Hey, thanks for clicking.

First: I am not a redpillwoman. I honestly find the whole beta/alpha, pick-up-artistry scene silly. I met my man online and moved over 2000 miles to be with him because he's the nicest person I've ever met. He's not a super-alpha, he cannot provide for me financially 100%, he does not "take care of me", but I'm okay with all that. We're partners.

Now, moving on to the actual issue I'd like advice with! You can skip all of this and just answer the questions at the bottom, and still be very helpful to me!

I am a molestation/rape/emotional abuse victim. The abuse occurred at age 13/14. I've been to therapy and worked through most of the related issues, but one is persistent.

I'm scared of sex.

I want to have sex. I'm horny. But I'm scared of actually becoming that intimate. When my Other Half (henceforth OH) and I first got together, we banged maybe two, three times a day. The newness and exciting-ness was enough for me to overcome my fear. Even though I'd get physically ill (nauseous and lightheaded) and need him to stop touching me for a few minutes, my overwhelming horniness and urge to please this man dominated.

As we settled into a rhythm in our relationship, sex dwindled to once a day, then every other day, and now, once or sometimes twice a week on average. I don't like this, and neither does he.

The particular nature of my abuse had led to me fearing foreplay. When my OH kisses me, I fear that if I kiss back, I have no choice but to eventually consent to sex. Each escalation (touching my boobs or ass, reaching under clothing) cements the "I must consent to sex now" and heightens my anxiety and fear. All too often, my fear causes me to dissociate, and though I was horny when he first kissed me and honestly did want to escalate to sex, I've become so panicked and afraid that I can't bring myself to any more.

I used to ignore this fear/anxiety and have sex when I really didn't want to. It led to feelings of resentment and anger toward my OH. Then we tried a thing where he'd just tell me "I want to fuck you" and I'd undress and we'd go at it, which worked well, but he likes foreplay so that didn't work as a long term solution. For the past few weeks we've been trying a thing where he is not allowed to escalate past kissing. If we're kissing, I can grab him where I want to be grabbed, or move his hand there, but he's not allowed to do it on his own (because that triggers fear). This isn't working very well because I'm pregnant and exhausted and all I want to do 90% of the time is cuddle. I need him to show me I'm wanted in order to "spark" that horniness. About once a week I hit a breaking point and wake him up with fondles and boobs in his face. He's also been doing this thing where he masturbates over/on me, and that gets me horny enough to ask for it roughly 50% of the time.

I spend a lot of time when he's not around horny and thinking about sex with him, but when he's home, I'm content to just cuddle. Then he leaves, and BOOM, horny again. It's a weird cycle and not one I understand.

You can skip to here if you want.

Backstory out of the way, here's my questions for you. How do you feel when you're "not that into it" but your SO is initiating sex? How do you motivate yourself to initiate sex? How do you feel while you are having sex, when you weren't that horny when it started? Do you ever think about other stuff while banging, and if so, how do you handle that cognitive dissonance? Do you fake orgasms, and if so, do you feel like that is harming your SO? If you have sex while you're not terribly into it, and don't fake orgasms, what do you do to make it good for your SO?

Thank you for any help/advice you want to give, or even just for reading!! I really appreciate it.