coming out of a 3 year toxic relationship. realized even during it, the fear of losing the relationship, through which I was then manipulated into all kinds of traumatic experiences and poor financial and life decisions. I realized how addicted I was to sex, porn, and her pussy. granted, it was the best consistent sex I've ever had, but I realized how she would manipulate me with it. I was so worn down, so weak and dangled by her manipulative strings, that I was even afraid to leave the relationship despite her endless harassments, mind games, passive aggressive manipulative behaviors to getting exactly what she wanted even if it were unfair or just outright mean.

I realized also how addicted I am to women, how weak I am, when it comes to sex, the female body and needing their approval. and realizing that porn was there every step of the way, and to learn to also be ashamed and disgusted with myself. I never learnt that I too was possibly beautiful and worthy of appreciation. instead, I would masturbate in shame and disgust to pornography. down the vicious circle I go.

so now, I've decided to leave this relationship, and relationships altogether, even dating (how much time have I wasted on stupid women, and senseless conversations that went nowhere, all just the idea or fantasy of pussy), to work on myself. however, knowing my own limitations and addictions, I'm considering prostitutes.

I had two prostitution experiences in my late teens, they left me feeling empty and disgusted. not necessarily the moral aspect, but the methodology of exchange, or the experience itself. it could just be that I went into a kind of tourist trap of sorts, where they really try to squeeze money out of you, and had a really shitty sexual experience. the sex was lousy, and she was completely disinterested.

what are your experiences like with prostitutes? anyone had positive experiences with a hooker that didn't make you feel pathetic and an abuser? i don't think at this point in my life I can perform chastity after a lifetime of sex addiction, nor do I necessarily want to, I just want to be able to compartmentalize it without being a slave to a woman/relationship/nonsense.

thoughts?