What led me to TRP was/is an active case of oneitis. In essence, I’m a dude that does not know how to swim, taking swimming lessons while on the Titanic just as the ship is about to split in half.
This point of this post is for other noobs like me to learn valuable lessons from my in field mistakes. It may also have some useful lessons/ refreshers for the more advance players. I made about every mistake there is in the book, and WILL not make them again.
My background:
Decent looking dude with direction, but a complete beta/nice guy.
Reading “No More Mr Nice Guy “ by Robert A. Glover while this case of oneitis was unfolding changed me. Helped me see my flaws and opened me up to the mentality of an alpha.
As for dealign with girls, I don’t have much experience. I’m in my early 20s and have had two serious relationships. I am a relationship dude, not about hook ups/ partying by nature. Few girls in college that I fell for in college, but being a beta, I never made a move on them. Got to know them, exchanged numbers, hung out a bit, etc. Drifted into the friend zone. Basic beta nonsense.
One of my problems was/is that I held myself to really high standards in the sense of the girls that I would pursue. I am picky with the girls I’m attracted to, but now realize that practice is the key so that you know which cards to play when do find a girl you are truly interested in.
Background on the situation:
Met this girl in a club 3 months ago, direct opened her, pulled her away from her friends, connected with her, set up the date, THEN got her number. Came naturally with no prior knowledge of game/pickup/TRP. She even said she really like how I approached the situation while we were talking. Said it was very bold. Very receptive to everything.The old beta version of me was surprised by how well it went.
Called 2 days later to work out logistics, had a light fun light-hearted conversation, employed some anchors (without realizing it), and finalized the date setup. She seemed very excited. We went out on a date and that’s when I started fuck it up.
Background on the girl:
This girl had a lot of the qualities that I look for in a girl.
Attractive, self-respecting, classy, intelligent (a med student), raised in a respectful household, a non-drinker (I don’t drink), religious, fun but conservative, a good girl, etc.
She is a sheltered girl: She is a low self-esteem girl in the sense that she doesn’t believe in herself and her abilities succeed. The kind of person that lets fear consume them. A "yes-man” type, easily influenced. These things should have worked to my advantage, but I fucked that up.
These are all things that I look for in a girl. The closest a girl that I’ve ran into in terms of meeting my dream girl.
The date (where I started to screw up):
Took her to an art museum, followed by dinner. I know a lot about art and was thinking that my knowledge about art would impress her.
This is when the beta/idiot in me me started screwing up. Here are the things that I did wrong, i.e. what not to do.
High pressure date:-----first dates are supposed to be low pressure. Taking her to an art museum to impress her was a high risk thing to do. Instead of having her validate herself to me, i set it up so that I would be validating myself to her the entire time.
Very long date:----- The tour/walking around/ dinner lasted about five/six hours (didn’t intend for it to be that long)
Too much planning/ showed too much interest. :-----Gave her 3 options on possible date ideas instead of taking FULL control. Planned a lot for the date and made it known too. Showing that I was highly interest in trying to impress her. Even told her “That I have a good impression to make” In a complimentary way, she said it looks like I put a lot of thought into the date. Subconscious translation = "You don’t seem like you do this often and put in a lot of effort to impress me, making me the prize you are chasing after."
Talked too much :----- Set myself for failure with this one since I took her to an Art museum to impress her with my knowledge of art. Probably came off as a show off. She even yawned when she though I wasn’t looking. Despite her saying that she was interested in art, she seemed quite disinterested while we were there. Women will say things and believe things that they don’t mean (i.e, "I like art” in this case). I did about 80% of the talking.
Talked to much about myself. Didn’t learn much about her. The whole goal of a date should be to connect with her. It’s all about her. She should do the majority of the talking because people’s favorite thing to talk about is themselves. Build a common understanding. Make it seem like you are the soulmate that she has been looking for by building a connection with her i.e. get her to the hook point. From there you can start backing away and letting her do the chasing. Getting her to the hook point gives you the key to get what you want from her (sex, LTR, etc.)
I became an open book, taking away the mystery. Women love challenges, don’t take that away by revealing everything to her.
Subconsciously I was training her not to talk. By constantly talking, not get getting her too engaged, I was subconsciously training her not to talk.
Question…question…question:-----
Asked to many questions, made it feel like a job interview.
Yes ask questions, but add value to her response before asking the next question. That is the way to get her closer to the hook point. Adding value to her responses to help build that rapport and connection.
Keep an ear for the things that she’s truly interested in vs the things that she says/thinks she is interested in. You can tell by her tonality, her expressiveness, her body language, facial expressions, etc. Talk about the things that she’s truly interested in instead of asking follow up questions about things she’s not really interested in.
Became a people pleaser.:-----
Again me trying to validate myself. Put her on a pedestal. Only thing she could do was look down on me.
Ex. Her: I like Starbucks. Me: Okay, lets stop what we’re doing and get you some Starbucks.
Was willing to put everything on hold to please her. TO be the nice guy. Different from every other guy. Would go out of my way to open doors for her. Offered her my jacket. Even pulled her chair out before she sat down (WTFFFFF was I thinking????) S he said that I was different then other guys. Which at the time I took as a compliment and respond by saying “Well I’m a different type of dude”. She said it in a complimentary way. Nothing she said was taunting/bitchy. But looking back at it now she was subconsciously saying “You’re a pussy, not a man”.
Didn’t escalate physically:-----
Nothing beyond her grabbing my arm, holding hands, and an awkward hug in the begging/end of the date.
Got caught being a gentleman with this unexperienced girl (she comes from a strict family, never had a BF, etc.). Failing to realize that all women are the same and have instinctual sexual desires.
She’s not the type to give up a kiss on the first date, but I could have escalated more. Could have used eye contact more to seduce her.
Brought up future date ideas, places to go, things to do, etc.
Showed that my interest was too high. Definitely higher than hers since she didn’t mention much about the future.
Shows that I was already committed to her. Took away the challenge. A LTR should be something that women have to work for. It should be a challenge for them to get an Alpha male with options to settle down. Don’t just give that to them. IT shows them you are not really a catch. You go out handing LTRs a girl on a first date and your still single = you're not a catch. Show that women want to be with you, show you are a catch, but are not willing to be caught.
She had poor body language in the beginning.:-----
In the beginning, she was pretty distant, seemed a bit uninterested, Had her arms folder. Unreceptive body language. However, her body language was much more open toward the second half of the date.
In summary I portrayed myself as having low SMV. Showed that I was weak, beta, inexperienced, and not a catch. Now the date wasn’t a disaster. There were lots of things that went really well too. Mentioning those things won’t be of much use to serve the purpose of this post.
Post-date to Now (Where I continue screwing up)
Despite my screw-ups we chatted on the phone for an hour or so that same night. Maybe my cologne worked its wonders, i didn’t screw up as bad as I think I did, or she was just inexperienced. Probably a bit of all three. Following that date, we non-sense texted back and forth (keeping it light), a few phone conversations here and there. Problem was setting up the next date.
I tried but she had other legitimate stuff going on that kept her from settling on a second date. She has legit reason (she became ill and sounded pretty ill - i’m pretty sure it wasn’t a lie), but if Brad Pitt were to ask her out, I’m sure things would work out just fine. I became a bit too pushy for this date.
Then we went back to school and she had a mini career crisis. I asked her out agin, but she said she can’t. Again legitimate reason (won’t discuss here) but if Clooney asked her out, I’m sure she’d be fine. This time i was very very pushy to get her to go out.
Few days later, I called her one night and she never called back (unusual for her as unto this point she was pretty good with returning calls/texts). Also during this “crisis” of her’s she “turned off her phone” for a few days because her friends kept on bothering here and she needed to get a few things in her life in order. A huge red flag. Hinting her disinterest.
Beta me was dying on the inside, wondering what happen to this girl. I was ready to file a missing persons report. Thankfully, I held out for a few days, didn’t text or call her. She texted me 4 days after I called explaining what happened. I played it off cool and didn’t make it an issue. Wasn’t pushy about it. But where I screwed up was that I became Mr.KnowItAll,took up the role of Dr.Phil, and became a life counselor. Instead of listening to her problems, I kept on giving her advice on how to fix her problems. After this she went cold again with her shutting off her phone for a few days, but this time she told me she was going to do that.
Since then I have asked her out 3/4 times over the span of 2 months maybe. Each time she said she can’t without offering an alternative. Her excuses have been an exams or friend’s birthday party. One of the times she had told me that she was going to check her exam schedule and get back to me a few days later, but never got back to me. I didn’t bring it up in any of our conversations after that and just left it alone. Since then, I have limited the contact. I called her twice over 4 weeks, but she never got back. She responded to a few text but her responses became less engaging (non-open ended responses). No double text on my part though. I haven’t lashed out or said anything about her lack of interest to show neediness.
However, I think I showed her my neediness by pushing her too much to hang out in the beginning. I think that was my main problem. Pushing her too much in the beginning, showed her that I valued her too much and didn’t have much else going on.
As on now, i’ve limited the contact. Was really occupied with school for the past 3/4 weeks, which is when I discovered TRP. Kind of gone the route of the “going dark” approach. But it hasn’t raised her interest because I think it only works if the girl is emotionally hooked to you. I think I broke that away by being too needy trying to get the second date early on. What to do now?
To serve the purpose of this thread, i’m going to make a list of other mistakes that I made, i.e., things not to do:
Being needy/ desperate/ Oneitis
I pushed for the dates too much. When she said she couldn’t, I kept on pressing. The most unattractive thing to a female. It shows that you have low SMV. Shows no one else wants you that is why you are trying to get this one girl to be with you. No one wants a beta, everyone wants an alpha. Shows that you are weak. Again, an alpha is in high demand, doesn’t need to be needy. He isn’t desperate for the attention of any woman. Women are desperate for his attention.
Set-up times for talking on the phone
Would set up a time with her to talk on the phone.
ex. "Lets talk tonight, how about 11:15?"
Actually not sure if this type of thing is good or bad. Does it show that I am busy? Shows I am needy? Shows that I don’t have enough confidence that she won’t pick up unless I give her a designated to to caller her?
It worked okay in the beginning when she was compliant. The last few times I have tried, it has backfired. She says that she can’t because of X and doesn’t offer a counter.
Established disrespectful communication pattern
Text went from open-ended to close ended text.
Made it okay for her to not call me back, because she know that I will call/text her back eventually.
Initiation
I initiation all the communication -> Needy. Never got her hooked because i was too busy talking about myself in the early stages.
Texting too much
Texting should be only for setting up dates. A little texting back and forth is okay especially if you don’t get to meet that often. I texted a lot of nonsense back and forth in attempts to be an interesting guy. Tried to connect with her, tried to impress her. Thinking that texting all day/every day will help us connect. Not realizing the value of mystery and scarcity.
Kept trying to validate myself to her/ Oneitis
Talking more about myself trying to find ways to impress. Impress through actions, not words
I fucked up. This girl was LTR material. That is what led me to TRP. I’m changing my ways as we speak. Been trying to put this girl on the back burner, have done so mentally, but not emotionally yet. Not trying to advertise, but i've also started another post on askTRP. Has useful info on how to deal with this. Just search "Reconnect with uninterested/indifferent gril?” [Yes I spelt it gril] or click on my username
I’m ready to move on, but am looking for the proper hail mary play because I have nothing to lose. I move one, I won’t get the girl. If I take a shot and miss, I won’t get the girl, but there is a small possibility that I might hit my target. Not going to be a beta orbiter looming around her, but I want to take one final shot.
With that, I’ve taken the pill and am evolving each and everyday. I will continue to learn, better myself as a man, and enjoy the process.
