I am not sure, may be because I grew up christian, or the bullshit movies that programmed me, I have this fantasy of finding a "good" women who accepts me. That with this person, I will not be alone and finally have someone who cares for me unconditionally.

I am almost 23/M, "virgin", very few women experiences. Part of the reason is my choice, I spend almost 3 years of my college life, working on interesting things, things that made me extremely happy. I always wanted sex, during that time too, but there where more important things in life.

For the past ~9 months or so, I have been trying to find women, and I fail. I am not that unattractive, I catch women staring at me. I am not sure, if it is because they find me weird or not. The biggest reason I fail is that I cannot form conversations like most people can. I suspect I have some very mild form of aspergers. I am pretty certain my mother does.

I don't think I will shun women entirely. Simple because my brain is wired to need them for sex, and it is fun talking to them. Fun in the sense that talking to a random girl, who I don't know is challenging, and doing it makes me happy. Overcoming boundaries and social norms.

But I want to get rid of this fantasy in my head, that I will be able to find a special women. I want to completely, with proof believe AWALT. My experiences lead me to believe it. But a single human's experiences does not equal absolute truth.

A trick I found to overcome this emotional need for women, is to focus on things that I find interesting, plus having huge amounts of routine. My passions so as to speak. It helps, but I don't think I have get gotten over this belief / need that I will find a women with whom I can have a honest, almost "sacred" relationship with. Who will "heal" my "broken heart". Hahaha. But it is bullshit I believe.

I had a fucked up childhood. Neglect, physical abuse etc. Woe me... I know pathetic, I should not let it affect me. But it does. I have a huge emotional need, for someone to truly care for me. It is something I did not have. This feeds into my need for women. How do I convince myself, that a women will not be able to give me that. That I will be alone, and I have to learn how to deal with it ? I can, but this women fantasy prevents my beliefs from settling.

Also any tips in the PUA circles for guys with mild aspergers type deal ? I wanted to spend some time, exploring that field.

I find PUA etc, distasteful. I have this huge need for honesty in everything I do. Even things others consider harmless, I consider them to be morally wrong. How do I dabble in the PUA stuff, without loosing my morality ? Women are nice, but are they worth loosing things I respect about myself ? Any PUA techniques which are "honest" ?

Edit : I am not talking about sex fantasy. Emotional Fulfillment fantasy