Cucked

A little background and context. Fairly standard relationship, with things turning a bit adventurous half way in. We explored the swinging scene and had some fun with others. We also let each other meet others solo, but it was on a permission basis - She took a friends-with-benefits relationship, with very strict rules - permission and absolute transparency required, and turned it into a full blown affair. I caught her texting him VERY strong love messages, wanting to be together swooning over each other.

I caught her 3 times with him. After the 3rd time I was done! Especially when she spent an hour telling me how she never really loved me, never had a connection, didn't try in bed with me intentionally, how this guy showed her what true love is. She blamed me for EVERYTHING sex related, saying I forced it all on her.

For the past year we've been working towards the divorce. She is still seeing him and thinks she is being super sneaky. It’s now 3-4 nights a week and lying to us about it. I have been documenting all of it, and she has NO idea. She took off this past new-years eve without telling anyone her plans and spent the night at his house. When we texted her, she said she was at a girlfriends house. She spent half of Easter with him, and didn’t see 2 of her kids.

We talked about the divorce at one point. She thinks she gets EVERYTHING – the contents of the house, more from the house sale, and I get all the debt. She will NOT reason with me at all.

Remember I forced her into swinging? I got a text from a friend saying wife and BF were at a sex party! Through a website, my friend chatted with them - the BF is sharing EVERYTHING. Screenshots of the conversation were made and there is enough evidence to prove what she’s doing.

My wife also believes that I absolutely should NOT tell the kids about the affair, which I would have agreed with if it was something that ended. Now I’m not sure. My original intent was to just have this information to protect myself. She may make me to the be the cheater and the cause of all this.

Now, I'm really considering either going scorched earth and telling my ADULT daughters EVERYTHING (Not my minor son) or threatening my wife that I will if she doesn't knock her shit off and start acting fairly. A lawyer I met with believes that I absolutely should NOT lie to my adult daughters, they have a right to know, especially if they ask. I'm not sure I agree, under normal circumstances. I don't look at the idea of destroying the relationship between my wife and her kids gleefully. That really hurts to think about. But at the same time, I am so FED UP with her behavior, it's disrespectful to EVERYONE around her.

WIBTA by first threatening her with this information, and then possibly going through with telling my kids? I think as long as I play nice and go along with all of her demands for settling the divorce, she will not do anything. If I fight her, I'm afraid she will do whatever she can to destroy me.

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Edit: Wow, thank you all for your insight on both sides. I posted this in anger and am not as irrational as I sound :P For now, I am saying NOTHING. I will never tell the kids about the swinging. I'll let her screw that up herself. I'm also not going to initiate conversation about the affair and will let them ask questions. I will NOT lie to them though. I need to be careful to not become the AH by lashing out, which would backfire on me in a BIG way in court. I will go out of my way to NEVER use my kids as pawns and just let the extra time I spend with them and love do all the talking. I just got off the phone with a great lawyer - he confirmed that her demands are absolutely ridiculous and if she were to bring these demands to court, it would NOT go well for her. I'll probably be on the hook for permanent maint, but it's likely not as bad as I imagine.