I've never been a feminist but was a blue pilled simp all my life. I've had a slow journey to MGTOW but I'm finally there. But I still find myself spending most every day wishing I had a gf/thinking about what it would be like to get one or what ir would be like to have one.

My thinking pre-redpill was extremely gynocentric and still kind of is. I've recognized that I won't find a girlfriend who is what I want-someone who loves me for me genuinely, not interested in what I can provide. A non feminist. A NAWALT, basically. Whether it's because women are incapable of love (I'm pretty sure it's that) or the way they are socialized, I know it's certain I won't pair bond like I've spent my whole life wanting to.

This shouldn't bother me as much as it is if I'm going my own way. I know it's reasonable to mourn the life that "could've been", the life I was sold on as a kid. But I don't want this dominating my mind and "soul" the way it is. I'd like to be be able to move on from girls entirely and just focus on myself. In practice, this is what I've done, but in my thoughts I'm still obsessing over my fantasies of finding someone like a NAWALT and being depressed realizing I will be alone all my life.

I've been alone all my life (no friends, always bullied, tiny family of which I was the runt of the litter). As a result I am extremely self reliant mentally and don't even mind being alone really, in fact I like it in ways. I am extremely introspective and jaded so being alone itself isn't necessarily a surprise or big deal itself, it's just that I always bought the lie that someday I'd find the "one" that was ny soul mate and that'd we live happily ever after. Coming to terms with what I've known for years now, that that will never happen, is a hard pill to swallow. (Pun definitely intended)

Any advice on how to deal with this from my MGTOW brothers would be greatly appreciated. Help me eliminate gynocentrism from my life.

Some info if it helps: I'm 19 y/o, dual Canadian/German citizen living in Canada. Diagnosed with high functioning autism, not sure how accurate it is but there's definitely some merit. Completely socially awkward virgin who's never had his first kiss

P.S. to the 100+ people who replied to my other MGTOW post, thank you, I read all your replies. I couldn't respond to them all but they all meant something, thanks