I'm comfortable enough with your guys so I want to share a story. The boring story of how I became ready to be a MGTOW when I first found out about the "movement", of why my drama with women is different from everyone's else (I guess), and why I really believe on true-pairing bonding between humans - although, I realize, that type of bonding is the recipe for disaster, and while I avoided the worst consequences of it, it left its ugly scars on me. So, sit around and enjoy the wall of text. Apologies for whatever the fuck you guys don't like about it, but damn it's making me feel like crying just for remembering this stuff, and I need to get it off my chest, somehow. Flag this into oblivion if you want, the damage is already done.

So, the year is 1998 and I was just a 14-year old teenager boy in a time with dial-up internet (so porn was very clunky to get by, one of the best sources of it was going to an IRC chat and doing P2P file transfers with other users, a very risky proposal). So, keep in mind it wasn't that easy to release sexual frustration, so it may be the explanation for what happens next, I don't know.

I desperate fell in love with a classmate of mine. It was a feeling so intense, so mind-crushing, that it was driving me mad. It wasn't like the normal attraction to a pretty girl in my classroom, because I've been noticing attractive girls since two years before - it was something that was imprinted on my very core. I would see this girl every day at school and get mad because we weren't together. I had to hide away in corners during recess so I could avoid looking at her, I got clinically depressed because there was no one I could trust talking this shit to, and while my scores didn't completely tank (because I always had an easy time with school stuff), I was considered a problematic student by almost every teacher in the school, because I wouldn't respect their authority and sometimes even pick (non-physical) fights with them. All because I couldn't cope with my desperate feelings for this girl.

Now, to be fair, looking back at the memories I have about her, she wasn't particularly pretty, nor particularly interesting - we probably didn't have anything in common, her being your typical 14-years old girl, and I'm being a problematic 14-years old boy who played too much videogames. A relationship between us wouldn't last much, I guess. Yet, I still can feel echoes of that impression she made in my very core, almost 20 years ago, without even trying to make such an impression on me. The human brain, it can unlock the secrets of the Universe, and it can at the same time be so stupid.

Of course, back then, this young Stacy had her Chad - and as cliched as the story goes, I couldn't stand the guy, even before I got hopelessly enamorated to her. The guy was playing for a junior volleyball team, he was athletic, self-asserted, used braces, his family was rich, I just couldn't stand him. Then fate made him to be the target of this Stacy's "affections" (well, that was what I thought back then). I'm not using a figure of speech when I say that I dreamed about killing this fucking guy.

Now, looking back at the situation, I can tell that I was lucky, because dear Stacy here wasn't a heartless bitch. One day, high on my desperation, I mustered all the courage I had and confessed up to her. She was very nice about it, but crushed my hopes pretty much to a dust. Ok, there was I, having to deal with this fucking imprinting of this fucking girl on my fucking soul, and she couldn't even make me hate her forever. But lucky I were, because as I see nowdays, she could have been more cunning and kept me as a beta orbiter, tried to exploit me for personal gain or emotional support, and I would have fallen for it, hook, line, and sink. Maybe if she was a modern girl, not a child of the 80s growing up in the 90s, and had social media to validate her being a fucking bitch, she would have gone for it. I don't know.

Well, things kept going miserable for me until the next year, when Stacy moved to another school and I was spared of seeing her every single day, drooling over Chad, hugging him and resting her head on his chest like I've seen many times during school. And I got my revenge, somewhat: turns out that good Chad playing volleyball wasn't a completely random thing about him. He came out as gay the next year. It was a bittersweet revenge, of course, because that means that I got "out-maled" for Stacy's affections by a gay guy. So there's that. But back then, I laughed when I found out that he came out of the closet and moved out of his comfy home to share an apartment with his boyfriend.

Fast forward to this day, and I look back and realize that I never really got over dear Stacy. I couldn't feel about any other woman the same I felt for her during that year. I tried dating a couple of girls after that when I matured out a bit (literally: when I say a couple, I mean 2 other girls on the span of 10 years), but they found me "emotionally immature". Yeah, whatever, you bitches aren't dear Stacy, so fuck off.

I guess that this powerful infatuation, imprinting, one-sided bonding - call it whatever you want - made me incapable of romantic and sexual relationships, forever. It killed that part of me - it's like Loras Tyrell, the effeminate Knight of Flowers from ASOIF says, "when the sun has set, no candle light can replace it". And that made possible for me to become a monk MGTOW, so I guess I have to thank her for making me able to avoid future problems with women.

Oh, and dear Stacy, the girl who still makes my eyes go a little moist while I type this up? Well, since Chad Thundercock was in love with cocks as well, she quickly jumped branch to another Chad. The next year, she sends an invitation for her 15-years old party to her ex-classmates (me included, and my name spelled wrong, well gee, thank you for your consideration, dear Stacy), and surely enough, her name is side by side with this punk ass blonde Chad who coincidentally had his birthday very close to hers, so they're doing their sweet 15 party together! How romantic. Kill me now (well, kill me now 20 years ago). But that didn't last much: last time I've heard anything of her, through the sister of a friend of mine, she was single and going through college, just in time for "enjoying her life". I hope she enjoyed the cock carousel as much as her first Chad.