If you're here on Redpill, hopefully you realize that it is your job to lead the relationship.
This often spills over into the woman taking a submissive role. IF you can demonstrate to her you have the attributes necessary to run the show.
Which often leaks into BDSM, M/s , DD/lg relationships that encourage and celebrate your mastery.
You're not going to want to hear this, but it takes years to master becoming a competent Dom.
First, you have to cultivate the personality. Subs can smell fake Doms from a mile away. So you have to truly be an alpha, truly believe you're the prize, believe that you are the most special and unique motherfucker on the planet. Sounds douchey, but there it is.
That's where most Fake doms stop. Irrational self confidence without anything to back it up. LARPers. Fortunately easy to spot. And unfortunately the majority. Makes easy pickings for assholes like me, though. I've had subs drop their "doms" in the middle of play sessions.
You have to realize your sub is trusting you. Absolutely. That's an important intimate bond. You are now in complete charge of both the experience and her safety.
So... it's NOT ABOUT YOU. Your enjoyment comes through her. Sure, you can fuck her drained sweaty body after, or even during, but it's not about you. Focusing on yourself is a recipe for disaster because you're not focusing on the scene.
You. You have all the chips. You have all the responsibility. That's a heavy load. The reason subs are subs is they love that feeling of NOT being in control... they enter a reality known as "subspace" where altered power dynamics and altered signal processing create a "zone." Look up safewords and the stoplight system for some commonsense guidelines.
Again, it's your job to read this event, create the subspace conditions, and maintain that headspace without falling over the edge and yanking them out prematurely, all the while keeping safety as your ultimate goal.
It's mentally tough to be able to create and maintain these conditions, all the while looking toward the next step and considering aftercare. Physically tough because the technical aspects of bondage and flogging open their very own rabbit holes of technical skill - you have to be able to roll up to the edge without going over.. and where that edge is is a constantly moving target, even the same sub has different limits day to day. Also must consider the time constraints... a technically flawless shibari chest harness with an integrated two column behind the back arm tie looks and feels amazing, but it takes 1/2 hr to do right. She'll fall out of subspace unless you can distract her during.
A BIG part of it is psychological. You have to get into their head, use what you know, push buttons and drive the experience. Blindfolds and gags are particularly effective because they "take away" their illusion of control even more. I was a psyche major and have a dark triad personality so I love this aspect of fucking with their minds.
I mentioned aftercare. When a scene is done... the sub falls out of her precious subspace and needs to live in the real world again. This is an emotionally and physically draining event, shame and exhaustion and doubt and just raw emotions can come pouring out. Aftercare attempts to minimize these negative emotions by ensuring your sub is being cared for and will continue to be cared for. I don't care that I just pissed in your mouth while calling you a dirty cunt while flogging your ass, aftercare will have you take her in your arms and condition her to the fact her Dom does care for her.
I love it. It's a massive amount of work, from developing intricate collaring rituals and rules to running the entire show, but I love being in control, reading the situation, bringing someone up to that edge and being the asshole that gets to say whether she can come or not....
It makes me happy. It makes women happy. All good, but a lot of work. Like everything worthwhile, there is a cost.
Speaking of costs, I have about $2000 into toys, buttplugs, fucking machines, medical kit, whips, floggers, suction apparatus, ropes, suspension gear... the toys (tools of the trade) matter.
As far as resources, reddit has 3 BDSM subs that are useful, And there are a million blogs out there.
You do kind of have to find your own way, though... like all things.
Girls need to know that you will shield them from the monster that lurks with the monster that lurks.
Little tasks that are not directly sexual are also key. "Go close the door" - "bring my tools"
"This is your last choice for the next while"
Building and maintaining sub space takes a lot of work. And - you have to teach them that sometimes you're not up to it and that's ok- because next time it will be even better than before.
Operant conditioning. Your "bell" should have her salivating.
And being able to say,"no"... is sometimes the most dominant move of all.
One of my go-to's when I'm not feeling all Dommy and energetic is to have her kneel and blow me while I chill on the couch. Her focus is required on my dick, I get to lie back and enjoy.
Still subby, but my involvement can be minimal. During blowjobs, my rule is if she lets it come out of her mouth, she gets slapped in the face, then must continue. Again, easy for me, keeps the dynamic.
Kink.com is a massive site, but there are subreddits within.
'Kink University" is a very beginner focused sub that discusses a lot of newbie issues and scenes.
"Sex and submission" has a lot of great scene ideas.
Elise Graves is my favorite model. Not really a hottie, but you can actually see her transition in and out of subspace, and the difference in her pain/pleasure signal processing when she does. Watching this model will teach you a lot about the sub headspace. Study all this girl's movies.
There's a James Franco docu out there called Kink that's worth a watch.
PD, a former psych prof turned Dom for "insex.com" is a master. Huge amount of ideas and predicaments. He's a mindfuck master. My primary sub says he simultaneously fascinates and scares the shit out of her. I bought a welder because of PD.
Thankfully, there's a documentary out there about him called Graphic Sexual Horror. Fascinating. Forewarning - it's heavy.
Goes back to the old Oscar Wilde quote,"Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.”
The experience is the power dynamic. Which is fucking twisted because if you really think about it, the sub has the ultimate power by using her safeword to shut it all down. (They're women... don't think too hard about this, their world is illusion and emotion.)
All the scene setup, the toys, the psychological torture, the pain... all window dressing.
Dominance is the desire they require.