I’ve never been the glue my family needed.

I’m the oldest in my family to a younger brother who just turned 21 (I’m 24). We both grew up without our father around. Our mother is a BA who has gone above and beyond to provide everything we needed/wanted.

Growing up I took my mother for granted. I was not a well behaved child and was definitely not a positive role model for my younger brother. However, I somehow made it to college and got my shit together. Graduated with a degree and have since landed a a job with a solid company.

Now that I’ve settled a bit it’s given me a chance to reflect my past... I was and still am a terrible person.

I was never there for my mother. She gave and I only took.

I never talked to my brother or gave him a path/code to follow. I honestly didn’t and still don’t know him very well.

Every girlfriend I’ve ever had I’ve coerced and manipulated. I’m not on good terms with any of them.

Anyway, the reason this is all coming to light is because today it all fell apart. Everything I’d been running from finally caught up to me. My brother is checking into rehab and my mom is facing back taxes. I can’t help but feel that this is my fault. Being the oldest male I was supposed to step up when my father didn’t/ couldn’t.

I want to be the man my family needs but I’ve been absent focusing on myself for too long. I have no idea where to start. I feel like such a failure as a man. I’m accomplishing my career goals but they mean nothing to me because my family is struggling to survive.

This is turning into a rant. I’ve had a few to drink. Anyway this is probably the wrong sub to post to so just direct me to somewhere else if needed.

I’m posting here because I respect this community and know there are some members here that can read between the lines and provide me with the wisdom I don’t have but really need