Sorry in advance for the wall of text.

Since I was younger, I've also done what I was told, believing in my parents and what society at large tells me. As an Asian immigrant, I was pushed to: - Study / work hard - Do well in college - Get a good paying job - Find someone, get married - Spit out some kids

So, I did study hard in a relative "meh" high school (below a 5 out of 7 at best)... and only got into a bottom tier engineering college, albeit for free / full ride.

I did do well in college, where I: - Almost got a 4.0 GPA in an aero-mech engineering degree - gained 3+ years of actual internship experience via 35+ hours workweeks, in 2 different engineering interships before I graduated, designing products (i.e. not unrelated work) - ran an honor society & organized events (i.e. I'm not TOTALLY socially awkward) - dated 2 girls, 1 for 4-5 months in freshman year, another in senior year for about a year. (so, I'm not hideous, maybe?) - supporting my parents financially (i.e. they would have eventually been homeless if I did not contribute).

All sounds great and grand right?

So, I graduate.. and guess what? "No job for you" - since I didn't have my citizenship yet... (I have it now, but I digress)

I ended up staying at where I interned and was offered $48k... where my peers in the yesteryears earned $60-65k/yr + sign on bonuses, and they had less experience / worse grades.

Eventually, I did find another place 18 months later, offering $70+k... so I guess it just took some time, but then my boss sold his business... and long story short, I decided to start my own business over the next 12 years with a partner.

Things have been.. interesting business-wise over the past dozen years... we grew from $0 in sales to $1mm, but then saw it fall to $550-600k in the 08-09 crisis. We survived, at the cost of having no paycheck for 3-4 years to myself...

I finally got the courage to start taking risks again in '13, and bought my 1st duplex. Bought another duplex in '16 with big help from my parents and brother. The main business expanded nicely since, and we've been able to create nearly 10 jobs. I've also started investing in larger properties (I now partially own/manage 78 units), organizing meetups (i.e. doing public speaking), running a side web business with a friend of mine that I started recently, etc.

I've also been going to the gym regularly, and am in good shape (short of 6', 190#).

So, now I'm in a better spot, and finally achieved my long term goals of:

  • Financial: cleared $250k reportable income last year on my tax return. I can actually retire with the passive income streams I'm setting up in another 4-5 years, unless I decide to have kids / increase expenses.

  • Social: Can easily engage new people and handle public speaking at events once a week, every week, for 11 out of 12 months in the year

  • Health: Can finally do pullups (8+ in a row), learned how to ride a bike finally last year, and am taking better care of myself.

So, what's the problem, you ask?

The "Find someone, get married" part was eluding me. I'm certainly no chad, and in reflecting on my life in the past several days... I have to be totally honest, every interaction that I had with females - other than family members - have been absolute proof of Briffault's Law.

As full disclosure, my last/current/on-n-off-again relationship is over 10 years old... and without going into too much detail, she can't have kids (and yes, I tried.. no dice), but I'm hesitant to just give that up and leave because I do feel comfortable with her (and vice versa). She's hinted several times that she's fully expecting me to leave one day since she knows I want kids and she can't have them... but so far, I've not been inspired to go after anyone... (nor have I felt the need to venture out and find someone else, with my busy schedule).

(To be blunt, I do contribute quite a bit financially to the old gf, but it's a reasonable, non-obscene amount... So, it's a... relationship of convenience. She gets what she wants in terms of support, and I get companionship and help.)

What I find funny though is that the ONLY time someone is interested is AFTER they learn about what I do / how much I make... but I make it a point to NEVER / rarely dress up / act rich. I'm a T-shirt + jeans kind of guy. I rarely let new people know that I own my own company, etc.

On the rare chance that I do meet someone, here's how the cycle goes after meet some girl and am attracted to girl:

Scenario A: - Get to know girl.. and her baggage / problems - Attraction to girl wanes, subsequent return to old gf follows

OR

Scenario B: - Get to know girl.. and attraction grows more - Ask girl out, declines. I move on :p (I'm not some guy that will hang around and be friends, sorry... too busy to be a beta buck!)

The problem now I feel is, to be blunt, I'm getting older. I'm not sure if it's the wisest decision for me to just stay in a holding pattern, but after taking a look at:

  1. Only a HANDFUL of guy friends I know are happy with their marriage. 95%+ of everyone else is MISERABLE.

  2. Because of my position, I'm honestly afraid of false #metoo accusations. It's already happened to me twice in my 20s, done by girls "just for kicks" - I thankfully either had plenty of witnesses that contradicted the story otherwise in 1 case, and in the other case, the accuser was a known liar by tons of people (and I'm generally known as the good guy). For that reason, I'm never found at bars / single-mingles... and would only show up accompanied by others (both guys and gals).

  3. I've tried my hand at online dating, but because I have NEVER emphasized my wealth/status/position, it's an absolute crapshoot, where the odds are good, but the goods are odd. I did meet and connect with someone YEARS and YEARS ago... no one since then. Most 30s chicks are looking for a bailout, and I already have that / don't need to be an ATM again, sorry.

Even on the last couple dates / attempts (and I emphasize the attempt part):

Girl A. Went out with a model-type girl. Blonde, pretty, the stereotype. Unfortunately, she knew about my assets already, but whatever, was looking just to hang out. She invited me over to her apt, was ok with me massaging her, we held hands, went to dinner... and when I went for the kiss close, she backed off and seemed absolutely offended. Haven't seen her again. Now I realize she just wanted to get a free meal and stall for time (she owes me some money.)

Girl B. Asked out another girl that I met through a network event. Everything was going great via text, and she even invited me to go over to her apt. I was moving around the same time / away from the old gf, and she even helped me find coupons to Bed Bath Beyond to save some bucks on the move. Then, no response from her. I found out a week later that, as she puts it "she found a guy online.. not the type of guy she typically dates, since he has tattoos and all, but she wanted to try something different."

So, I started coming to the realization of the following facts:

  • A. The one commonality between all of the above scenarios involving women is... me (more particularly, my looks).

  • B. I've never had issues with talking with people (men or women), striking up a dialogue and continuing a conversation... so I don't think it's any awkwardness (I've gotten over that, I believe.)

  • C. I've been working out (I can even bounce my pecs!) so I'm in good shape / better than most guys.

  • D. However, no matter how hard I try, how much I work out, my face is simply ugly, and unattractive. :D

  • E. So, in order to find / rope someone in, I would have to "show my cards" - but then they're not liking me for me.

My dilemma now is simply living with the fact that I'm totally unattractive and undesirable in the looks department - which is an absolute pre-requisite for any relationship.

So...how do I get past my biological desire to find someone, form a family? ^ This is the part I struggle with he most ^

I've pushed myself to the limits and beyond... whether it was school, work, or health... I have more wealth and health now than I ever did before... but there's are just soooo many better looking guys, born with natural looks that go far beyond my own. No amount of physical training would ever change or close the gap there.

I realize that now... it was made painfully obvious to me by Girl B.. it simple, undeniable proof - to discover that no matter how hard I try, I would never be able to NATURALLY attract women to like ME for ME... doesn't matter if I'm a millionaire, well-dressed, or well-spoken, well-educated.

So that's when I started poking around TRP... then found Incels... and eventually.. MGTOW.

The funny thing is... I've found you guys through others commenting how they couldn't understand how men could "live alone and ignore women..." but all of you here (and I now) know, DON'T WE!

It's just pure, cold logic.

Having read through so much of the material here... it just... makes logical sense. Sure, it may not FEEL very good at first, but after seeing the stories of divorce/alimony/child-support rape first hand and through other friends... it's the logical choice.

While I admittedly am still semi-attached to someone, I'm slowly re-programming myself, and see what the logic has done for you guys can also do for me...

Now I know, if I simply let my mind be logical - as per my engineering training - I know that the differences in feeling inadequate vs. the Chads of the world and my other #firstworldissues would disappear.

I have to say... it feels pretty good. I'm quite pleased with the results. :)

I do have my down moments though, where the thirst comes back every once in a while... but how do you guys deal with it? What do you guys do to deal with these... Feelings?!

I'm open to suggestions and whatever help y'all can provide!