To start off with, here is my background. I am 16, I’ve never been the best with women, as I’ve had a girlfriend when I was in second grade, and had a few let downs and let down a few girls in the following years. Recently there was a girl I started developing feelings for. Let’s call her Agony. I thought about her everyday, to the point of where before I met her, I had straight A’s, while dealing with her, I got two fourtys on two math tests and I couldn’t understand one thing about the new content in physics. There was also another girl I’ve been talking to since last March, let’s call her Victoria. I’ve had feeling for her before I met agony, but they seemed to get smaller and smaller, and finally die out from that meet.

So it’s obvious what the first pillar was, when I started getting feelings for Agony, she realized that she fucked up. Because what she wanted from me was my attention. Agony almost had me as if she was a seductive narcissist. She’d tell me she was lonely and bored, complain about no one wanting to hang out with her, and want to FaceTime a lot. At this point, I was overdosed on blue pills, so much as I even asked her out telling her how I felt. Of course, due to the fact that girls just can’t say,”No” because they still want that attention and they still want you to believe you have a chance (wasting your time and getting all they can from you) she said “I’m not saying no but..” so at that point, I thought we were together. I invited her to a museum, and she said she would, but her attitude was a first dent in my belief of the relationship. Over the following weeks, I realized that she didn’t want to go, in fact, she didn’t want to go anywhere. She even went to the level of putting on her story if anyone wants to hang out in a week, then I asked her, then she leaves me on received, then I confront her, then she says she didn’t see it and that she had work on that day. And on the day after, she goes with someone else. So as you can tell, I was losing my mind over this girl. The thing is, we didn’t have much in common. She was just beautiful. I thought I was in love. But I finally realized I had to do something. So after time as we stopped talking, (still very blue pill but getting there), I began talking to Victoria that had similar interests, but feeling as if Victoria can pull me out, and that we can be together, to sort of fight fire with Fire (Agony’s feelings vs Victoria’s). I couldn’t resist talking to the Agony, but pushing and forcing my feelings with Victoria, it was better than doing nothing. And it worked. And so after a month, Agony and I completely ended all communication. And to this day (these events took place from December to the beggining of this month) I’ve completely ignored her since(basically all February)(like a passing tornado). And there goes the first pillar.

And so this moves me on to the Victoria. She was my obvious target. We’ve talked almost everyday(even when I liked first Agony we still talked), had similar qualities, etc. But in this, something was different. It seems as if something faded-as if after a battle so big, that the soldiers were too tired to fight as hard. I was basically burnt out with trying to have feeings for any girl. But Victoria was my best friend. And after I officially lost all feelings for Agony, I realized I didn’t want feeling for this Victoria too, I just wanted to stop feeling like a slave for girls. Victoria could lead the same events. And so there went the next pillar fell as I began transitioning. I still talk to Victoria, but nothing more. Something else that helped me realize this is that Victoria was getting feelings for another guy, I realized I could care less, as compared to when thinking of agony with another guy, I went ape mode. So I obviously didn’t like Victoria. I just wanted to be friends, as we always were.

Seeing as so much of something can lead to the feeling of being burnt out, and almost being “enlightened” and “independent” when it comes to things that can almost hurt you(Love). I began masturbating as much as possible. And doing that, I see nothing in sex anymore. I could care less about sex, as I got sick of it, like I wanted to. Another pillar falls.

Leading on, I was already an active reader on this subreddit right before the sex thing happened. And I started reading the Rational Male. In this, seeing the idea of the “soulmate myth” I believe that’s the biggest push I had. It wasn’t the love I thought it was. As when they say “taking the risk of love, is it worth it” debunking love, and looking at it unpersonally; seeing how it took my grades down, made me a slave of both agony and myself, I realized the only way to be happy is to accept myself, not change myself for others, and there is nothing else needed to be happy. Also as Buddhists say, “Don’t let people drag you into their own storm”. And so that book led to the collapsing of my blue pill, I no longer take them at 12, I threw them down the toilet. And I feel at peace with myself. Not living in December wanting Agony to FaceTime me, but living in February and wanting to be what I am.

And so in conclusion, I feel like I don’t need anyone to be happy anymore. I’m pushing myself to live to my fullest potential and I don’t mind doing it alone, in fact, that’s what I prefer. Seeing nothing in sex, seeing nothing in Love, seeing nothing in living with someone for half of my life given the risk of not trusting her or her using me, I’d prefer to be alone. In fact, yesterday I heard that my friend that was in his twenties, recently found out his wife cheated on him with 5 other men. I felt sympathy for him. But I know he CAN be happy without her. And this also acted as approval, if anyone asks me if I’m looking for a woman, that I’m not, and I’m not disappointed that I’m not. So don’t look for your soulmate. Look for your soul, mate.

Thanks for your time.