TL:DR - I'm (39 male) pretty sure I'm not "in love" with my fiance (36 female) and I want to leave. I was very red pill before we met and I've been unhappy since we moved in together and had kids. We're not married, but engaged since 2016.

My dilemma is what about my two young sons what about their life. Is this right thing to do, can i face the guilt? My first son is almost 3 yrs old, and the second is almost 3 months old.

Story:

We matched on Tinder in 2015, argued on whatsapp for 3 months and finally met IRL on a date around Aug 15. I was a player. I had my own two bed flat in the middle of the city, I had my harem of girls and I just fucked a new girl an hour before at my flat before I arrived at my date.

We fucked on the second date. (she had my cock in her hands on the first). Anyway, I mentally added her to my "harem" of girls chasing me for something more that sex, eg a relationship. During the early weeks i got to like her because she was "cool" and one time I was going out on a first date with a air hostess, she asked me what i was up to and i told her (all the girls knew i was a player, that was my message from the beginning). When she found out she sort of "coached" me up until i met the hostess, she was said stuff like "wear black you good in that" and "drink JD as you'll be more fresh on it" (as i was hanging from previous night) and she chatted to me all the way until the hostess arrived and then I turned off my phone and did my thing and took the hostess home and fucked her and kicked her out the next morning. When i turned the phone back there were a few messages from her like "hows the date going" and stuff, and then when i replied she asked me "did i fuck her" and I was like "yeah, that's what i do". Needless to say she was shocked, but wanted me even more.

I slowly started to scale down the girls I had on tap, and started hanging with her more. She had a control over me that was very caring, understanding and sort of mothering that let me grow closer to her. The problem is we drank alot together at her flat Lets just say I never left her flat without a hangover the next day.

In December 2016 I went to Rio on holiday for the first time with the guys. Her and I were "on the verge" of calling us exclusive, I think her more than me, but anyway I left to Rio single, and in her mind we were "going steady". I fucked a hooker in Rio (my friends are a bad influence) when I really didn't want to. I don't like paying for sex. Never needed to. Well honest me, and incredibly high ok coke went and confessed to her that i fucked the hooker. She was not happy.

Anyway i said to her that were not official so she can't come and get pissed off with me. There actually still were a few girls left in my harem that i was seeing on and off weekly before I left for Rio. I think I was going to try give us a go at being steady when i got back, i didn't expect the hooker to happen, or the confession. Anyway, she forgave me (or led me to believe she did) and we went steady over Jan/ Feb 2016 until we hit a bad patch and she "broke" it off with me for the weekend. Well that was a mistake on her part because as soon as she did i just picked up the phone and rang one my girls to come over, and as usual they always did with Wine and food and we fucked. Do not ask me why i'm so honest i just think its best policy, but when she tried to make up again on the Monday I told her directly that as we were single I went and slept with an ex fuck buddy.

That is 3 girls that got in the way, air hostess, the hooker, and one of the ex FBuddies. Well, this girl didn't give up. She cooked me food, got me to come over to hers more and more and well I kinda liked it. We drank as i said before and by May 2016 we agreed to go on holiday as per my suggestion, but at the same time she suggested we have kids to which I agreed to (could see her as a good mother) but I agreed to it under the influence, which bugs me to this day. We went on holiday and fell pregnant, just before we left we secured a deal on a 2 bed flat. I came back from holiday with a pregnant girlfriend and a lease. I wanted to have children so there was no issue at all with that. We moved into the apartment in June 2016.

From matching on Tinder in Jun15, to meeting in Aug15 to moving into a flat together and being pregnant by June 16 was just around 1 year. It was fast. But I was 36 and it felt like the right time to have kids so as I say i went into this committed.

Some women are good when pregnant, some are Satan's spawn. She was the latter. A hormonal c*nt that fucking almost drove me to leave but I didn't, I couldn't. I had to be there for my son. From June 2016 until Feb 2017 when my son was born it was hell living with her. My son was born in Feb 17 and i worked in a small office nearby running my own internet business. Things went very bad for the company by June 17, the company collapsed and I had to close shop and come work from home. With a new baby, a woman i didn't really love, a lease, and 40K worth of debt i hit rock bottom. I started drinking almost 3/4 bottle of whiskey a night. Well one good thing about this is she let me go thru my depression, let me drink as i needed to "get through" things, and took a lot of abuse from me but never left. She could have, and that I commend her for, loyalty like that is hard to find.

There are good things, she cooks like a boss, she cleans the house very well (almost too well) and cares for the children very well. She would give me a hand job when ever i wanted, but sex dried up. Our son got to about 4+ months old and that meant he slept better so that left us time in the evening to drink together - her about a bottle of wine and me a few beers, just enough to be buzzing, but once we ate dinner that would put us to sleep. We drank all the way from Aug17 to May 18 until we had to leave the house as our lease expired. We drank like that every evening because we became drinking buddies (how it felt to me) due to me working from home, and being a stay at home dad, with her. We were in each others faces daily.

We had a miscarriage in June 18 when we moved into this new property. That was not a good time. And we continued to drink every evening as we always did, right up until January 2019 when she fell pregnant with my second son who was born Sep 19. She's kept the house in order, been a stellar house wife, but I've had no life. I've been at home, working a 9-5 Monday to Friday but also being a stay at home dad. I have no friends and I don't do anything on my own because she is jealous and controlling, definitely due to all the women she knows about from the beginning. I let myself go and I go fat due to the self loathing of being "stuck in my self made prison". When she fell pregnant in January i was depressed further, the kid was not planned and I was pretty much getting ready to exit. cause my first son was close to 3 so it would be not too bad to leave at that age. Now i was certainly STUCK. I lost all ambition to care for myself and just drank to a semi drunk state every day, did my day job, did the dad job - all like zombie. I feel like I almost became and alcoholic because of putting myself in this own prison.

She's not touched any drink since Jan2019 since falling pregnant. She would always buy my drinks for me. Which I feel ws her way of keeping me subdued so that I never got up and left. She let me almost destroy myself. I was too weak to leave and not bothered to be healthy because i was fucked no matter which way i saw it. Next 10 -15 yrs of my life would be with her. FUCK.

Two weeks ago i got severely drunk at the local bar, didn't eat dinner and got drinking shots with some dudes. I came home wasted verbally abused her and went to sleep. Next morning she said shes leaving, and i said NO I will leave and I went to a hotel. I came back that night, we forgave and i agreed to go to therapy because i also do have a lot of old family issues I have not mentioned that i thought was leading me to the drinking. I saw the shrink last friday, exactly a week ago today. Something in me changed. I poured out everything and it felt good. I have been to see him now twice and i've not touched booze for almost two weeks. We had an argument right after my first therapy session and she took the kids and went to her folks. This gave me time to think. SOBER.

I have replayed our last 4 years together and i can surely say i am not in love with her. I do love her, shes the mother of my kids and I am sure we can be friends if we co-parent our kids.

This week I told her that we should split. So shes stayed at her folks. She also has asked me to try work it out. I have at this time agreed to give it a go. She's supposed to come back tomorrow with the kids but I fear now I may have made the wrong decision. I am scared to live together, and and fight all the time, and I'm scared of the guilt I have to face regarding my kids seeing me partially if we split. She left her engagement ring here when she left. I think its over in her mind too, but I know she doesn't want to give up, but she also doesn't want that old life for her too. We both don't want it.

I have been off the scene since we met, and coming back to find this subforum has reminded me how Red pill I am that i just can't see myself being a beta dad, at home, with 1 woman, forever. FUCK. Not one day has gone by since she moved out that i want to soin up dating sites and this time really do things "MY WAY".

Its Friday the 13th. I'm sitting here, alone as I've been for the last week, thinking what to do. Text her now and say i made a mistake deciding to get back together and that co-parenting and living separately is the best option. I guess I can try be a sober, awesome dad "with her" for my kids sake. I don't want to drink when she is not around, is that normal?

The story is longer but I need to cut it here. For now I'm at a cross roads and I don't know what path to take, even though leaning to being single and free and happy is pulling me harder, but is that being selfish to my kids?

FML.