Just looking for basic input; hoping I’m on the right path here. I’ll try to keep this short... (edit) or at least organized, as my hamster is dying anyway with each day and original programming seems to be rebooting.

-22 yrs. 5’ 7” with been told attractive face. Average ass build. (For now)

-Ended 2 year live-in LTR by self-sabotaging frame with lazy harpy. Dumped her, had mental breakdown, went back like a moron because I’m an oxytocin addict who became beta and I hated moving back with my parents. LTR died within two weeks, kind of glad the bitch is gone so I can confront my issues, despite how painful the experience has been. (Optimism about long term outcome to keep going)

-Keep telling myself I’m over it because denial. Actually currently going through 7 stages of grief; depression phase finally kicked in and slowly becoming more accepting of a (hopefully short) monk phase. Finally got lashing out/vengeful behaviors from anger phase (was saying some ugly shit + sending her own nasty nudes back to her, something I wish I didn’t do) under control after embarrassing attempt to bargain/provide closure. (Another loser beta phase, yeah, however ex at least doesn’t feel threatened by me anymore so I can hopefully move on without repercussions to my stupid cunty behavior) Finally blocked ex on snap and changed phone number.

-Plate communication: One plate I’m actively fucking whenever we meet, (I haven’t been finishing with her lately though and her voice + behavior is relatively annoying, despite being more physically attractive than ex) one ex-plate/mistress (also in LTR, but clear she doesn’t respect the man lol) who seems to think I’m some orbiter. Smacked her ass last time I saw her/kino’d to imply what’s up and been ignoring her snaps for the most part. Would like to glaze a bitch’s face again some time, however, half-tempted to just block both of these hoes. *Both plates were acquired while in LTR, due to early realization of shitty LTRs behavior and expectation that the LTR would eventually die soon.

-Deleted all Facebook accounts, finally. Aside from texting the bros here and there, going to die down the social networking while I re-invent myself. *How often should I communicate with plate(s) to keep around for the occasionally lay? Also need to establish fuck with ex-mistress or just drop the hoe.

-Working on getting driver’s license/insurance to apply for rideshare driver job. (See my post history) Have gotten my sister to agree to let me use her car, a Nissan Sentra that I just LOVE the handling of, for this. Money (wardrobe needs update) and game. Driving is one of my favorite pastimes as well, especially with the Texas speed limits.

-Discovered I love writing songs and playing guitar at beginning of year. Family seems to think I have a talent for this. Have been pursuing this heavily since breakup.

-Applied for community college. Hoping to slay and develop abundance mentality. Would not mind another LTR eventually after binge for experience.

-Looking to start lifting in college. Currently inflicted with inguinal hernia, however, have test-lifted by performing squats with weights. Didn’t even remotely hurt, hernia not as bad as previously thought. Currently had chart created at doc, will set up surgery but lack of actual severity + shit tests has lowered it as priority. That, and current mental health is probably a greater risk to health due to maladaptive self-destructive coping mechanisms. (See “The Bad” below) *Parents constantly shit testing me due to hernia “Need to get surgery done before doing anything else” and use as excuse to procrastinate development in literally EVERYTHING else. (Sister was for a while, but ceased) Bottled depression + anger from breakup currently being fired back, as every time I hear this load of crock I get viciously snappy at whoever states it. Have also directly stated multiple times it is not an immediate priority, and that my top priority is getting license/insurance.

The Good:

-Quit smoking weed and drinking. Mostly due to lack of access, however I’m not going to go out of my way to acquire more. I abhor most anything technology related: No Facebook, no video games, nada.

The Bad:

-Nicotine addict. Mostly vaping, but bad/agitated mental episodes see me relapsing to cigarettes. Would like to quit, or at least heavily reduce use. Considering downgrades to wean, and reduce use to very occasional use, such as work breaks.

-Nasty mental episodes. Get weird sick feeling. Sometimes having bad mental episodes where disassociation/hyper emotional breakdown resorts to self-mutilation (cutting) to come back to grounded reality. Most likely my most immediate problem. (Thus the Lifestyle vs Hernia shit wars with my folks) Have found that stealing/joyriding sister’s or parents’ car has the same grounding effect without the destructive behavior. (Wanting to drive for Lyft/Uber basically seems to be killing 3 birds with 1 stone) Most likely due to past traumas, genetic temperament, bottled stress, and current living situation that I have no current control over failing to provide freedom or access to healthy coping mechanisms. No money for therapy, nor do I believe it will do anything, really. Have gone years without relapsing simply by making better lifestyle changes during those times; attempting to re-establish better lifestyle.

-Parents suck. Most likely NParents; I’m pretty sure my sister posts on that subreddit. Constant shit testing, and neglected us in adolescence. Learned to drive from fucking girls with cars; taught sister basics before she started stealing parents’ cars to practice.

Long term goals: - Become musician. Would love to preform traveling gigs, if to at least just go between bars throughout the region or beyond.

  • Would like to acquire piloting license and/or engineering degree as backup careers. Principally, I value Lifestyle over Money, however I understand money is access. If music can keep me independent, I’d be satisfied.

  • Y’all motherfuckers will say to lift, so no need to point out the obvious “get in shape.” Not putting too much emphasis on working out beyond boxing right now; planning to get more serious about it after school starts and I can go to campus gym. Mobile freedom and income foundation is primary priority.

  • Would like to have kids some day wayyyy down the road. Had the thought earlier that really it’s the woman that not only makes the babies, but also pursues the LTR to provide for the kids. So, basically, becoming and staying a high value man, this shit will naturally happen/progress on its own, no? Not sure why I didn’t realize this earlier. Basically, just going to act commitment-phobic to work on myself and let this shit naturally happen as I secretly hide my enjoyment for LTRs until I find a girl with proper green flags. (High value + commitment-phobic = Bitches chasing, correct?)