Damn

So we were fairly happily married for 11 years, together for 13. Now in our late 30s, early 40s with a kid in first grade...

I guess what happened was that I got restless and started wanting a more fulfilling relationship... My husband and I were never very sexually compatible, even in the beginning, there was a bit of awesome sex but it was never the highlight and very quickly we got into a pattern of neglecting that aspect, so that for most of our time together we had sex once a month or significantly less ... Not even counting the looonngg interruption that having a kid caused (which was ok with me). I was never really happy with this situation, but I suppose I coped by just letting that side of me go mostly dormant and feeling like it was a sacrifice worth making for all the good parts of our relationship.

We've always had a good friendship but also struggled with communication and intimacy - he always had a really hard time talking about anything feelings related or even listening to me when I had strong feelings about something, and he definitely had a hard time talking about anything sexual. It just made him uncomfortable. We had many conversations where I just needed him to be empathetic, and he just couldn't... And I started asking myself - if he doesn't understand me and what I need from a partner by now, even after I've explained it many times, what am I supposed to do with that?

Then I started feeling more restless and in need of more people as friends, people to talk to and be close to. So I started going out on my own, which he totally supported, being an introvert, and knowing that extrovert me needed it. And things were going ok, but I started developing crushes on other guys and having fantasies about doing things I shouldn't with them...

I did my best to channel this awakened energy back into the relationship but it just wasn't the same... I started to think about consensual nonmonogamy as a possible solution, realizing that I had cheated on previous boyfriends (but never my husband), and thinking that maybe I just wasn't wired for monogamy since I always tended to get bored and lose desire in long term relationships.

We talked about it in January and it did not go well... He was completely hurt that I even wanted to talk about it. I wasn't asking for permission or anything, just wanted to have a conversation, but that was enough to fuck things up between us. He told me he was ready to pack his bags to leave, and I panicked and backpedaled on the whole issue, and we agreed to make all efforts to make things better between us.. Except that he absolutely refused counseling, and didn't really want to talk to me about anything either. Somehow things did improve a bit over the next few months, although I was also still having a lot of fun being out on my own and getting to know more people in town.

One guy in particular I felt particularly drawn to, for reasons I didn't fully understand. I wanted to be his friend but we were both tentative about it since I was married.. I told my husband about this and he was cool with it (he knew the guy a bit), and I did spend some time with this guy one on one and no one ever made a move so I figured it was "safe" to pursue his friendship. Although I was sometimes tempted and thought about more than friendship, I always assumed it would never happen...

At a certain point I felt more tempted and restless and I initiated another conversation in early June on nonmonogamy because I was afraid I was potentially on the path to fucking up and cheating on him in the future...but I didn't want to end things like that if it didn't have to be that way. I felt like if it wasn't with my friend, it would probably be someone else in the future.

My husband listened to what I had to say and basically told me, if that's how you are (not wired for monogamy) and he was 100% monogamous, then there was no room for compromise and the only option was to break up. And though I didn't want to accept that, after considering it for a while, I came to the conclusion that he was right. Even though we were mostly happy and had a pretty great marriage and we're awesome co-parents and friends and all the other stuff we had going for us.

And that was that. We never really discussed the issues much beyond that, although I tried, he basically said, what's the point? So we moved on to the practical stuff (assets, custody, stuff) which went smoothly. He moved out around a month ago and we are sharing the kid amicably. We even hang out with our mutual friends socially once a week, and it's fine. Although I can tell he is dealing with stuff, I know it's not my place to ask him about it. Which feels weird because he was my best friend and I was pretty much the only person he would open up to about anything.

I feel sad, and I feel weird that he didn't even "fight for it", just came to a logical conclusion. But then again, what was he supposed to fight for when I was basically telling him he wasn't enough for me?

To make things even more complicated, I ended up getting involved with my friend that I was drawn to, who also had feelings for me. Nothing happened until after my husband and I split up, but still I know it looks bad from the outside and I am keeping it a secret in the meantime because I don't want to rub his face in it...We live in a small town so this is a sensitive issue.

When we decided to split, I warned my stbx that I was likely to jump into a new relationship quickly - I know myself, and this is what I always do. I didn't know it was going to be with the guy I'm with now, but I knew it would be someone! Heck, I started seeing/sleeping with my husband less than a month after my previous relationship ended all those years ago! His response when I told him that was to request that I at least wait until we were no longer living under the same roof....

So yeah, it's all happened really fast and I know I'm still processing and grieving and probably rushing into a new relationship too soon, but whatever, that's just me. I am at least trying to be more conscious and deliberate in my relationship with the new guy (who is an excellent communicator, passionate, very sexual, and in so many ways the opposite of my stbx)... But I still feel guilty sometimes. And sad that it ended...

I also feel like maybe there was no way I could have been with one person for the rest of my life, even though I did believe I could at the time I got married. No one else in my family did that, so I don't really have a model of that kind of marriage...

We haven't done anything about the legal aspect yet, but will likely start soon.. it seems pretty straightforward here in California.