Poor bugger. Let down by multiple women, multiple times.

I expect this will get downvoted into oblivion but I want to share this, and for the last time. Being open about my experience has caused me nothing but pain and loss.

I'm a father and recently divorced, dating again... or was. After a failed loveless marriage was clearly dead end, I took steps to lose weight and get healthy. My love life prior had been sparse and I dated what I could get, including a short empty marriage and a the aforementioned loveless one. I was not longer morbidly obese and for the first time seen as genuinely attractive by a lot of women.

A small piece of background detail, I was physically abused as a child viciously. Yeah, I know a lot of people were. I was also molested by my mother, a very toxic and damaged person. This is also something I won't be sharing again either as most have attacked me over their need to never believe a mother could do such a thing. Obviously, my ability to feel trust and comfortable around women was damaged. This becomes key later.

I dated a lot of women, even went to therapy again. I had a couple short term relationships, and had finally reached a point when I was truly able to open my heart, trust and love freely. I felt strong and secure.

Then I met her.

We had amazing chemistry from the start and kissing her was amazing on our second date. The third date was fun too, and we fooled around a little, but something felt off so not much more. We made plans to meet the next night.

I came over and we talked. I opened up about some of my past issues, hoping that being completely open would ease my own last lingering doubts. She became cold, and tore me apart, emotionally, emasculating and humiliating me until I was to the point of tears. I never felt so small and worthless in my life.

She then climbed on top of me and raped me. I did not consent to it. I said no. She didn't care, I was a piece of meat to her. My body betrayed me and responded, but I was dying inside, repulsed and violated. Afterwards, she was done with me, and I left. I vomited outside of her apartment, went home. I cried that whole night and didn't sleep until dawn.

I reached out to friends, but was thought to be lying, or a loser. A couple of female friends became furious with me as they had really been raped, but men can't be. Obviously I was unstable as why hadn't I enjoyed it? One by one I watched most of my relationships crumble or be damaged. Last night, my best friend and I parted ways. Things haven't been the same since that happened to me, after all I was supposed to be the strong friend she replied on.

Men aren't allowed to be raped or molested and talk about it. We are laughed at and derided. Just stop being a wimp and get over it.

I'm writing this because I'm tired of having to explain myself anymore, having to validate that it really happened to me. I'm tired of the jokes, the loss of respect. I don't date anymore, as I see every woman as another possible predator. I'm also tired of trembling when I hug a new woman for the first time.

It's time to bury this all down deep, along with the heart I feel I can no longer share. I'm just damaged goods now.

EDIT: I really didn't expect anyone to read this. Thank you for the very positive (mostly) responses and messages. Thank you so much for the gold and silver.

I am in therapy and "doing the work". I'm just not going to share this with others. What my mother did was something neither wife could accept, and judging on some comments here and some "lovely" PMs, many can't understand how what happened to to me was possible a few months back.

I looked into prosecution, but despite living in a liberal state, I live in a conservative town, and they would do nothing. She also has a friend on the force. Getting ridiculed by the police isn't going to help me.

I do have an ex girlfriend that is there for me. She is literally the only woman that I can be touched by. She knows and is supportive. It helps on the rare occasions our schedules cooperate. We aren't compatible as partners, but being held sometimes by someone I do trust really helps.

I'm just going it one day at a time, putting on the fake smile and living as best as I can. I'm working to be able to trust again, but it will be a long time.

EDIT 2: I am overwhelmed. My whole life has been rejection and pain, to pull myself up and get knocked down again by this event I wrote about. Thank for the platinum, golds and silvers. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you each and every one of you. I don't feel brave, just honest. Over 5000 people see me, and hundreds have reached out.

Thank you doesn't even cover it. The world feels a little less cold today.

FINAL EDIT (2019-02-19): Thank you for all the support. I wrote this post to just put it out there one last time, and then pretend it never happened and try to move on. I am pleased that it meant so much to so many people, and so many reached out. I'm going to do my best to heal from this and move on in a positive way. I never thought more that 7500 people would care, as I didn't think anyone would, or even see my post.

To answer a couple last questions in comments.

I did freeze, which is why I didn't throw her off. In the back of my head I still had the notion of not wanting to hurt a woman. Obviously, I would have acted differently if I realized what was happening. I was raped. I don't really care if you believe it, but it happened.

Also, to the ugly and hateful comments that have started appearing in my inbox. I couldn't care less about karma or attention. I didn't do this for that. I did that to cry out one last time and then remain silent. I didn't expect this response and it's given me a sense of validation I never expected. I'm sorry that a few of you want me to kill myself and delete this post. I'm sorry that a few of you call me insulting and degrading terms. I have given out all the Reddit coins to people who posted elsewhere for people like me. I'm not letting you bring me down, nor am I deleting this post. I want what I went through to be known for the next guy that has the same thing happen, and all of the wonderful, supportive and even loving comments I received to be shared.

To prove I don't care about my karma, I'm deleting my account, to silence those ugly, cowardly voices that lurk in hateful private messages.

Thank you again, to the vast majority of you. I will never forget how whole and seen you helped a broken man feel.