Evil

(Throwaway for obvious reasons)

So I [21M] am kind of a mess. A big mess, actually, with a ton of baggage that I'm really trying to get rid of, but don't know if I ever will.

So to give a bit of background, I was with my ex-gf from the ages of 14-19. Yes, I know it was a high-school puppy love situation but I thought we were both fairly emotionally mature for our age (What do I know though). It became like clockwork after a while. We were seeing each other regularly, and always seemed to be the model couple, compatibility wise. Around the start of my second year of university things began to go downhill. I was studying full time, and she was working full time. Due to it being a time intensive course, I had much less availability to catch up with my girlfriend. I was stressed, but never took it out on her, I think I became more withdrawn instead, so I guess I'm not entirely faultless.

One night, out of the blue, she calls me, in tears, and tells me that she had been exchanging nudes with two of our mutual friends, and talking about having a threesome with them. I knew nothing, and had no clue about this from any of them. Not only did I feel incredibly betrayed, but also left out in an odd way. The fact that I was the only party not involved made me feel incredibly unwanted and undesired, and I think was the root of my self-esteem issues. She apologized, and begged me for another chance. I don't really care for other people's definitions of it, to me she cheated. I should have left her, should have seen the red flags. I didn't. Instead, I gave her a second chance, and cut the other two friends from my life as much as I could.

For a while afterwards, it was like a second honeymoon phase, we both made more effort to see each other and to be ideal partners to each other. She made an extra effort to accommodate to my wants, both in day to day matters, and sexually, and I think that lulled me into a false sense of security. We even talked about moving in together and getting married straight after I graduated university. However, after a while, we began to slip into the same routine, and our problems finally came to a head.

What I was unaware of (again) at the time, was that she had been (at the very least) emotionally cheating on me with a newer friend of mine. We were all members of the same club in university, and she had been attracted to him for at least a few months. Whether she actually acted on that attraction physically or not I don't know (there are conflicting accounts). I only found this out after we broke up. I was tired of being an emotional sponge, and I broke things off with her.

However, after we broke up, she immediately began talking badly about me. Saying I was manupulative, I was over-emotional, even badmouthing me physically (I found out through trusted mutual friends that she had told them 'He has a big dick but doesn't know how to use it). So yeah, more fuel to the self-esteem dumpster fire.

And then she started telling people that I raped her.

The incident in question was after a birthday party. We were both fairly drunk, and she stayed around the night at my place, in separate rooms. After about half an hour or so, she enters my room, slips into my bed, and initiates sex with me. We have sex. I ask her several times 'Is this okay? Are you alright'. Every time she says 'yes'. She is fully lucid the entire time. I'm explaining this detail for detail because I know that I have to, so there's no uncertainty that I did not rape her. I did. Not. Rape. Her.

However, the story she begins telling our mutual friends and acquaintances is that I initiated sex with her, never asked for consent once, and ignored her when she was 'so drunk she was passing out'. This is completely false. She even said that she had fully consented to another set of mutual friends, who (thank god) promised to vouch that she said that if anyone approached them about it. The problem is, in situations like this, where it's a he-said she-said situation, the onus of proving innocence is on the accused. I don't disagree with this. If a friend of mine came to me and said that they'd been raped I'd automatically believe them too. But when you're falsely accused, you can do almost nothing to stop people viewing you as a horrible person.

I lost some friends because of this accusation. I'm sure a lot of the people that she told viewed me in a different light. I became utterly paranoid about who knew, who thought I was a rapist. She even tried to break up a rebound relationship that I had gotten into by telling the other girl her story. Luckily, the new girl saw right through her bs. I don't know why my ex told people this (maybe because she was furious at me for breaking up with her, maybe because she was scared I'd oust her for cheating and it was an attempt to ruin my reputation before I could do so). I was honestly never aware that she could be so destructive and manipulative.

Now, two years on, I'm doing better than I was (therapy helps a lot), but I'm still really scared of trusting people with my emotions, and terrified of investing my feelings into another girl. I've gotten back in shape at the gym (which has at least helped me slightly repair my self-image issues) and have been on a few dates. However, every time things start to gear towards a real relationship, I pull away and cut contact (not literally, I don't actually ghost them). I also still have a lot of issues actually making my feelings clear for girls too. Not only because I feel constantly inadequate, but also because I'm terrified of doing something wrong or being too assertive or aggressive with a girl that I like and solidifying what some people think of me.

I still see my ex on occasion (unfortunately). She's still with the guy she emotionally cheated on me with. I always feel incredibly awkward and anxious when I'm even in the same vicinity as her, and whenever I'm forced to make polite conversation with her, she tends to like to flex her power over me in a sadistic way. For example: There was a new member of the club, who had just arrived to a party, I was simply walking through a room to go grab another drink and my ex happened to be talking to this new member. She asked if we had been introduced and I said that we had. She then pointedly said to her '____ is a good guy. He's just made a few mistakes'. It was like a not so subtle threat that she still could change someone's entire perception of me.

On one hand, I am still terrified of what she might say, and what people might think. On the other, I just want to call her out for lying about this whole thing, reinforce my innocence and ask her how she could try to genuinely ruin my reputation when I had done nothing wrong. However, I think that doing that would only vilify me more. And then there's the dark, petty voice in the back of my mind that reminds me that her new boyfriend doesn't know that she cheated on me, and that I have people who would back up that fact if I told him that. I block that voice out as best as I can, and don't think I'd ever do something so callous.

Anyway, story over. I'm just looking for advice I guess. On... anything to do with this situation really. How to rebuild my confidence, what to remind myself when I think about trusting and letting a romantic relationship properly develop, how to respond to my ex and her threats etc. Therapy is good but I'd like a more opinion based input too.

If you managed to get through my wall of text, thank you. I appreciate that you took the time to read my story, much more than you could know.

TL;DR: My girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me twice, and then talked badly about me when we broke up, including accusing me of raping her. I never raped her. Now, two years down the line, I still have serious self-esteem issues, trouble trusting people and anxiety about approaching girls that I like, and letting relationships develop. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

EDIT: I didn't really think the post would have gained as much traction as it has. Thanks to everyone who responded (sensibly at least). I'll avoid her completely, or at least as much as possible, and call her out if she makes any more comments. I'll also prepare for legal action if it comes to it. I'm not a very assertive person regularly, but now I understand how I will probably be perceived badly either way, and how it's better to strongly insist my innocence.

To clarify; I mention several groups of 'mutual friends in the post. The group of friends she cheated on me with are not the same group who she told I raped her, or who passed on the confession of her lie to me. Sorry, there seemed to be some confusion on that part and I should have been more clear.