Beginner BDSM

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May 29, 2018

If you're here on Redpill, hopefully you realize that it is your job to lead the relationship.

This often spills over into the woman taking a submissive role. IF you can demonstrate to her you have the attributes necessary to run the show.

Which often leaks into BDSM, M/s , DD/lg relationships that encourage and celebrate your mastery.

You're not going to want to hear this, but it takes years to master becoming a competent Dom.

First, you have to cultivate the personality. Subs can smell fake Doms from a mile away. So you have to truly be an alpha, truly believe you're the prize, believe that you are the most special and unique motherfucker on the planet. Sounds douchey, but there it is.

That's where most Fake doms stop. Irrational self confidence without anything to back it up. LARPers. Fortunately easy to spot. And unfortunately the majority. Makes easy pickings for assholes like me, though. I've had subs drop their "doms" in the middle of play sessions.

You have to realize your sub is trusting you. Absolutely. That's an important intimate bond. You are now in complete charge of both the experience and her safety.

So... it's NOT ABOUT YOU. Your enjoyment comes through her. Sure, you can fuck her drained sweaty body after, or even during, but it's not about you. Focusing on yourself is a recipe for disaster because you're not focusing on the scene.

You. You have all the chips. You have all the responsibility. That's a heavy load. The reason subs are subs is they love that feeling of NOT being in control... they enter a reality known as "subspace" where altered power dynamics and altered signal processing create a "zone." Look up safewords and the stoplight system for some commonsense guidelines.

Again, it's your job to read this event, create the subspace conditions, and maintain that headspace without falling over the edge and yanking them out prematurely, all the while keeping safety as your ultimate goal.

It's mentally tough to be able to create and maintain these conditions, all the while looking toward the next step and considering aftercare. Physically tough because the technical aspects of bondage and flogging open their very own rabbit holes of technical skill - you have to be able to roll up to the edge without going over.. and where that edge is is a constantly moving target, even the same sub has different limits day to day. Also must consider the time constraints... a technically flawless shibari chest harness with an integrated two column behind the back arm tie looks and feels amazing, but it takes 1/2 hr to do right. She'll fall out of subspace unless you can distract her during.

A BIG part of it is psychological. You have to get into their head, use what you know, push buttons and drive the experience. Blindfolds and gags are particularly effective because they "take away" their illusion of control even more. I was a psyche major and have a dark triad personality so I love this aspect of fucking with their minds.

I mentioned aftercare. When a scene is done... the sub falls out of her precious subspace and needs to live in the real world again. This is an emotionally and physically draining event, shame and exhaustion and doubt and just raw emotions can come pouring out. Aftercare attempts to minimize these negative emotions by ensuring your sub is being cared for and will continue to be cared for. I don't care that I just pissed in your mouth while calling you a dirty cunt while flogging your ass, aftercare will have you take her in your arms and condition her to the fact her Dom does care for her.

I love it. It's a massive amount of work, from developing intricate collaring rituals and rules to running the entire show, but I love being in control, reading the situation, bringing someone up to that edge and being the asshole that gets to say whether she can come or not....

It makes me happy. It makes women happy. All good, but a lot of work. Like everything worthwhile, there is a cost.

Speaking of costs, I have about $2000 into toys, buttplugs, fucking machines, medical kit, whips, floggers, suction apparatus, ropes, suspension gear... the toys (tools of the trade) matter.

As far as resources, reddit has 3 BDSM subs that are useful, And there are a million blogs out there.

You do kind of have to find your own way, though... like all things.

Girls need to know that you will shield them from the monster that lurks with the monster that lurks.

Little tasks that are not directly sexual are also key. "Go close the door" - "bring my tools"

"This is your last choice for the next while"

Building and maintaining sub space takes a lot of work. And - you have to teach them that sometimes you're not up to it and that's ok- because next time it will be even better than before.

Operant conditioning. Your "bell" should have her salivating.

And being able to say,"no"... is sometimes the most dominant move of all.

One of my go-to's when I'm not feeling all Dommy and energetic is to have her kneel and blow me while I chill on the couch. Her focus is required on my dick, I get to lie back and enjoy.

Still subby, but my involvement can be minimal. During blowjobs, my rule is if she lets it come out of her mouth, she gets slapped in the face, then must continue. Again, easy for me, keeps the dynamic. is a massive site, but there are subreddits within.

'Kink University" is a very beginner focused sub that discusses a lot of newbie issues and scenes.

"Sex and submission" has a lot of great scene ideas.

Elise Graves is my favorite model. Not really a hottie, but you can actually see her transition in and out of subspace, and the difference in her pain/pleasure signal processing when she does. Watching this model will teach you a lot about the sub headspace. Study all this girl's movies.

There's a James Franco docu out there called Kink that's worth a watch.

PD, a former psych prof turned Dom for "" is a master. Huge amount of ideas and predicaments. He's a mindfuck master. My primary sub says he simultaneously fascinates and scares the shit out of her. I bought a welder because of PD.

Thankfully, there's a documentary out there about him called Graphic Sexual Horror. Fascinating. Forewarning - it's heavy.

Goes back to the old Oscar Wilde quote,"Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.”

The experience is the power dynamic. Which is fucking twisted because if you really think about it, the sub has the ultimate power by using her safeword to shut it all down. (They're women... don't think too hard about this, their world is illusion and emotion.)

All the scene setup, the toys, the psychological torture, the pain... all window dressing.

Dominance is the desire they require.

Happy spanking.

Post Information
Title Beginner BDSM
Author RogerNorvell
Upvotes 66
Comments 37
Date 29 May 2018 08:40 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit TheRedPill
Original Link
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[–]HobbitForest15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy

Cool post Mr. Grey. Sounds like an expensive and time consuming hobby aka the best kind.

[–]Senior Endorsed ContributorVasiliyZaitzev3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Guys interested in this topic will enjoy:

Of Human Bondage – Uncle Vasya’s Guide for Men Who Like To Tie Up Young Ladies.

-The Field Guide to playing knotty games with naughty girls.

[–]ObliviouslyThrowaway24 points25 points  (10 children) | Copy

Ah, yes, the ever-so-welcoming BDSM community. Your post is great example of its mentality.

Only the best of the best should dare to call themselves <labels>. For everyone else, we have shaming, belittling and humiliating language. Fake. Creep. Wannabe. There is plenty more where that came from.

Nobody gives a shit you want to learn. If you are a man, and dare to show your dominant side, you are expected to have years of BDSM experience the moment you start experimenting with BDSM. Otherwise we will call you names. If you're not perfect, don't try! Very Red Pill.

Now let me list all the things I'm good at!

And now go do your homework on these other sites!

If fully support your lifestyle, but this is a self-development subreddit. "You kinda have to find your own way" is not a good, actionable advice. "These are kinda good sites you can read" is not a review of why you consider them good, what they bring to the table and why we should prefer them. Your post sounds like thinly veiled boasting about how awesome you are.

Edit: My responses to negative replies are being hidden. Time to move on.

[–]Ferocious2454 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yeah, you said it succinctly. Still, this post has value because it sheds light on BDSM. I didnt know who "PD" is before reading this post, but now i know, and now im going to research into "PD" and his techniques. So it adds to my knowledge base of BDSM.

[–]ObliviouslyThrowaway-2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy

Definitely agree it may help people with no knowledge of BDSM, but apart from the tip to check out "PD", it not put forward any information a BDSM noob couldn't find in your average Fetlife noob guide. While at the same being wrapped in the same hubris common to most vocal members of the community.

Even some of those who frequent Fetlife munches now joke about how it became a caricature of itself. What was once a playground for openness and consensual exploration of sexuality between two or more people, has turned into dick (tit?) measuring contest between who is more "real" Dom(me), calling "fake" anyone, who fails to meet any of the arbitrary standards set for using that made up label.

And before you ask, no. Calling someone who fails rudimentary test of sane, safe, consensual a "fake" makes no fucking sense. Try "Idiot". "Incompetent". Or my favorite: "dangerous". But good Lord, stop with this "fake" shit. It makes you sound like a bad rapper from 90s.

Want to be constructive? Tell us your experience of how you grew to become what you now call a Dom. What were the pitfalls you faced? What were the mistakes you had to learn from? That is an information actually worth reading. Not how you like you dick sucked.

[–]halfback9105 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Well put. The post was pretty much all gatekeeping. Very little helpful info.

At the end of the day, it's a fetish. More to the point, it's a very broad umbrella for a lot of fetishes. If you're into it, do it. Learn it. Find other people who are into it. Do it with them. Learn it with them. If you're not, don't.

I think it's downright silly for fetishes to have to persist outside the bedroom. Sure, I'll choke and fuck you in the bedroom. That's hot. I'm not going to keep track of whether or not you're allowed to jack off, tell you what to wear, and try to control your every day life. I have a job and responsibilities, I can't indulge in a fetish 24/7.

[–]Kinbaku_enthusiast-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

There's a lot of gatekeeping in the various bdsm scenes. I think it's just new guys falling for the crap that some of the older guys tell girls.

"Oh there is this really special way to do fucking, I'm not really sure if you would understand or be able to do it."

It's just people setting themselves up as the prize and/or knowledgeable ones. And then other guys echo this because they heard someone with status say these things.

And any guy that goes around talking about who is favorite porn slut is by calling her a "model"... wow. And the advice to watching a model to get to understand her headspace? You're watching porn. She's being paid to be there. It's bad advice to watch porn and think it will help you improve your sex life. There may be marginal gains if you've never seen sex, but it's far more likely that it's a fake story that you tell yourself.

[–]2 Senior Endorsed Contributorvengefully_yours3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

So, you're one of the weak fucks who views himself as dominant, but everything about you dries cunts and makes skin crawl. It's obvious in what you wrote. No wonder nobody wants to give you a chance, the desperation is palpable.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Subs can smell fake Doms from a mile away.

Wonder why I wrote that....

"I wanna be a dom but you won't spoonfeed me and tell me how!!"

Tell us your experience

Nobody believes my Field Reports, kid. You certainly wouldn't.

You no say Daddy Snow me, I'll go blame

A licky boom-boom down

'Tective man says Daddy me Snow me stabbed someone down the lane

A licky boom-boom down

[–]modTheRedPike[M] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

"You kinda have to find your own way" is not a good, actionable advice.

I assure you, we are not here to tell you what to do.

And no slap fights, kiddies.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (11 children) | Copy

Dude, you have another post up today that kind of hacks this one. I mean, if all this stuff is in you, great.

Look, I'm on Stronglifts so I squat 75 times per week. I hip hinge, lower my ass to the grass in a controlled manner, then explode up, tightening my ass at the very top. Not a "heavy" barbell, I'm still working my way up, but it is over 2/3's my bodyweight.

I'm amazed how much harder I can fuck them these days. It was really surprising to have them start cumming through fucking alone.

I somehow stumbled across a 2X hamsters where some woman was so proud that she came from fucking alone...."because only 20% of women can cum that way." Of course I was shut down by pointing out that it's a hell of a lot easier to cum when fucking a stud over beta belly chubby hubby.

Again, if this stuff is good for you, enjoy it, have at it, and in these post 50-Shades days it is an advantage. But if you're well built and can fuck like a stud, well....let me put it this way, if I can hold a grown man down against his will (judo) holding a bitch down is no problem. The only toy I need is a condom.

[–]ComradeLeonTrotsky1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

So you have to truly be an alpha, truly believe you're the prize, believe that you are the most special and unique motherfucker on the planet. Sounds douchey, but there it is.

I havent watched much BDSM porn, but the dominant guy is almost always old and fat guy. Is he alpha in any way?

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy

"Porn" - aka she's getting paid to get fucked.

I'm saying use the ideas and the frame, you shouldn't have to pay a slut to let you lock her up in your basement.

The things you see on TV are usually fiction.

And weirdly, old and fat does not preclude dominant mindset.

[–]ComradeLeonTrotsky-3 points-2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Then why the fuck dont they choose more "alpha" guy?

[–]2 Senior Endorsed Contributorvengefully_yours2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your idea of alpha traits needs adjustment. You can be tall, handsome, have money, a deep voice, and still be a beta or weak fuck. Watched a video of exactly that a couple days ago, some twat from buzzfeed, and a cuck lawyer in a blue suit talking about the mrm and how its only weak guys who are intimidated that girls are getting anything at all. I laughed my ass off at it, including the somewhat sniveling mra they had on it. But what do you expect from great white north society and TV?

Alpha is mentality, body language. It comes out in everything you do, its not how you look, its what you are.

If people don't gravitate to you, defer to you in groups, follow your lead willingly and intentionally, and essentially submit to you, then guess what. You're not in possession of alpha traits.

[–]mazraj991 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Because they need to sell the porn to all the sad fuckers who can project themselves on that actor. It's like saying "Hey! If this fat fuck can toy around with hot chicks then so can you! Oh and please buy our monthly service for unlimited amount of content that you can watch but ironically never experience irl"

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Um....I'm pushing back a bit on the OP here, but I don't know that you're getting what he's saying.

He said:

use the ideas and the frame,

Which is a very good idea.

Then why the fuck dont they choose more "alpha" guy?

They do. I think part of my pushback on this one is that if you're jacked, you can be alpha as fuck.....if you're not, but you can do BDSM well, you'll be in good shape. If you're jacked and can do BDSM, shit're living the dream.

[–]1KyfhoMyoba0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Behavioral cues trump genetic cues six ways from Sunday.

[–]asadi13 points4 points  (8 children) | Copy

What about guys who are alpha in everyday life but sexually are submissive?

I myself am a Switch.

[–]Senior Endorsed Contributormax_peenor7 points8 points  (4 children) | Copy

You do not need our permission to do what you like too do.
Some people might have ill comments about it--not a single shit should be given.

I have bulled many times and never thought less of the husbands unless they gave me a direct reason to do so.

[–]asadi12 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah bro, most of the comments are either black or white. Oh well

Have a good one bro

[–]pl00pt 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy

Does bulled mean you fucked the husband or the wife?

[–]asadi11 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The wife lol. Sometimes both if the bull and the cuck (husband) are bisexual

[–]2 Senior Endorsed Contributorvengefully_yours2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I fuck their wives and dominate both of them. Enjoy what you like, own it. It's simple.

[–]chrisname1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Keep on trucking.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

What if you're a male sub and you like giving away control? Is the only option to pay a pro domme? Can one awaken their inner dominant side? I feel like I could be dominant but my mind is buried under a mountain of fucking femdom porn, so i'm not really sure if i'm dominant or submissive.

[–]swordshab-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I prefer being traditional

[–]1Entropy-7-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Oddly enough, dominance-and-submission have only a thin relationship with BDSM. You can have a sub who loves to get tied up, spanked, ATMed and whatever, but to carry on a day-to-day relationship is a nightmare, like herding bitchy cats (if there is such a thing). OTOH, you have have the ones who like things rather vanilla inside the "bedroom" but in quieter moments don't challenge you and are willing to follow your lead in most if not all matters.

If you are a complete schmuck then you don't get what you want in the bedroom and you don't get what you want outside of the bedroom. The other three quadrants of this equation are a bit more complicated.

There is obviously a positive correlation between their submissiveness and your dominance, but the missing part is that there there is also a positive correlation between their submissiveness and their fuct-uped-ness.

Been there and done that but I don't fish in that pond anymore, so don't you mistake one for the other.

Having said that, my strongest crtique of the OP is that this is not "beginner" BDSM but rather journeyman and that creates a lot of problems when you encourage people to toss themselves into the deep end. I am not saying OP is wrong, but just like telling a 120 pound noob to do 100kg squats.

But everyone who finds this interesting should have a DVD copy of *Secretary*. IIRC, I am 4-for-4 in having "dinner and movie" with this flick and getting laid in the process, with certain kinky trappings.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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