Hi everyone,
I'm not really sure if this is the right subreddit to post, but I have no other resources, and if someone can direct me to a better medium, I'd really appreciate it.
My wife and I are both 24. I met my wife three years ago. We were both in college, in the same classes. We were friends throughout the whole year, and naturally over time, we started dating two years ago. I won't really get into details about our relationship before marriage because it's really another story. But to summarize, it was rocky in the beginning, and we were stable, happy, and there for each other as we continued dating.
Our problems began when we got married last year. We both realized we rushed into it. This is partly because she comes from a conservative Asian background, and in her culture, her family would never have been okay with us living together unwed. Earlier last year, we both got a job offer from the government to work in the same location out of state. Because we'd have to work and move in together, she wanted us to sign the papers so she wouldn't lose her family. And I agreed, because I wanted to do it for her.
Looking back at it now, I never should have married her out of pressure, and we should have split there and then. Even at the court date where we signed and had a little ceremony, I felt like deep down this was not for me, and this is too rushed. Ideally, I wanted a traditional wedding, where I would propose with a ring and invite our whole family and friends to the wedding, and not just parents. I'm ashamed because I didn't even tell my friends and cousins that I was getting married.
Ever since we moved in together last year, our relationship has been going down the drain. We started getting into small arguments. Now every argument we have is explosive. How she behaves is so toxic, I can't do it anymore.
I'm still undergoing a background check for a security clearance for the same job we both got hired at, while she's been working there since last summer. Every argument leads her threatening me that she'll tarnish my reputation so I won't get cleared. We have a dog together that she tried to weaponize against me by threatening to rehome her and put up ads on craigslist.
Every other night for the past year, she deprives me of sleep. She screams at my face to not let me fall asleep. She wakes me up in the middle of the night to randomly pick a fight at 2am. She wakes me up by slapping me or poking me and yells at me to get out of the bedroom and go sleep in the couch. Then I'm on the couch, and she comes into the living room to still argue and not let me fall asleep when we both have work in the morning.
She also controls this marriage financially. Because she's making more money than I do at the moment, she constantly holds that over my head. Every week, if we get into a fight, it's always "don't go into the kitchen or fridge and touch my fucking food that I paid for", even though we split costs. I 100% own my car that we share. Yet she grabs the keys every time and controls it and hides it from me. And I can't physically grab them back because I know she'll call the police and tell them I assaulted her.
Most times we fight, and I try to leave our apartment to avoid it getting heated, she physically blocks me from leaving. Again, I can't and am not going to stoop myself to her level by getting physical with her so I can leave.
I still remember one night where kicked me out of the apartment with our dog. I took the car keys with me, and she started pulling and pushing me, almost pushed me down the stairs. The dog ran outside and she didn't care. I got away from her, took the dog, and locked myself in my car. She came down and starting screaming while kicking my car and threatened to call the cops and tell them I was "abusing" her and kidnapped our dog.
And it used to be every time I'd call her parents, even at 2am (which I felt bad for but didn't know what else to do) to get them to try to talk to her and calm her down. I don't do it anymore, because even though her own parents know she's volatile, I don't want to continue calling them to complain and complain. Especially because she gets angry anyways that I woke them up. I also found out a month ago that I potentially have borderline autism that was kept hidden from me. Since then, she always makes all of our arguments look like it stems from me because of autism, and insults me because of it.
My parents want me to leave and come back to live with them. On the other hand, I'm getting interviews for different jobs. I don't know what's going on with my SC investigation, but I feel like if I leave, get divorced, and change my address during my investigation, it'll raise red flags and make them not want to clear me. Which if that happens, I would have lost a great career opportunity.
I don't hate my wife. I try and try to live with her and work it out with her. But at the same time, I don't want to be here anymore. I literally just want to pack my stuff up and fucking go. I fully realize that this isn't the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, and considering we don't have a whole lot to be stressed out about, and we're still fighting, I certainly don't want to bring kids into this.
I'm just afraid that she'll make it hell for me to leave. I'm afraid she'll grab my car keys from me and block me from going again. I'm afraid she'll call the cops and make up bogus abuse claims just like she threatened to do before. I'm afraid she'll make divorce hell for me and drag it out. I honestly don't know where to start or how to make this easier on myself, knowing that I feel trapped.
I know this was a long read, so thank you for reading. If there's someone here who has been in a similar position, please let me know how you dealt with it.
there doesn't seem to be anything here