My wife and I have been together for 5 years. My Stepson (12) had been battling illness for almost his entire life and recently lost his fight. I loved him from the moment I met him and it feels like my world is falling apart. With the costs the last few months of his life adding up I had taken on more hours at work to provide for his needs as well as pay for therapy both for my wife and I to learn how to remain a unit and support each other during this time as well as individually.
My stepson's biological father didn't often see his son nor does he generally get along with my wife, mostly just coming whenever he felt like it and taking him out for a few hours. I disagreed with this, but my stepson loved his father and it wasn't my place to try to separate them so I did my best to just be a good parental figure to him as well. He attended the service and seemed heartbroken. My wife spent a lot of the service with him and they consoled each other, which I do understand the shared connection as parents but it hurt as I'm also struggling greatly and felt like a parent to him as well. I had planned to discuss it with her after the dust cleared, because I wasn't going to prioritize my feelings at such a time.
That chance never came, because a few days after the service my wife had told me her ex wanted to meet up with her to discuss their son's belongings, photo albums, etc. Naturally I had no problem with that, as I had already kept the things that were sentimental to me. Long story short, my wife came back in tears and confessed that while at his place, they slept together and it wasn't planned and begged forgiveness.
I already know I have to leave. My mental health is hanging on by a thread, and the loss of both a child I considered a son and a betrayal by the only person I had to lean on is too much. But I also know that grief makes people to stupid things, and everyone handles things their own way. If I'm in this much pain, I don't know how she copes with how much pain she's in. I know she didn't intend to hurt me, and that she's a good person who was hurting and looking for comfort, so while I know myself enough to know for my own sanity I can't stay in this marriage, I love her enough to want to be a friend and continue to support her emotionally.
My question is people who have left their spouse, especially during difficult times, and remained friends, how did you do it? What steps did you take to end the romantic relationship with no bad blood and transition into a different type of relationship with them? She's extremely vulnerable and feels completely alone, how do I leave someone in that position and tell them I want a divorce while still making it clear I care for them and am willing to be a friend in their time of need? Lastly, if any of you have ever lost a child, how did you start to heal?
TL;DR Lost my stepson to illness. Wife and biological father slept together. Looking to leave on good terms while still being supportive.
there doesn't seem to be anything here