I'm already pretty shaky but man I didn't expect to meet a girl like her who liked me. Soft spoken and feminine looks, demeanour. The first thing she did when she saw me coming to talk the guy they were helping out was reach out and hold my hands. I literally was stunned.

Look, I get it, she was horny and I fit the bill. We talked for an hour but I figure she might have had a bit too much than normal for her. She wasn't overly horny. She was just casual. But I liked her so much lol.

We went back and forth between my place and hers. Mine was locked, no entry for visitors passed 12. And she lost her key or gave it to a friend. But finally the friends came and, tired of this endless walking, though I thoroughly enjoyed the talking, I didn't mind letting her go since I had gotten her number.

But the strangest thing happened as I was leaving. She left the car and ran after me and tripped on the floor. I helped her up and she pleaded that she wants me to go with her. I couldn't say no, I guess.

Long story short, we had sex and she cuddled with me afterwards and I don't remember sleeping that great in years. Bear in mind that I had already slept with another girl earlier that day. This just felt infinitely better.

I woke up with the subtle shafts of early morning sunlight planted peacefully on my face and her in her cute pyjamas, lying on her stomach facing me, softly saying wake up. Horrific morning breath on me, I didn't want to speak and she kissed me.

We talked. I don't remember what she said, but I haven't laughed so hysterically in ages. As I was leaving I saw her bookshelf. Some rather uninteresting novels for my taste but I saw a big, beautiful copy of Raymond Chandler's Where I'm Calling From collection. I got excited. I don't think she knew. I borrowed it.

But... Yeah. I left that Sunday morning feeling fulfilled. Like, being so hard on myself all the time, I had finally done something undeniable. With a great girl. She's beautiful, guys. I've slept with my share of girls in my 21 years but I just haven't touched one quite as pretty and complete physically, just the way I like a woman to be.

But I fucked it up 😂. You knew it was coming lol. I guess you could say that it's because I was a one night stand in the first place. I didn't really stand a chance. She might have secretly felt disgusted. Or found out she didn't like me much. But she remembered a lot of was happened the night before. Or maybe it's her friends. They're older, pretty harsh, loud types. Or she just has a boyfriend. Or any other or.

Either way. I'm smitten and I'm ashamed of myself for having feelings at all. I've resorted to not texting her because I fucked up, slipped and sent a text to the tune of "I never really got to know you.." and that fucked it up because she skipped ovr it. But being the dummy I am, I had to send it again a few texts down the line. OMG. She didn't read it again but replied to all the other dumb shit I was saying because I didn't know what to say.

Anyway, this is all so embarrassing. I've been denying it all weekend and week so far. But it's the only way to move past it. Yeah sure she said we'll see each other soon when she's not busy at school and I'm free - but I know that about women: they say things, never mean them.

She's just not into me, I'm sure. I can get girls when I want. I just don't remember liking anybody this much in years since high school. I feel like the main character in one of my favourite all time stories called White Nights, by Dostoevsky. Calling out "Nastenska!" In my quiet, fortified desperation. Cursing the night I met her because I'm weak. Cursing myself above all because I got what I deserved, rejected when I least expected it though I expect it always.