Apologies for bad English, it's my third language.

How do I stop thinking about relationships?

I hate being alone.

I've been alone for a looooong time, I've never been in a proper full on relationship and each time I've been close, she closes the door on me in incredibly selfish ways.

Even when it comes to having friendly relations, most (re:95%) of people aren't even willing to talk to me.

Some background.

I'm an extremely nice person, not because I'm a white knight or anything. But because it's part of my culture. I was raised to pretty much help anyone and everyone, to have real genuine concerns for my personal friends whenever they're in trouble, and to help to the best of my abilities, even when it's to my own personal loss, my friends in any way shape or form.

As a medical student, I've been helping both my male and female friends in any health issues they have and even went to great lengths to get one of my friends into a private hospital I had connections with. Another time, I spent one hour walking around time looking for a walk in clinic, one you don't need an appointment for, because another friend, a male, had an infected wound in his leg and he couldn't walk. These are just two short examples, of many I could give, I don't want to give too much information.

You might think these are ok but it's not like I'm losing out on helping friends, but I did lose out.

Because that friend, when he spends time with me, is clearly straining to leave. To try and find any excuse to go out with his other friends.

Oh and that woman I got into a hospital? Let's call her girl 1. We'll see more of her later.

The group of people I hang out with, they have in-jokes that I don't understand, they go on holidays together where they openly planned it in my presence and didn't even look at me.

When they are together, they laugh harder, they smile bigger, they hug each other and it's very frustrating. Especially the last one, we'll see more when we talk about girl 2.

And all this time I think " is my upbringing right here? Am I treating them exactly how they'd treat or they are treating me? Do they even look at me in the same light? "

For myself, I'm not exactly looking for an instagram model, sure it would be nice if she were pretty, but that's not 100% the concern.

And when I say that I mean that wholeheartedly. I don't look for attractive girls. Sure I fantasize, what man doesn't? But when it comes to wife material, I look for the soul. I want someone who cries for me when I am hurt, who relies on me when they are scared or when they are hurt, someone who loves me for me. Someone I can raise a family with.

There have only ever been two girls in my life that I had even remotely considered could be someone I was willing to settle down with.

There was one girl I really loved, let's call her girls 1. I spent ages getting to know her, to me she was perfect in every way shape or form. But she soon found another man, and even though I had developed mental health issues, she didn't show the slightest concern for me. When I was crying from the pain in my head that I had developed as a complication, she simply huffed that I was being a nuisance. She went from someone I got along with extremely well to someone who had major arguments with me in the space of a week. Thankfully, we've settled down a bit, but there was a period of about a month where I refused to see her and we didn't even make eye contact.

But it's the second girl that's hurt me more than even I could describe.

The situation with girl 2 is ongoing.

Girl 2 is very nice and quiet and that was how we got talking. She asked me to show her some places and I did. I took time out of my busy schedule to go, as friends at this point, to various places around the country.

But then we started hanging out a lot. Like a lot. I think we hang out almost every day at this point.

And after a long time, I developed strong feelings for her. I still have these and I'm battling to get rid of them because they are of no use to me. But she doesn't feel the same. Now that's not a problem for me at all. don't feel the same way? Tell me and we'll stay friends and put it behind us.

BUT she doesn't do that. She instead drops very obvious hints and very obvious connotations to me every so often that it's hard to say what is or what isn't going on.

We have fought maybe three times, but each time I've been the one to quickly apologise and we always leave it behind with a smile towards the next day. We eagerly discuss our future trips and we very happily talk about going to eat or doing this and that fun activity together.

Then she told me she was going to another country to see the same man who broke her heart a few times. From what she told me, they still have feelings for each other although his are far stronger from what I've seen. He didn't break her heart by cheating on her, he did it by telling his friends about their sexual exploits, when she had made him promise not to do so. Which is another thing that annoys me. Even though it's obvious that it at least erks me to hear about it, she consistently to my face and very knowingly discusses their shared past.

Whenever she gets a text from him, even if I'm addressing her to her face, she'll stop and pick up her phone and tap away.

It's fucking boiling me inside with pain.

Even her interactions with our co-workers (we work in same place, that's how we met) are vastly different to the ones she has with me. She clearly is more open with them, and she clearly

The issue of hugs is one i mentioned specifically and i will talk about it here a small bit. The people who work in our store hug each other a lot. At least everyone does except me. I pretty much only shake hands with the guy I talked about earlier, whom i spent an hour walking around trying to find a doctor for, I used to hug girl 1 until we had a falling out, but now we are much closer. Girl 2 refrains from hugging me as much as she can, but she'll be the one initiating it when it's literally anyone fucking else. One time she even jumped on one of our co-workers.

Today, I find out that she told him (the boy from earlier) that even when we are hanging out together, that she will be talking to him and that he is her priority.

I feel crushed. I don't want to even type any more than that. I think she knows how I feel and she is treating me like I'm not even comparable to this person who isn't even in the same country as her.

Look I'm not saying she HAS to be in a relationship with me. That's not what I'm saying. All I want is for someone to explain why?

You might call me pathetic, beta, loser or whatever. I've heard it all before.

But my issues have broken me inside.

I don't have many friends, and even the ones I do have don't seem to enjoy my company much.

What did I do? Was it something I said? Is it the way I speak? Is it my nose? Is it my skin colour? Why am I worth so very little to people.

Some thoughts I have when I teeter towards not going MGTOW are: Am I not fit to be with someone? What is it that I have, someone please tell me so that I can fix myself?

What the fuck did I do? Why can't I just live a normal life? Why was I cursed to be essentially forever alone not just in terms of being in a relationship, but even just having male friends? Often times I stumble between going full mgtow, and then thinking maybe I'll meet someone tomorrow.

I'm still young (21) so I have lots of time hopefully. And even if I never end up even dating someone, I would be fine if I had close male friends, even just one, just one person. someone I could rely on. But not even that's true for me.

I feel like although I contribute much, I get nothing in return. There is no real point for me.

My brethren, which I refer to you all as, even though I highly disagree with some posts here, I urge you, if you feel down, don't let it keep you down. Please get help from professionals.

Please stay on this sub and help each other.

Please tell me, how can I stop thinking about this stuff? How can I just go full monk-mode, as long as I am happy, I don't care anymore. I just want to smile on the inside as well as the outside.