(slightly NSFW, but fairly mild)

Amazing...

Women and sex have become inconsequential to me. I've become unknown to myself in this regard, and nearly asexual. My balls are still big and hairy, and I don't seem to be losing muscle mass; testosterone levels seem good, and the dick still functions.

I've become uncharacteristically detached from most people's concerns. I feel a little like Dr. Manhattan from The Watchmen comics, except it's more of a "disregard bitches, acquire resources" mindset.

The bump in market volatility was my wake-up call and (while I've gotten and had good positions), I really do need to position myself further to capitalize on the macroeconomic forces at play (within my risk tolerances).

So, while I was adding some put options to my portfolio, I looked at this fetlife profile I've had for almost a decade (in various forms). I had a 22 year old submissive woman message me in response to an off-handed remark about tossing her around (admittedly a lapse, but due to not masturbating for over a week). She's attractive (so long as you don't mind reddish-purple haired Asians), but I felt nothing beyond "this is more trouble than it's worth, and a poor risk/reward ratio."

She has a really nice butt, but that's not worth the shit that comes out of it. I know I'm being sensational but how else do you write about something which is mundane without alienating your audience?

I really just wanted to trade stocks/bonds/futures/misc.derivatives instead of fuck and pursue women. I'd rather read a prospectus than a dating or fetish profile.

My dreams... the things I wanted since before I wanted women (and after wanting women) are so much more compelling.

I'm shocked that I would "climb the highest mountain, and swim the deepest sea" for my dreams now, instead of a romantic ideal of an other-worldly woman figure.

What scares me the most is how much a person can change; I was a boy with dreams, then I became a horny idiot, and now I'm settling into my early thirties with all of these facts swirling around in my head... and somehow I'd like to turn those facts and life experience into practical wisdom. Regardless, I'm amazed at how much I've changed (and yet how many/which core values remain).

On an aside, I think it's weird how video/computer games have trained finesses within me for researching stocks... instead of calculating damage per second I'm back calculating shares outstanding from price and market cap, or whatever the case may be.

There is a vast female void that opens up whenever I try to converse with them. I would rather watch Isaac Arthur videos on Dyson Swarms and colonization of Jupiter than talk to women. My god, I appreciate the big hairy testicles that a man has to have in order to propose colonizing Jupiter... or the sun. I mean, you've gotta have some big balls to say, "yeah, we could make the sun our bitch, and we don't even need future-tech. We can do this now. And if we did, then we could make a Kugelblitz with some iron plates and mirrors." Women just don't have the level of passion for engineering that men seem to have.

Anyways, I need to watch some videos, take a quick nap, then work out, then go to work.