Hey there guys,

I'm at a bit of a crossroads in my life. I'm pretty average looking, nothing special, 5'9", toned while not too big either. I've never been super successful with girls. I had 3 girlfriends total and a couple of flings. It's been quite a while since I've last been with a woman, about 5 years to be exact. I have total disdain/hatred/disgust for my mother and I'm waiting to see if I get an offer from a company in upstate New York to move out and hopefully be on my own. To me, moving out will be my right of passage as a man, as I've never been on my own for longer than 2 weeks.

I have extremely bad views on women, to the point of pure hatred. I'll be honest, it has consumed me from the inside out. I find myself thinking about women all the time, I want to get laid, but I can't overcome my sheer hatred for them and their nature. On one hand I want nothing to do them, on the other I'd love to have a wife and a family. This paradox in my mind is driving me insane guys. I'm not sure where to go, or what to do at this point. The thought of spending the next 50 years of my life living alone in some house with maybe only a dog for company scares the shit out of me. Mostly because I've never had many friends at all in my life. In fact I only have 1 good friend, the rest are simply familiar faces I see very seldom.

I spend 90% of my time alone locked in my room. Usually I'm programming for fun, reading, or making music. But the solitude is getting to me. My mother is driving me to the brink of suicide because I can't do anything about the situation. She constantly calls me a failure, mocks me, puts me down and nags me. I have a good job I'd say and am moving forward in life, but its so hard to believe in myself these days. My father refuses to do anything about it either, something about until deaths do us part. I think about hurting my mother all the time, I want her to feel the pain she has caused me.

I don't trust women at all. Every time I interact with one, it feels like Im starring into the soul of satan. I am not exaggerating at all when I say this.

I don't know what to do guys. I feel stuck, and I can't let go. Some days it feels like the only way to be free is to put a bullet in my head. I can't stand this world anymore; the double standards, the corruption and all the pain I see everywhere around me.

How do I unfuck my head and stop all these thoughts? How do I let go and enjoy my life for fucking once? I have every material thing I could ever want, but it's still not enough to stop this pressure on my head.

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