm taking steps to increase my (long term-life long) investments while she's spending all of her money makes splitting assets equally very unfair.

Many of us will disagree, but I think there's value in a (semi-)permanent relationship. My Dad has had two wives, and a new girlfriend every other year for quite a while. I don't want to repeat that and I'm pretty sure many others feel the same. A variety of women is fun, but I think we can get a higher quality of woman with an LTR than we can get as just a plate. (esp. consistently get.) Maybe that's still blue-pill thinking, IDK. 'Go-improve yourself, lift, & become alpha' improves both short & long term prospects right?!

Taken to the extreme, non-commitment is also problematic: unable to love openly and freely.

Many of the men in this subreddit are here to deal with pain of divorce/breakups, etc which makes them hostile to women & marriage (or scared of it).

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3) TRP theory & dogma

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Others can describe this better than me, but here's a start:

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  • Don't get married - risks of divorce are greater than the value of marriage.
  • The divorce courts are anti-men in many ways
  • Most divorces are initiated by women (fact check puts it at 70-80%)
  • Go to the gym, take care of yourself, & have your shit together so you are desired.
  • Deal with your marriage & relationship issues as a man, red pill style, so you don't get divorced at all
  • The only way to guarantee no divorce is to not get married (this document isn't about guarantees).

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4) TL;DR

Men & women have very strong instincts around relationships & when to breakup. Breakups/divorce won't happen unless those instincts permit it. Divorces are expensive & suck. Courts let women have disproportionate child custody and child support. Sometimes alimony too. Divorce attorney's are expensive. We'd rather not split our property (some of which are her/combined assets). We might split assets that only exist because we (men) made sure we had assets to split.

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  1. Actionable items:

This is really the only section that matters the rest are just there to help get to this.

  1. Prenup
  2. Premarital counseling
  3. Refuse to marry (may limit ability to keep a high quality mate.)
  4. Vet her well
  5. Keep yourself a high value man
    1. stay vaguely in shape/go to the gym & eat sensibly
    2. don't be lazy
    3. establish & stick to boundaries
    4. have & work on your own goals
  6. <insert list of how to manage a divorce well here - out of scope>

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...I appreciate and look forward to your corrections & additions (especially to #5 - actionable items). Feel free to vent about how terrible & risk marriage is, but unless it's pragmatic I'll ignore it...