Long Post alert forgive me I just need to get this off my chest. I truly wish I had found this subreddit years ago. I believe that it would have drastically changed my life in such a way that I would not be in my current position. I have long been looking for an outlet to discuss my inner conflict and sort through exactly what is going on with me and I hope that I have come to the right place.

First, a little background for context. I married super young, I was barely 21. She was beautiful and she loved me for some reason, and I thought I knew exactly where I was going in life. So I rushed both of us into a marriage that neither of us were prepared for. I ignored every red flag in our relationship leading up to us tying the knot. Her mother and sisters were all crazy and manipulative, but somehow I thought she would be different. Turns out I was just blinded by what was in front of me. We agreed on almost nothing, we fought horribly and the only good thing we had was sex. Turns out she had good sex with someone else too while I was in Basic training for the military. it wasn't until almost a year after she cheated and she was 3 months pregnant with our daughter that she confessed. I was shocked, angry, sad, confused and hurt. I had no idea what to do. I couldn't leave her right? She was pregnant with my child. So I stayed and tried to work through it. Then the military moved us to an island paradise 6000 miles away from family and friends. Now this is somewhere I had always dreamed of living and I was ecstatic, however she was not. military obligations mounted, deployments began and as sure as death and taxes I spent more time committed to the military than my home. The fights never stopped, instead they intensified and I had never been more miserable in my life. Then one day my buddy's wife(a purported friend of my wife)calls me. She proceeds to tell me that my wife had been cheating on me again with another one of my "friends". I guess I shouldn't have been surprised it's not like we were rock solid and she had already shown a propensity for cheating. I confronted them both and they denied it of course but the damage was done. I had no clue what to do or how to get a divorce or anything so I just stewed in this horrible relationship for a few more months. Finally we divorced, agreed on custody and child support (which is exorbitant) and she left taking my daughter with her. Finally I was free! I could go my own way! I did just that and it was amazing. I did everything that I felt held back from when I was married, I surfed, and fished, I bought a golf club membership and worked on my game, i went back to school, I bought a new car, I went to therapy and worked on me. I have never in my life felt better.

Still there was this nagging pull. A pull to be in a relationship. Because, after all society has done nothing but implant in us this idea that without a wife or family you are nothing. So I did what most modern men do I resorted to online dating. A horrible idea. You sacrifice everything and basically lay down and lie and beg to meet someone and hope they pick you. All in all though I did meet someone. She was wonderful too, we had an amazing relationship and dated for almost 8 months. In the end I had no desire to be married or in a long term relationship. I wanted to go my own way and not be subject to another person save for my daughter so I ended it. She cried I felt guilty but I still ended it.

A couple months later I would meet my now wife. Funny how things like that work. I fell fast and hard for her and as much as I didn't want to be married she changed my mind. I had learned from my past relationships and saw in her that we could and would have a great relationship and marriage. Fast forward 7 years we have 3 beautiful children and I am now due to get out of the military and move back to the continental US.
I have a great job lined up and by all accounts a great life. Yet somehow I feel trapped. like I caged myself in and now I am stuck. I have an amazing wife who loves me for exactly who and what I am, encourages my dreams and supports me in everything, children who are smart, athletic, crazy creative and funny and who love me with all their heart. But......I want to go my own way.

I am so conflicted, torn, guilty, and frustrated at these feelings. How can I feel this way? How can I want to be with my family but also want to be on my own. I don't know what it is. I just crave freedom. I want to be able to do what I want, when I want, how I want. Without loading and unloading kids, without finding a sitter, without diapers, and baby food, I want to just go and not worry. I want to surf, golf, travel, cook, work out, play video games and not have to be preoccupied in thought about all my family responsibilities. I can be at one point so satisfied with my life and then in others so utterly disenchanted with everything that it drives me crazy.

I have no idea what to do or how to cope.