So I just want to make a simple statement. I can elaborate further.

My parents do not enjoy me. This was made abundantly clear even at like say 6 years old. Apparently my father called me "Rodger Dodger" as a nickname because I always wasn't around, I was with grandparents or aunts or whoever. And I vaguely remember that. I also remember as a child how quickly he resorted to outward distaste on stuff like how I gave away my Monopoly cards to my sister because it meant that I didn't know the value I had in my hands and just gave it away. And like learning coins and notes to count money because "he's not getting it, he will never get it." As a child I felt that written off feeling coming in waves from him. And I remember as a child feeling... Nothing. Didn't even care enough to manifest reactions to his disdain. It just didn't matter.

After my mother divorced him she became an absolute monster. I don't want to waste my time saying anything here, but wow if people knew what a two faced person she was in public and in private ... She would be like Joan Crawford.

But it's fine. When it comes to my mom, I care more about the physical pain she put me through as her punching bag rather than the emotional pain of like "why mommy no luv me? boo hoo"

It's actually of no great importance to me that either one of them might die in like the next 10 years or so. I doubt I would be attending my father's funeral, we might just "forget" it was held is what I'm guessing my family will do. But I might actually stop checking my phone and be like "oh whoops!"

Look I don't mean to sound like an unemotional monster. I care about other people more than my parents - that's weird right? - but also I know I will stop caring about more and more people as time goes on. It feels ... Good. Natural. To me, it's like shedding of the skin as you move into the future.

I've lost friends who no longer liked me because of ideology or our relationship soured. That was a surprise but not really pinprick. I look through my Facebook list now and I'm like "Are all these people really still friends with me??? I can't believe it." I honestly can't. I don't blame people for blocking me, I actually found it interesting who is and is not in my list anymore. People from 10-20 years ago which feels like a lifetime.

And I'm like "Wow really?" I'm honestly surprised. I mean, it's Facebook I know ... But I'm just accustomed to people disappearing it's weird to see they still see the content I post (spiritual stuff). To me, it feels normal that people come, people go, and once they're gone ... Well, back to the drawing board.

I think I make it a habit to shed friends and family as time goes on. I just don't feel ... anything towards it. I barely talk to like 3-4 people now on a bi-monthly basis, in 10-20 years I doubt I'll have them in my life

This is a weird mindset to have in life isn't it? It's actually a relief that I don't have to worry about their opinions or concerns about me once they're out of my life. I think it's because if my parents opinion of me is based on something that can change its perception towards me so easily... Then perhaps I don't know what unconditional love is really?

The only unconditional love I still will have no matter who no matter what no matter when is the first love of my life back when I was 12 who thank god has not blocked me lol